The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[abbey1989]

Hi AJM,

Thank you for your words. I guess I have been avoiding the whole attorney thing because I feel once I go there.......it will be hard to look back.

I don't know if I am so emotional because of the lack of attention from H, my kids growing up and not needing me as much any more, blah blah blah. All I know is I break down and cry over the craziest things lately (not in front of anyone though). My daughter's college sent a package in the mail with little "Out of the Blue" care package cards so that on various holidays...or for no reason at all I can send her care packages when she is at college. I opened that envelope and just cried! What is wrong with me?

We were originally supposed to leave today for our vacation...but then decided to leave tomorrow early instead. We're going with a couple other families who are also leaving tomorrow.

So last night I was super excited to be off of work and in "vacation mode". H got home and I said hey let's go to dinner to kick off our vacation! He replied "ah...if we go out...I'll lose steam and I want to ride my bike in the a.m. I'm happy to stay home and do laundry tonight". Seriously?? And guess who is doing the laundry?

And I know until I can have an honest conversation about why I get anxious about his "bike rides" and "motorcycle rides", things will never change. And he'll just accuse me of not trusting.

Last few nights I haven't been sleeping....H could tell something was wrong and he did actually put his arm around me and snuggle in bed that night. I can count two times in the last six months when he has done that.

I know I sound like a blubbering idiot. Sometimes just need to vent when there is no one to talk to. Thank for listening.

Maybe I need meds. I don't know.

[AJM80]

Hi Abbey - I actually went to an attorney in Nov last year and only recently told H about it. I went to find out my rights and what I should be worried about/prepared for. I just did a free consultation and not to take action.

Go out tonight and put some sugar in his gas tank. That'll bust up his morning ride. mostly kidding

It's totally normal to be emotional with kids going off to college. Plus you have all this craziness going on. Could you be pre-menopausal? (you don't have to answer, just something to thing about - maybe talk to your general doctor.) The hormone changes could be stressing you out even more. Or maybe you do need meds - go see a psych. If you need some help getting through this, take it.

I do think a PI and an atty will help you take some control of the situation - not even to confront or threaten H with - but so you really know what you are dealing with and fighting.

Hope you have an amazing vacation! Send your kids postcards

[Starsky309]

Go out tonight and put some sugar in his gas tank. That'll bust up his morning ride. mostly kidding

Ahhhh, nothing like a little infidelitus interruptus. I like your style, AJM.


Starsky

[AJM80]

How was your trip?

[abbey1989]

Hi,

Since I last checked in, so much has happened. I forgot my login and password for awhile!

Our trip was great although since we went with two other families, not very intimate. We did laugh a lot and had a blast in the boat and tubing. As a group we went wine tasting but guess who got carsick on the way there? (ME!!!!) Super attractive!! So I was the only one of the group who didn't taste any wine.

When we returned from the trip, we celebrated our 22nd anniversary. That was fun.......we rode the train up to San Juan Capistrano and had dinner out. Stopped into a country western bar to hear some music while we were there. Nice time!

My beloved 12 year old golden retriever passed away in early August. He fell asleep under a tree and never woke up. I loved him. We all cried (even H - which is unusual). I appreciated having H there that morning because he handled taking care of our little departed pooch. He even cleaned him up so the kids could say their goodbyes (there were ants all over him already). Our other golden is really depressed since then so I've been trying to bring her on car rides and walk with her as much as possible. Almost time for off-leash beach walks (after labor day!).

Last Friday we took D17 up to college. Poor thing was sick to her stomach all the way through L.A. Nerves I suppose. Once she felt better, the 3 of us had a really nice trip. H brought his bike and did a long ride the morning of her move-in. He also did a hike alone. I didn't want to miss a single last minute with my girl. When she asked me to braid her hair that morning I started crying. She always asks me to braid her hair........won't be doing that for awhile. She just laughed and gave me a hug. Probably won't see her until Thanksgiving unless I get a wild hair to do some wine tasting and visit her in Sonoma.

