Actually I have been watering the grass since he asked, and in fact I was actually glad that he asked, b/c he has been so out of it lately - he hasn't cared about anything. I just meant that watering the grass wasn't my priority and it probably never will be. My older son is a great help, the little one, not so much lol but they keep me on my toes. Honestly working full time, being 99% responsible for my kids the rest of the time, and taking care of the house all on my own, well I'm only just getting the hang of it. Its a big adjustment, and I'm struggling. Big time. So no the water isn't my priority right now - but I'm still doing it. That's all I meant.
Anyways, I appreciate the feedback. Would love to kiss him back on the forehead. I always kissed him goodbye when I left or he left through out all of this, but when he stopped doing it to me, I thought I better lay low, so I stopped, thinking he doesn't want it. So maybe I'll start again. Who knows.
At the end of the day though, you're right. He's been gone a long time. Still struggling with the hope thing though. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am very close to just giving up.
Did you go to marriage counseling? If he's up to it, my STBXW and I tried retroivaille and it was helpful for me.
BTW, one issue I had was with sex, so I thought and acted sexier and it turned her on enough to have some good times in the process of ending...if you dress like all that, he might notice more 180s you've done.
Haven't posted in a while.. things have been getting more back to normal around here which confuses me even more. H has been sticking around after the kids go to bed to watch tv with me for a while and chit chat.. He hasn't stayed super late like he used to but its just so weird that he's okay with hanging out again. He's also been pretty obvious about his attraction to me - joking around that he wants to wait until I get changed for bed before he leaves etc. He's also been sick as a dog and I offered to give him a massage a couple of times - fully expecting him to turn me down, but he accepted immediately. Now me offering to give him a massage is a total 180 for me, b/c I was the selfish one who was always bribing him to massage me Anyways, the massages were nice - very intimate without actually being intimate, and I stopped them from going any further. At this point, I'm sure he's just horny - especially if what he says is true about there not being any other women in his life. He's been around to see the little ones quite a bit lately.. helped out at my littlest one's bday over the weekend. Went out of his way to thank me for all the hard work I did for his party etc. He does genuinely seem happier now that he's out of his mothers house and into his own house. I HATE hearing about his new place - like it makes me want to throw up. I think he knows that - and now I'm noticing he's been making little comments to almost show me that its no so great there. Like he commented on how much it [censored] that he doesn't have a tv in his bedroom. Or tonight he was taking out the garbage and recycling for me before he left, and he joked that his recycling bin only had two empty cans in it (not that that comment was either good or bad, just interesting). I think he's just being nice, and trying to make this all a little easier on me. I appreciate that very much, I honestly do, but it definitely doesn't make things easier (but I would never say that to him!). He is such a nice guy, sometimes I wish he was a big jerk - at least I could be angry. I still haven't really gotten angry at this whole thing. I've given up hope, but its hard to hate someone who just wants to find happiness - even if that happiness isn't with me.
ps. Onthemountaintop - no we haven't been to MC since we separated (went twice early last year, and it turned him off) - he has always refused saying that nothing could help us - and it was too late to change anything.
Last couple of days have been pretty good. He's back to being super nice and friendly to me. He has been staying after the kids go to bed again - but the length of time has been increasing again. The other night he actually put one of 'our' DVR'd shows on and (because this is a total 180 for me), as I was about to hop in the shower after the babes went to sleep, I told him he was welcome to join me, and he totally did. And he ended up staying until about 11 that night (kids go to bed at 7, if that gives you any indication). Still no hope in my heart right now though, as I'm pretty sure he's probably just horny. This is all just so strange to me. Every time I think I've accepted that our marriage is over, I start to take a closer look at 'us' and I just can't figure out why its over. Our marriage is better now that it has been in years (since before kids - which is where it all started to fall apart). We are good friends, we are still attracted to each other, we don't fight (but we also don't live together), we are pleasant, we laugh together, we simply enjoy each other's company. We'd both do anything for each other. We are both very generous towards each other... we have two beautiful amazing little boys, and our parenting styles are the same - all the makings of a strong marriage. Except for one little thing - he doesn't know if he's in love with me anymore. Oh and nothing makes him happy anymore - hence the antidepressants he started taking a few months ago (don't even know if he still takes them, or if got a refill or anything)... Its just so heartbreaking to know that despite everything, he doesnt think he is in love with me.. i have to wonder if he ever was
uhoh, I don't know what that means Kaffe Diem lol... like I said, I am assuming every time he demonstrates his attraction for me, I can only assume its just a physical thing for him right.
onthemountaintop - thank you so much for saying that (not sure I quite believe it - hard to think there's anything there, when he's been on the fence for so long), but your post just made me smile, and cheered me up a bit. So thank you for that
Anyways, the massages were nice - very intimate without actually being intimate, and I stopped them from going any further. At this point, I'm sure he's just horny - especially if what he says is true about there not being any other women in his life. 
