Grr, sweetie, this is tough stuff. It is normal to feel the way you do from time to time. You love him.
I know we want signs sometimes on this journey.
I want to tell you a couple of things. I know everyone on here knows about me and my son. It has been the two of us for quite some time. I am blessed that we are close.
He hopes to get well enough to move to California in 5 months. Of course, my initial reaction was to freak out. LOL! It is clear across the country. What if he loves it and stays there for a long time? How will I stand not being able to see that face each day?
But, of course, I realized that I love him enough to let him go.
He wrote me a letter. Left it under my bedroom door. The gist of it was this. Little mom, he wrote, I know that you are sad I may be leaving. I also know without a doubt that you will do whatever you can to help me. I know that you support me no matter what I choose. That you are my biggest fan. I know that while you will be sad, you will be happy that I am walking my journey of self discovery. I have never had a doubt in my mind that you are there for me no matter what.
And he is right. There is nothing I wouldnt do for him. Including letting him go with all my heart to discover himself.
My point being this. While it is different circumstances regarding my xh, the feeling is the same. I love him enough to let him go. I love him enough to want him to be happy and to find his way.
While it is so very difficult, these wishes for those we love, it is truly the very greatest gift we can give them.
I will also tell you this. My xh said all the words yours and many others have said to you.
While I respect his right to say them, to maybe even feel them at times, I also know that he loves me.
Real love doesnt die. It changes. It ebbs and flows. It is surpressed and denied. But it doesnt ever really die.
My xh recently wrote me that he loved me then, he loves me now.
While we will most likely never reconcile, I know that what he wrote was true.
And I cannot know that will happen in your marriage, I believe that once you really and truly love someone, you love them always.
So, my friend, while I know it is difficult to try to follow what most of us know is the path one must take, it really is the way to peace.
Live your life, Grr. Find your way, walk your path, and even take time once in awhile to think about your h.
But continue to believe that all things are possible. Continue to focus on you and your son and your life. And leave it all in His capable hands.
