I posted earlier in the week and did one coaching session. It's like the scales have fallen from my eyes. I can see where I made huge mistakes and see that my WAW is doing exactly what Michelle outlines in her book. Although my WAW are talking to each other in a much more civilied tone (basically due to the coaching and Michelle's book) I havve been able to disarm my spouse's angry responses with what I have learned.
What do I do now? She still wants a divorce and we are still set to sign the final paperwork. I wish that my spouse could see what I see now and that we need to divorce the old marriage and start a new one. The prior counseling that we had half-hearted atteempted in the past was useless in that the last couselor that we went to just kept telling us that we needed to divorce. What a waste of money and time.
I know that there is good counseling out there but one female pastor told my spouse that I needed to renounce my Catholic faith and if I did not renounce my Faith that my wife was to immediately file for divorce because that proved that I was not willing to change. What kind of advice is that to give someone? Michelle is right, divorce is not usually the answer. We have a little 8 year old who has autism and my wife is now struggling financially, because she is of the belief that our marriage is hopeless. She has her sister who has a history of breaking up marriages telling my wife that she can do much better and to dump me.
Now that i am familior with DB to a small extent I snapped at my younger sister the other day. My sister called to tell me that some mutual friends of ours are divorcing and that the husband is contesting the divorce in the state of Texas. They had beern married for 12 years with 4 children and his wife wants to leave because she states that she has "fallen out of love." My sister told me that she told her friend to follow through with the divorce and tell her soon to be ex to get a life and move on. I snapped at my sister and told her to mind her own business and that she has no business giving anyone that kind of terrble advice. My sister hung up on me but then called later that day and apologized.
Anyway what do I do now. How do I approach my WAW and not appear to be manipulative and needy? Thank you.
"Someday we may look back on this and decide that Saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole godawful mess."
I am absolutely appalled by what this pastor told your wife. That was horrible, horrible advice.
I am sure some of the vets on this board will pop in and give yoy some helpful advice. I wish I had something to say to make you feel better, just know that there are a lot of people who will support you through this.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I am so sorry you found yourself here. It is like the whole world thinks that divorce is the answer. Like you, I believe that it is usually not.
It is great that you have a DB coach. Did s/he make any specific suggestions on how to move forward with your STBXW?
I know the scales falling away from the eyes feeling...but I think that often its not about *US* but about our spouses.
You said that your wife is struggling financially and with raising your daughter as a single mom. How can you help them as a friend and not as a STBXH with an agenda? Perhaps doing the right thing is this regard will show your W that you care, that you are not giving up on your family even though she is giving up on your marriage (for now).
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Hey DS, never a good situation to be in. As stated, great you got a DB coach...
While we are generally here to save our Ms, we start with saving ourselves... doing everything we can do to be even better than we already are so that we become spouse that our partners would be fools to leave...
Now, as far as the "Divorce the old marriage and start a new one"... That's the point, yes...
Here's the thing about that... we find that some WAS actually have to go through the process in order to actually start a new relationship with the LBS and then get re-married... it happens quite frequently... not so much here, I've seen... but it really does...
There was one point, before I found these boards that I mentioned to my W in agreement to her statement of "our M is dead, but I'm not sure what I want..." or something like that, something about starting life from scratch...
Anyhow, I responded in a light bulb moment and said, "Yes, our old M is dead and we can start from scratch..."
Maaannn... did she get mad at ME for that suggestion...
So, that IS the point sometimes. Depending on where we are...
But at this time, I'd say listen to the words of your DB coach, and if there were any GAL activities or 180s that might have been suggested, or that you can try... now's the time...
If God reached down right now and made you the most positive, powerful, and convincing speaker in the world, there would still not be a single thing that could come out of your mouth that would cause your wife to change her mind.
In the list of top 5 mistakes/misconceptions that new people here make, this one is definitely in the list.
We are so used to the disagreements and arguments we had in our marriage, and that every once in awhile we could actually convince our spouse we were right.
The problem is, this is no longer the marriage you once knew.
In fact, in your wife's mind, you are NOT married any longer.
You really need to take some time and convince yourself that this is NOT one of those disagreements that you're going to work out by saying the right thing.
