KD thanks for responding...yes I am still angry about giving money to her even though I talk at great lenth with my C about this......So another Roller Coaster starts....Even going dark...even trying to detach...why do I let her suck me back in....I did however block her phone number and sent her an email...telling her not to text or call.. I would prefer an email....the money issue is done....the visitation is done....she can have anyone of my teenagers call me in a emergency....Don't know if this was good or bad....But being dark even though I think about her.....is easier than talking to her....I read on a post here that a husband liked and loved talking or fighting with his WAW...it made him still feel connected.....17 months and I am just about over it....Not quite but just...now for the 2x4's Sandi and 25 where are you..
I Had surgery so can't post for long. (I'm fine & grateful, but very sore/tired and a big buzzed)
Originally Posted By: OneLessWife
KD thanks for responding...yes I am still angry about giving money to her What does this ^^^^ mean? The court ordered amount? No point in being angry about that. You had a L or you could have. I think it's better that the check goes automatically into her account, which I think will be happening right?) You won't have to deal with her or writing a check after this, right?
even though I talk at great lenth with my C about this......So another Roller Coaster starts....
Explain this^^^...
Even going dark...even trying to detach...why do I let her suck me back in....I did however block her phone number and sent her an email...telling her not to text or call.. I would prefer an email....the money issue is done....the visitation is done....she can have anyone of my teenagers call me in a emergency. Til I know what this means ^^^^ I can't respond but I hope you do not mean that you are cutting contact with your kids off. That's a mistake which will confirm the negatives She has about you and makes you look bad in every way possible. And surely it must make YOU wonder about the changes you say you made. Cutting your kids off is the act of a bitter desparate man. So let me know what this means.
...Don't know if this was good or bad.... Well you know how I feel if it's the kids getting the cold shoulder from you.
But being dark even though I think about her.....is easier than talking to her....I read on a post here that a husband liked and loved talking or fighting with his WAW...it made him still feel connected.....17 months and I am just about over it....Not quite but just...now for the 2x4's Sandi and 25 where are you..
Explain your course of action and what it means, and we can address this better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 I hope you recover well, it says alot about you and your willingness to help a hard head like me:
So about the money issue, not its not court ordered , however we have had a signed agreement for about a month..Nothing really changed in the written agreement other than it is now official. I started out being angry about giving her money and her using it for the OM,,,,petty stuff I am sure of like washing his dirty laundry with the very soap powder I provide....We had a joint account and I opened one of my own and just put money in every two weeks.. When we got to mediation about the agreement she opened up her own account, that I have absolutely no access to, other than walking in the branch and asking them to deposit the check....When she asked me why I did not put it in the bank I was pissed, how can a woman who says she does not want me to have any control of her...get mad at me for not putting a check in the bank at 7pm at night, knowing full well I don't have acces. And this is by her choice.....
What I mena about being angry at giving her money, I know and willingly give a good amount each month....but when she takes off of work to be with the OM and then asks me for money I get pissed. I don't have the luxury of doing this....This woman knows how much it takes to run a family of 7, or at least she did....So yes I get angry because she wanted this and is not pulling her fair share....
Let me respond to you about the no contact.....I just blocked her phone number, I have four teenagers that I provide phones for and they still text me or talk to me often.....I will never cut them off.
Now for the hard part....I was not the best husband and near the end there was alot of screaming and yelling mostly on my part...My girls saw almost all of this.....Being homeschooled by there mother and doing things with her while I was working....right now they have her back and I mean her full back....they talk to me but really don't want to see me that often...and that hurts...it also makes me angry as hell.....I feel that my M is about over...so I have asked my W to forgive me...It seems like everytime we interact she brings up something of the past...We argue about it and the girls must hear it...So they associate me with there mother being upset...They completely think that its 100% my fault....So I have asked or begged my W to forgive and help me get back to my girls.....I have told her, I have given you what you want so why rehash everything...she has no answer....
That is why I want to know does a WAS keep the resentment and anger fresh in there mind on a daily basis...so that they justify there decisions they are maiking..
