I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself... Also I think we just assume sometimes that our H's are heartless, but more and more I am seeing (both with my H, and spouses on this board) that when they are hit with a bit of reality, they do start to feel emotion (pain, guilt even love). I don't think the majority of us purposely try to make our spouse feel bad, but if reality makes them feel bad, then so be it. They made their beds.. and sometimes a good dose of reality goes a long way... hugs.
AG, this is a tough one. I sooo know the desire to point out “these consequences are the result of your choices”.
I have never figured out a way to say this without it sounding snarky.
When I spoke about this to a coach she pointed out stating it, would in my case likely cause the negative aspects of my sitch to escalate. She said it differently this is how I processed what she said.
Another reason this is tough is much of it is focused around your son. While I believe we can’t and shouldn’t round every sharp corner as a child grows we should shield them from the pain this disagreement between the adults they rely upon will cause. At least comfort and reassure them they are not abandoned or the cause as much as possible.
Your S watching you be there for your son comforting him reassuring him. Your S seeing you are not hurting in the same way or as hard as he is, that regardless of his choice you are resolute and will not crumble may be all it takes. Gloria Gaynor “I will survive” come to mind.
Of course I have been tempted to pick up a 2X4 and use it to drive home the point. If you find a constructive way to do so please share it.
It took me awhile to stop accepting the venom spewed in my direction. Doing so caused us to cycle away from the anger for a time. You do not have to accept abuse or snarky behavior. If you caused hurt, validate, and apologize, (own your part), but don’t accept what isn’t yours. Whole people stand up for themselves and what they believe in.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
girl, I understand that being "honest" with your H is what you want. Unfortunately, if you said to him what you posted above is pretty much accurate...
it was pushy... it was intended to "teach him a lesson"... it was meant to guilt him...
Once... that's good. Let him know how you feel about his comment...
Ok, that's good input. So he knows it's his choice, I don't need to mention it again.
Next time he mentions that he's not going to see S7 as much as he wants, I'll just say, "I understand that will be hard for you" and move on in the conversation. I'm validating, but I'm not offering sympathy or guilt.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
Well, I can't go too dark until he's out at the first of the month. But he's not sleeping here, and hopefully I won't see him next Tues-Fri while S7 is at camp.
And with the visitation schedule we're looking at, I will have to see him every day - but ideally only for a minute.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