S20 leaves for his new school on Friday. It is only a couple of hours away so I'm sure we'll be seeing him more often. Still...with dog gone, daughter gone and son soon to be gone.....feeling pretty blue. H doesn't have the same feelings. Maybe it is a mom thing. PLUS....his OW in wings. Makes my stomach turn.

I had been hoping that he was no longer involved in her new home construction, but pulled up her permit (public information) and sure enough, he is listed as the contact on a few of the items for the building department - inspections scheduled for just last week!!!!! I rationalize to myself, well maybe he is just being nice and trying to help her out. I could handle that! (maybe) But the fact that he has never once...NOT ONCE...mentioned any involvement in project proves he has something to hide. In fact last year he denied involvement in her project. If there is nothing fishy going on, then why the secrets? And I think....that he thinks....that simply by not sharing his whereabouts....he is not LYING. But it is LYING!

So, I still haven't seen a lawyer, I still want my old life back, I'm tired of feeling like crap. I almost texted him today to ask him about the house that I didn't know he was building. I almost pressed send......but then deleted it. I called him a few times when I saw the permit info and when he finally answered I hung up on him. Then he called back and I was vague and he called a little while later and I was cool and vague.

CRYING AND SAD TODAY. FOR MANY REASONS.

Thanks for listening..........

[kml]

AWwwww ((((((hugs)))))) we should be going out for margaritas!

Things may or may not come to a head now that the kids are gone. You may need to think strategically about what your goals are.

Do you WANT to know the truth about what he's up to? What will you do with that information? If you knew for sure he was having an affair, would it change your plans?

And let's assume, for a moment, that either you call it off or he calls it off now that the kids are out of the house. Are you financially prepared for that moment? If not, what should you be doing right now to make yourself be in a better financial place in case that happens?

[abbey1989]

KML a good margarita would suit me just fine! Had a great dirty martini last night!

Moved S20 into his new place yesterday. We all had a nice time together and I feel so proud that both of my kids have made it to university. Their lives are just beginning!!!

This morning, I feel as if I have turned a page. I've been meditating on the words "I am responsible for my own happiness". When I really focus on that and believe it....I feel better and can even try to see H as a "person" and not the man driving me crazy with for the past 3 yrs. Of course this is today. Tomorrow I could be a complete basket case again. Roller Coaster! But trying......

H and I talked this morning about fixing up the house. A sign that he will be staying or a sign that he wants to sell? We've even talked about holiday plans so a good sign I suppose.

Out to walk the dog on this beautiful San Diego day!

Song for the day: "Good Life" OneRepublic

[abbey1989]

Nice weekend overall.......but Saturday H did leave to go on a bike ride, but the next day I noticed again that his riding clothes were clean and fresh. F.

We did do a bike ride together which was nice. And did a client dinner dinner and also an anniversary party too.

Still trying to figure out if i can outlast his A. I faltered and found OWs house that H has been at the very least consulting on. not even framed yet. This is going to take awhile.

Then I saw an ad where OW is teaching a gardening class in a couple of weeks at my college. I secretly fantasize about going and making her very uncomfortable by my presence. of course I wouldn't do it but fun to think about.

[abbey1989]

It's my birthday today. H forgot. On his way out the door this a.m. he asked "so is there anything going on today?" And I said "no....not really..."

Then kissed him goodbye and he asked again so is there anything going on today? Then I said "my birthday......" and he said "OH!!!!!!! Your birthday!" He told me to have a good day and was out the door.

Whatever. See typically, I am the planner of the birthdays, the parties, the get togethers. Even my own. I decided not to plan my own birthday this year to see what would happen.

Am having a cocktail after work with a girlfriend so that will be fun.

Not gonna make any plans with H. If he wants to drum something up...fine!

[verycrazy]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Try to have some fun.



vc