Thanks for the reply!! I have asked him to send the OW a no-contact letter and he will not do it. He says our problem is that I expect to much from him. I just don't see it as expecting to much for him to tell the OW that he is completely finished with their relationship...
It's not -- it's completely reasonable, based on his past infidelity and deceit, and with this very same woman to boot.
The key is for you to make this about YOU and not about HIM. It's not "You need to end all contact," it's "In order for me to accept you back, you need to understand that I CANNOT LIVE IN A MARRIAGE WHERE MY HUSBAND IS STILL IN CONTACT WITH A WOMAN WITH WHOM HE HAD AN AFFAIR. That doesn't work for me."
See the difference?
Try to find the old threads and posts by a poster named pearlharbor. In her case, it was a long-term boyfriend and not her husband, but she was very good at this. She would say "Look, this is what I need in a boyfriend; whether or not YOU think you can BE that, that's completely up to you, but this is what I need." -- and then she'd completely detach.
SG is right -- it's going to take a long time for your husband's feelings to return; he can't just "flip the switch" overnight. But the distinction you need to make with him is, that's AFTER he ends all contact with OW. That IS a decision, and a "switch" that he can CHOOSE to flip (or not). If he does decide to end all contact with her, he CAN, slowly over time, get "those" feelings back for you. If he DOESN'T end all contact, then it's pretty much impossible (unless OW does something on her end to implode the relationship, and even then it's common for your husband to do the "pining" thing and still have feelings for her).
You needn't apologize for feeling what you feel, nor needing what you need. And it's only FAIR to let your husband know what those things are that you need. Whether or not he can MEET them, is entirely up to him.