25 I hope you recover well, it says alot about you and your willingness to help a hard head like me:
Thanks for the good wishes. I have to say, next time I see a stabbed guy on TV running or talking or fighting, I will say "not likely!" b/c I feel as if I got stabbed, (surgically speaking) and it is TOUGH...I'm barely able to walk and breathe deeply...sheesh!
So about the money issue, not its not court ordered , however we have had a signed agreement for about a month..Nothing really changed in the written agreement other than it is now official. Yet you're getting angry all over again, right? I mean, do you see how this does NOT help YOU?
I started out being angry about giving her money and her using it for the OM,,,,petty stuff I am sure of like washing his dirty laundry with the very soap powder I provide.... Think about this ^^^. Do you think, realisitically, she should set his laundry apart from the other laundry so "your soap" isn't cleaning his stuff? You do see how this sounds, right? You are inflicting more pain on yourself here. Don't do that One, you have to care for yourself better. Does that make sense?
We had a joint account and I opened one of my own and just put money in every two weeks.. When we got to mediation about the agreement she opened up her own account, that I have absolutely no access to, other than walking in the branch and asking them to deposit the check Why would you need access to her account? This is about control and how you were used to having it and now you don't...you have to let go or you'll torture yourself.
....When she asked me why I did not put it in the bank I was pissed, how can a woman who says she does not want me to have any control of her...get mad at me for not putting a check in the bank at 7pm at night, knowing full well I don't have acces. And this is by her choice.....
Let it go. She knows at some level she was not being reasonable. Don't hold your breath waiting for an apology, okay? Maybe things are not so easy on her financially...oh well...
What I mena about being angry at giving her money, I know and willingly give a good amount each month....but when she takes off of work to be with the OM and then asks me for money I get pissed. I know you get pissed. And how has your anger helped YOU? Oh, oops..it hasn't.
..So yes I get angry because she wanted this and is not pulling her fair share.... NEWSFLASH...most of the time a very very UNFAIR thing has happened to us. That's reality. Get over it. My h did an unfair, selfish thing to me and our kids. He "wronged" me. And....so....?????? I chose to look past that but it doesn't mean he didn't do a lousy thing. I got past it.
WE ALL HAD TO...and besides, in her view
you were unfair to HER...and her view counts too.
Let me respond to you about the no contact.....I just blocked her phone number, I have four teenagers that I provide phones for and they still text me or talk to me often.....I will never cut them off.
GOOD TO HEAR^^^...really good.
Now for the hard part....I was not the best husband and near the end there was alot of screaming and yelling mostly on my part...My girls saw almost all of this..... well, crap....
Being homeschooled by there mother and doing things with her while I was working....right now they have her back and I mean her full back....they talk to me but really don't want to see me that often...and that hurts...
of course it hurts. You have got to get a grip on your anger One. IT's hurting your cause in so many ways. I don't know what else to say about it; it's hurting YOU...you must let this go. Do whatever it takes!!
It's consuming YOU! You have to see this or you won't get rid of it. I know the feeling. I was getting eaten up inside and it was interfering in MY inner world by letting the anger rule me. It SEEMED easier to feel anger over being sad...but either feeling just eats away at you...
SO you must let go of it. FOR YOU... it also makes me angry as hell..... yeah One, we KNOW...and you are not getting anywhere good with it.
I feel that my M is about over...so I have asked my W to forgive me...It seems like everytime we interact she brings up something of the past... Then do not engage. You say "I already apologized & I can't live in the past anymore. Sorry if I hurt you" and end it there. Get off the phone. You may have to say this a dozen times til she stops doing it. But she will eventually stop it. OR you just get off the phone, or leave the room/apartment and IT STOPS b/c it takes two to fight. Really, it does.
We argue about it and the girls must hear it...So they associate me with there mother being upset. Yes they do. So you must stop engaging, One...it's not easy BUT it IS simple.
..They completely think that its 100% my fault.... Your anger is YOUR problem....YOU must work on it. Period. FOR YOU...and your d's...and for the possibility of a recon m someday...