Because as long as you keep thinking the way you are right now, you're in for a long, miserable road that is definitely ending in divorce. And probably an ugly one.
So if you can't work on the great speech that will make her change her mind, what can you do?
You won't like this answer either...
You leave your wife alone...and you work on YOU.
You say you weren't the easiest guy in the world to live with. She says you took her for granted and didn't appreciate her (and note here that THAT means she didn't FEEL appreciated, whether you THINK you appreciated her or not).
So what were the problems in these areas? What made you not so nice to be around? What did you NOT do that would have let the woman you pledged your life to KNOW that she was still the most precious thing in the world to you?
Where did you get off track? and then, how do you get back ON track?
If you're typical of newcomers, you will give lip service to saying that "you've changed," and do everything in your power to jump back into the mode of trying to FIX your wife.
And you will be posting on here regularly about how flipping miserable you are and what a beyotch she is being.
How about saving yourself the time and effort, and listen to what the good folks around here tell you.
SUMMARY
Talking to wife about relationship? BAD Asking wife to make a decision? BAD Trying to convince your wife you are different through words? BAD
Working on YOU? GOOD SHOWING your wife through actions that you are changing? GOOD Giving your wife her space so that she can only screw up HER life? REAL GOOD
I know, it doesn't make any sense.
And by the way, the other people whispering divorce in her ear? You can't do anything about them either.
Though I'd like a few minutes in the office with that "pastor".
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
In all honesty you are correct in that i don't like your comments at all. They are presumptive and wrong. I didn't come in here to whine or bitch, and I certainly am not so naive to think that after reading one book that I am a new man and that my life has changed. I have lived long enough to realize that my wife is not goinng to listen to a thing that I have to say right now and maybe never.
I don't think that my wife is going to "realize the error of her ways" and coming running back into my arms. I don't think that my wife is a bitch either. I realize that we both contributed to a very contentious marriage and that neither of us are totally at fault, although I probably shoulder most of the responsiblity.
I am concerned because I have an autistic son, and my wife is struggling financially and I wanted to ask for some help, not a lecture. If you don't like my comments then I am sorry but I didn't appreciate your comments either in that you don't know me from Adam's housecat and have no idea what I am thinking, I am not your project so you can straighten out my "dumm ass."
"Someday we may look back on this and decide that Saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole godawful mess."
Yes he said to be "longsuffering, humble, and stop making her pay for my pain." He said to take the resentment toward her way down. All things that I have done. The session was an hour but went by so quick and I am going to do another one this week.
Please understand I am under no illusion that my wife is going to come running back to me because "I have changed." Yes my eyes are open and the scales have fallen off, but good gosh I am not an idiot who thinks that just because I have spoken to someone on the phone and read one book that my wife is going to see what a "great guy" that I am now. In fact I am new to this and don't know much. I just want to be a better person and have some peace. If the end result is that my spouse sees that she can come back then that would be great, but heaven knows I am sure not banking on it at this point nor do I think I have any answers and know everything. I am just a guy who feels terrible and misses his family terribly.
If through all of this I can become a better person and father then so be it.
"Someday we may look back on this and decide that Saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole godawful mess."
I'll leave this as my last post to you because I don't want to be irritating someone who is trying to save his marriage.
If you interpreted my comments to be suggesting that YOUR wife was a b*tch, I apologize. My comment was meant to explain that many on here approach their crisis by smothering their spouse, insisting on choices and decisions, and that what they get instead is hostility. Much of their posting then winds up being them sharing all the wrong approaches they used, and sharing how terrible they are being treated by their spouse.
The intent was to encourage AWAY from that.
You're right, I don't know you from Adam. None of us do. And yet you have posted here on an anonymous forum asking for advice. What I shared with you is my advice.
It's ok if that doesn't work for you. There is no need to become hostile about it, because it was not shared in a spirit of hostility.
When I said you wouldn't like my adivce, I was anticipating that, as a newcomer here, you would be inclined to NOT like any advice that was not centered on you directly approaching your wife and FIXING this problem.
That's it.
Best wishes on your situation. Having lived through it myself, I can empathisize with you and share that this is something you would wish on no one.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
