Went out last night. I'm a huge fan of dancing. Danced with my friends but found myself dancing alone at one point. A guy started dancing with me. He was very nice and polite. It didn't feel dirty at all, but I still get uncomfortable dancing with guys. Like every guy wants to get in my pants. This morning I woke up feeling guilty for dancing with someone. Kinda makes me happy that we didn't end up going to a lesbian bar. I would have woke up feeling horrible.
Anyway, got home and found my w on FB. I was kinda drunk and just got out of my friends car having a conversation about how everyone is worth being pursued. Anyway I pinged her to ask why she was up so late. She said she just got home and asked the same question. I answered the same. That bugged me.. but it shouldn't have. I mean, I GAL and go out almost every weekend. I guess I too get jealous of her having a life.
The other 2x4 is that I've been talking about rockclimbing. As u remember she asked me if I wanted to go with her 30 mins after she said she didn't want me in her life. I said yes, and she said she would look into it. So with it being the 23rd (voucher expires of the 28th). I thought I would ask. Still not sure the reason why. I only know that I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't drinking beforehand. Broke my own boundary of letting her come to me if she wanted to do this.
M:do u want me to forward you my rock climbing voucher W: sorry, I still havent looked into that. they need to be used by next weekend, right? M: yeah I think on thursday. it's fine..just thought I would ask W: you're working all this week, right? M: yes I work mornings W: ok, let me call them tomorrow and get back to you. I'm committing to doing that tomorrow M: k W: roughly what time will you be done, do you know? M: I have off tomorrow W: no I mean during the week M: Sunday is a 9-8, Monday is a 7-7, Tuesday is the same I may be able to do morning on Wed or Thurs W: ok, I'll see what their schedule is like M:k W: ok.. I'm off to bed, I'll catch up with you about this tomorrow. sound good? M: sure night W: Night
I don't know. I guess it's good that she is going to do something about it, but I kinda feel like if it was more important to her, she would have reached out sooner... well actually that she would have made the effort at all.
I have no problems understanding the fact she has to really think about each time she hangs out with me, but to be honest, I'm not really sure how to handle her at the moment. I still want to be nice and pleasant because that's who I want to be, but there is still the emotional abuse and emotional unavailability that weighs heavy on my mind. I kinda want to be like "I don't know if you know this, but not following through with what you said, makes me feel unloved". I realize that's my bs, but she did help create that over time. But again, I can't say anything caz she has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want to work on any thing in regards to our dynamic. I realize that if one person changes, the dynamic changes, but I honestly just don't know how to change that.
Any advice would be really appreciated. I'm feeling kinda stuck and she is gonna call and see if I want to go.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