So I have asked or begged my W to forgive and help me get back to my girls.....I have told her, I have given you what you want so why rehash everything...she has no answer....
[color:#FF0000] Then stop asking for forgiveness. You were clear, right? Okay then. Your words are meaningless if they are then followed by more anger. Be done.
Change your actions/behavior and stop apologizing. Enough of that. It just keeps it fresh.... what the girls need and what YOU need is the same thing, thankfully. That is YOU dealing better with your anger.
In your work, you have to deal with your anger and control it. Why can't you do that with your w? Use the tools you already have. Or get new ones, either way you have to fix this asap. [/color]
That is why I want to know does a WAS keep the resentment and anger fresh in there mind on a daily basis...so that they justify there decisions they are maiking..
Yes they do rehash and revise, esp when their new life isn't fun anymore. But what changes this
is NOT more fighting with you. You have to contrast your present day behavior with your past and you aren't yet...that's NOT helping your cause...
Let the anger go, for YOU...let go of the fact that something unfair is happening to you.
I met a 10 y/o girl at a summer cancer camp who once said "I used to ask God why. 'Why am I sick, God? Why, why why? Then I realized I just am, so I decided to have fun while I can"...
and she did have fun. And it was her last summer.
Her words were a gem to me.
Life IS unfair...why?
I don't know why.
All I DO know is, we have to make the best of what we do have.
make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey there gang, have not posted an update for a while, there was nothing new to report actually until yesterday. So here it goes: Last week I was talking with the W, she has become insistant that I file for the D, I have told her that I don't want to. She keeps talking about getting out from under my control. I simply do not understand what that means....I told her I was willing to let things go on as they were until she works them out. After all the reading and therapy sessions, I think OM will fizzle out. However she makes it seem to me....(wishifull thinking I guess on my part) , that she needs to be fully divorced before she can even think about starting up with the new and improved OLW....Anyway I went an filed Thursday and paid for it. I called her and told her and she got mad that I did not pay for the name change. We had already talked about it and she agreed several months ago to keep the name she has until the youngest graduates...I told her what ever, if she wanted it she could pay. She was supposed to go down to the court and sign the 3 week waiver and pay the money to get her name changed. I do not know if she went down yet. I have to call the judges secratary on Tuesday and get a court date...It is that easy. So my friends, I will keep DBing and being the best father to my girls. I will be moving over to Surviving the Big D after it becomes final. I do lurk here daily and read all situations. I believe in my heart that I might be able to salvage my M sometime down the road, but I will not engage in R anymore. I have a friend that I work with whose W left him for a younger man almost three years ago and she just recently asked for another chance. I have read on here, 9's situation is a little different but appears she was wanting back...Several others as well..
So my DB friends I will keep hoping while ONE LESS WIFE becomes a better man for himself. I have owned all of my mistakes and can look myself in the mirrior and respect the guy that I see. Thanks for all of the support and guidence I have recieved....
Well guys, I know my situation has been bizarre to say the least. As I have gathered a WAS in the midst of a MLC , one can't chart a course....now that I realize this marathon as everyone calls it has to end sometime for the both of us...
I can only say this, I filed because I it has to stop sometime. As long as we can't get along, it affects my children....I have been seeing a C for well over a year now and my W says that she does not need any help...even when I tell her about my C and the self help books I have read, she says that all of the PHD's don't know her and therefore could never render a diagnosis. So if she wants a D and will not give up OM, she has it.....And to answer your question KD, only time will tell.. One thing I can say for sure is I have doen everything for me and in doing this have reconized that all things are fixable...as the experts say on here not all marriages can be fixed...I now agree, however I will move on and if one day my W calls me to talk....I will listen...I will keep you posted.
But don't put the legal/logistical/financial burden on you when this was not your choice.
She wanted you to pay for her name change? Sorry, but that is insane.
So just realize that. She is not acting with sound mind.
But by doing these things for her, you keep her from having to deal with it. You are still protecting her. The protection is still a form of holding on.
Let reality back into her life. Don't protect her from it.
Just my VHO.
Take care.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
