It was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that W's XH, his W and her oldest son were supporting me in this sitch. The true meaning of forgiveness was shown by all 3 of them.
Today, nothing between W and me has changed. We've had a couple of R/M talks that have gone nowhere; she remains confused and conflicted. But thanks to my faith, my continued personal growth, the love of family & friends and great advice from people on this board I am not going to give up on my W or my M until I know it is time to stop. That time is not yet here.
I think it is a true blessing that your W's XH, his wife and oldest son support you in this. I don't think I'd be able to wrap my head around it either. In my sitch, my IL started out seemingly supportive but are now to the point where I'm basically dead to them and they wish to have nothing to do with the sitch from my end. You should be thankful for the fact that you have some people in your life that have not only forgiven you for your past but have recognized your present. Use that as a small victory that you can build on.
I haven't read your entire story but I think I saw something where you were debating possibly moving back in and/or sleeping in the same bed again. I did that. And in my sitch and sent my W off the deep end. She called the police (who basically told her they could do nothing) and then ultimately hired a lawyer and had in the petition for divorce that she wanted me out of the house.
As someone else pointed out to you, you have to think about why are you REALLY considering it? When I look back, I know I only did it for me. I did it for my ego. I did it to prove a point. And it got me nowhere fast. I didn't feel any better and it just fueled my W rage and gave her more reason to rationalize something as "my fault." They may not happen to you but I just wanted to share my similar experience in that regard. You sound like you're doing well all things considered. You should be proud of that.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
mgm32, thanks for your comments. I think you're right about not retaking the marital bed. I had mentioned it about 6 weeks ago and was told "no way". It is a pride and ego-driven issue; I feel like I have been demoted in my own house. But the reality is that I'm giving my W as much space as I possibly can while still living in the same house, so until she decides to re-commit or move out I can stand it.
Doesn't mean I have to like it, though...
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Backslid big time this evening. Came home from the gym, saw W's phone on the charger and looked. She's locked it again with a password. Last time she did that it was during her hot-and-heavy sessions with the OM.
I know, I know...I've been telling everyone else not to snoop and I do it anyway. And where did it get me? NOWHERE. Can't very well accuse her of being sneaky and evasive, can I? Now I get to fight with my imagination running away with all kinds of bad things.
OK...deep breath...tell myself, "Detach, detach, detach.STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT SHE IS DOING! I can do nothing about her stuff. Keep GALing and working on myself."
Let the 2x4's commence.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Remember jealousy will make you angry, and at the very least passive aggressive. She'll pick up on this. If you're moody she will use it as further justification of how you treat her bad. If anything you need to be the best telemark you can be.
This way she will look at how great of a guy you are being, and how despicably she is acting, and hopefully feel some guilt.
Believe me she know that what she is doing is wrong, just doesn't understand why she can't stop herself. She is probably looking for justification for her behaviors. If you confront her she will accuse you of snooping and use it to justify herself. If you are the best guy ever she may feel scummy for her actions.
That being said if she is as you said being hot and heavy again. Expect her to start fights. Do your best to diffuse the situation. Whenever my W was feeling low she'd pick a fight just to have someone to blame but herself. Don't get sucked in!
Save your money at the lumberyard; I didn't say a word. Unfortunately it does tell me she suspects I am still snooping which will push her further away.
I don't trust or respect her; she doesn't trust or respect me. I had hoped the tension in the house would lessen as time went on, but it feels like it's getting worse.
I got home from the gym at 8:00 last night. She was on Skype w/ her older sister planning the wedding for older sister's son. This has been the nightly routine for the last several weeks. Meanwhile SS21 is bouncing off the walls because he wants her attention and isn't getting it. When I went to bed at 11 she was still on.
Why does that bother me? I guess it is somewhat hurtful because I know I won't be going, but I hear W talk about the beautiful sexy dresses and shoes she will be buying for it (can't recall the last time she bought something special for anything we did together). I am assuming she will meet OM at the wedding, which will be in Texas, and the EA will become a PA. And her Skype sessions go on for hours; there is nowhere in the house I can go to really escape it except to my bedroom, and I'm not going to hole up in there every night.
Yes, I'm obsessing about all of this, and I don't like it. I'm trying to find things to do outside of the house in the evenings that won't cost a ton of money and get me around some new people.
On the plus side, I went to a blues jam in Lancaster last week and played w/ some pretty good musicians. The club was nearly empty, but I did get away for a few hours.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
