4evah'n'evah... awww maaan...

[aeolianchaos]

The CONSCIOUS thought was... who am I to judge my W for having "friends" who are much younger than her? Finding new people to "hang" with and party with, occasionally?

I hear this. Most of my W's new friends are much younger.. relatively speaking. But I think you are demonstrating some insight - why would you judge her for that? What does it do for you? Is there something about it that makes you feel differently about yourself?

If you or I do it, wouldn't it be called GAL?

just wish she would seek knowledge and growth and enlightenment through means OTHER THAN going out drinking with the buds...

And I think this speaks to the matter a little more clearly - it is frustrating because its GAL but not towards the ends that we might hope for. But we have to accept that they are entitled to do that if they choose.

As the LBS, we are kind of confronted with the fact that we need to take care of ourselves and soothe ourselves w/o our WAW's validation. We are often confronted with the loss of it in a very real way, and forced to pick ourselves up and know ourselves better. In a way, we have a real opportunity to grow and much of the DB stuff promotes exactly that.

Would it be better if we reacted 'right' from the get go? Of course, but either way, we are confronted with the situation and choose to find a way to grow and take care of ourselves in a way that we didn't choose to within the M. I would posit that those who see DB as a set of tactics to 'win back' miss the bigger picture and will probably find themselves in a kind of relationship samsara until they can move beyond the 'tactical' approach to relating to other human beings.

We then are in a far better position to choose or want our W rather than need them. We are also better equipped to experience the possibility of rejection w/o going to pieces or having a crisis of self.

Sometimes it can be an important step in facilitating a better R w/ the WAS... but it is always about a healthier R with ourself.

The WAS is confronted w/ a similar set of choices, but since they are also often avoiding a certain amount of self-confrontation (thus the fluidity of their reason for walking), they may continue along in their own patterns because they also have to justify the decision they just made. They have to "make it work." This is frustrating for the LBS, I think, because it often seems like rather than evolving their thoughts, they are going to just entrench.

Also - these friends - do they symbolize an enabling force for you? People that would be more likely to tell W what they think she wants to hear, than what she probably needs to hear?