I found advice from a former LBH that seems very sound. I hope it will answer your question as to What to do next". This is a close as it gets to numbering the steps.
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DISCLAIMER. These opinions in NO way represent Michele, the moderators, other posters, the bb, and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.
1. There are NO magic answers. Sorry, all you newcomers who arrive seeking the magic potion to revive the spouse and marriage; there is NONE.
2. I will not repeat the standard DB methodology here. The odds are you have had it drilled into your head ad naseum. FOLLOW IT. If only for you own sanity.
3. The WAS does NOT give a darn about what you are doing, so quit worrying over what they are doing. You CANNOT control their actions, beliefs, thoughts, etc.
4. Quit pushing. Quit hoping something will happen NOW, TODAY. It will not, unless you keep pursuing, then you can almost guarantee the outcome and it will not be the one you seek.
5. Relax. Exercise. Walk. Run. Play a sport. Ride your bike. Chase your kids. Take ALL the energy you are wasting WORRYING over your spouses actions and how your actions affect the spouse and put it into something you control.
6. Find a new balance. When the spouse quit on the family and the relationship, the dynamic swung violently out of balance. Find a new center. Focus on you, the children, the dog, something besides the old dynamic.
7. The previous M or R is deceased. Quit digging it up and examining it and trying to breath life into the lifeless form. Start a new R, hopefully with your spouse. But the old R has to die or you will be right back where you are now.
8. Quit taking blame. You are 100% responsible for your 50% ONLY. You contributed to this, but you did not do this. The spouse is being selfish and cares ONLY about themselves. Remember that.
9. It is ok to be sad, angry, frustrated, bitter, confused, and all the other emotions churning around. Find a time or place and experience the emotion. Do not deny it, but do not let it control you. And do not let the spouse see it.
10. Be positive. Be upbeat. Again, if only for your own sanity. Fake yourself out. Self-fulfilling prophecy. This goes right to "act as if." You will feel better and it will become second nature.
11. You may not get your spouse back and guess what, you may reach a point where you may not want them back. You are in control of your R and your life now. ENJOY.
If that helps and you like "lists", then you might want another one to help with 18o's.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
