The replies you get from the DB Board is given with good intentions of trying to help. If anyone can understand the pain you are experiencing, it's another LBH. If anyone can help you avoid some mistakes, it's one who has been been there.
You've just lost one of the very best on the DB Board, b/c of your own anger. You have to be strong enough to take the advise given, and we all have different personalities and different ways of expressing. What Bill said to you has been said to hundreds of other newcomers. I've read enough of his posts to know that no personal insult toward you or your wife was intended.
What type of advice are you seeking?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If through all of this I can become a better person and father then so be it.
It might sound counter-intuitive, but this ^^^ should be your goal, not saving the M. By making this your goal, you might save the M, but if you concentrate on the M first/better person second you have a much higher chance of missing both of your goals.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
If through all of this I can become a better person and father then so be it.
It might sound counter-intuitive, but this ^^^ should be your goal, not saving the M. By making this your goal, you might save the M, but if you concentrate on the M first/better person second you have a much higher chance of missing both of your goals.
I found advice from a former LBH that seems very sound. I hope it will answer your question as to What to do next". This is a close as it gets to numbering the steps.
Quote:
DISCLAIMER. These opinions in NO way represent Michele, the moderators, other posters, the bb, and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.
1. There are NO magic answers. Sorry, all you newcomers who arrive seeking the magic potion to revive the spouse and marriage; there is NONE.
2. I will not repeat the standard DB methodology here. The odds are you have had it drilled into your head ad naseum. FOLLOW IT. If only for you own sanity.
3. The WAS does NOT give a darn about what you are doing, so quit worrying over what they are doing. You CANNOT control their actions, beliefs, thoughts, etc.
4. Quit pushing. Quit hoping something will happen NOW, TODAY. It will not, unless you keep pursuing, then you can almost guarantee the outcome and it will not be the one you seek.
5. Relax. Exercise. Walk. Run. Play a sport. Ride your bike. Chase your kids. Take ALL the energy you are wasting WORRYING over your spouses actions and how your actions affect the spouse and put it into something you control.
6. Find a new balance. When the spouse quit on the family and the relationship, the dynamic swung violently out of balance. Find a new center. Focus on you, the children, the dog, something besides the old dynamic.
7. The previous M or R is deceased. Quit digging it up and examining it and trying to breath life into the lifeless form. Start a new R, hopefully with your spouse. But the old R has to die or you will be right back where you are now.
8. Quit taking blame. You are 100% responsible for your 50% ONLY. You contributed to this, but you did not do this. The spouse is being selfish and cares ONLY about themselves. Remember that.
9. It is ok to be sad, angry, frustrated, bitter, confused, and all the other emotions churning around. Find a time or place and experience the emotion. Do not deny it, but do not let it control you. And do not let the spouse see it.
10. Be positive. Be upbeat. Again, if only for your own sanity. Fake yourself out. Self-fulfilling prophecy. This goes right to "act as if." You will feel better and it will become second nature.
11. You may not get your spouse back and guess what, you may reach a point where you may not want them back. You are in control of your R and your life now. ENJOY.
If that helps and you like "lists", then you might want another one to help with 18o's.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes this helped big time. Thank you. This is what I needed to see. I am sorry if I offended Bill but I felt that he came across a little preumptive. Maybe my emotions are raw right now and I am being overly defensive. Either way yes this does help and I feel a little better now.
I went to Church this morning for the first time in awhile and then I went to confession. The priest told me to be amicable, take care of the child and try and he supportive in helping with my son. I do feel better other than the fact that I have to work today. Thank you again.
Doggy
"Someday we may look back on this and decide that Saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole godawful mess."
I re-read your post and there is actually good information in it.
My wife has called me today four times. I have not called her back though. She called to tell me about a new church she attended with our son and she sounded very upbeat and happy. I didn't know how to handled it so I decided not to call her back. She then called again this evening and didn't leave a message and then called one more time and again didn't leave a message. This is very uncharacteristic of her since our seperation. I don't know what to make of it other that she is probably having a good day.
Number one reason that I don't want to call her is because I don't want to hear anything that is going to cause me to feel pain right now. I need a break from the pain of seperation and divorce. I am not, not calling her because I am so strong or practicing these prinicples it is more because I am afraid to call, unless it has to do with our child.
The last time that I spoke to her about our marriage she gave me the "I really want to be friends" stuff and I told her at this time that I cannot turn my emotions off like that and being friends was not possible right now, but I was willing to be amicable regarding the divorce and regarding dealing with our child. She gott really angry when I said that and began crying, telling me that I didn't "give a damn about anyone but myself and this is exactly why we are getting a divorce, because you insist on your way and act like an ass." I responded by saying, "I am sorry that you feel that way." Which just made her even more angry."
I am only repeating this is because to illustrate that is why I don't want to call her. I don't want to argue anymore nor get yelled at.
"Someday we may look back on this and decide that Saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole godawful mess."
Doggy, you're going to get conflicting messages from your W. one bad day, one good day, one day she calls, one day she doesn't, etc etc. this is the way it works.
there will be times when regardless of your words or actions, they will be wrong. if you went back 20 times, and tried it differently, they would still be wrong.
one rule of thumb is always call back when it comes to your children, and play the rest by ear. you dont have to call back if you dont feel up to it.
its my own opinion that the WAS will try to be friendly to alleviate their guilt over what is happening, as if we respond friendly in return, then it isn't so bad. there are those here who would disagree with that.
at this point, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and fix yourself, take care of your children.
people here have been through much, and each has their own perspective and ways of thinking and responding. feel free to ask someone to step away, i dont think anyone would be insulted.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
