H is stuck

[Sanderika]

Greetings To All.....

Cas, I know you won't mind if I post on your thread

I came by to express my good wishes to you all, especially those who have clearly struggled with a MLCer and have DB like pros and hung in there for the long haul.

I want you all to know that this site and the kind folks who take the time to show compassion and offer advise and friendship during our most difficult days has helped me immeasurably. I can say, without question, that this place saved me from completely falling apart many times.

I have been DB to a MLCer for 71 Months now, the 6 year anniversary of bomb drop is August 16th.

While I have been able to take my relationship and marriage with my precious husband from a very precarious place at bomb drop to what is now a real friendship that shows "some" possibilities that we could reconcile, I now realize that a friendship is all that we will likely achieve. I have an H who is still clearly standing on the centerline after all these years. It is now time for me to stop DB. DB saved me and not my marriage.

I am grateful for all that I have learned. While I wish none of this happened to us, the lessons learned will last my lifetime. I am by far a better person for having lived through this experience. I would not trade what I have learned for anything.
My reward for my hard work and changes would have been to get my husband back. I do not believe that it is up to me, and I have now learned that I have absolutely no control whether that will happen or not. I used to think I could do "all" the work and he would come back willfully and happily and that "happily ever after ending" would be ours once again.

My husband is free to come and go as he pleases and make choices for him that he considers to be good for him. At this point in time all I can do is take good care of me and my son. All I can do is go about my day WITHOUT putting any thoughts into what he is or is not doing and with whom and what.

For DBers this is a very hard lesson to learn. It takes a good long time to really understand and find peace that it is not us, we are fine. The problems lie with the MLCer. They are so riddled with issues both past and present. They are the ones who need to do the work and until they decide to make changes in themselves nothing we do will change their view of the relationship and marriage with us. They will remain stuck. They left for reasons they can validate, it's not easy to erase those reasons and convince them that "things are now different and will be different".

I have just now accepted that my marriage was over at bomb drop. I attempted to save a marriage that had already been dissolved in my husband's opinion. I have spent 6 years being the OW to a person who my husband still chooses to have in his life. I have experienced so many touch and goes that I do not know why I am not stark raving crazy. I admit I found hope in every close encounter (we remained in sexual contact throughout this separation) and including all the most mundane gestures. I admit that I was always hopeful about reconciling. To me I could not understand why he wouldn't want to come back. The bottom line is we lost our marriage together. I have DB alone. The best thing would have been to have worked harder while we were together and once he left it was an uphill battle to fix what was broken. I have huge regrets at not being wiser and more in-tuned to our marriage beforehand. As long as there is an OP in the picture, reconciling a marriage is not possible.

We have a court date to the status of a 2nd Divorce my H filed against me in September, I will be motioning to move it forward for the simple reason the OW is still in the picture.

In closing, I have come back to say thank you and to wish all of you the very best as you navigate through your separations, I will continue to be hopeful for you that your marriages can be saved and families can be reunited.

Cas, GAG, CW, Rabbit....I will see you in the alt. Beatrice, I wish you could go over there, I understand your personal reasons for not doing so. I will check in from time to time to see how you are doing with XH and communicating.

Goodbye and (((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika