Doing alright. July is a rough month. Our 5 year anniversary is this Wednesday, Her 1 yr sobriety is on Sunday, the day I asked her to marry me on the 27th and her birthday on the 30th. Holy month from he!!.
She continues to be nice to me. Calling (vs texting which has been her usual way to communicate) to ask me if I wanted to feed the cats while she is away. She said she could find someone else but thought it would be a good opportunity for me to see them. It was a very bubbly yet genuine call. She even told me to call her back (up until now it has been.. just send me a text) She knows I miss them. I called her back much later leaving a voice message saying I would. She called me back and we chatted about it. I validated her action of being thoughtful and assured her that I did not think she was passing the buck (because I truly don't). She was fearful of that. However she continued to chat about a few other things. I listened and was pleasant and then we got off the phone. Still have yet to end the conversation first.. need to work on that one.
I'm not sure why w is being so thoughtful or kind.... maybe now that she has the D conversation off her chest, she can be nice. Maybe seeing how loving I was to her on Saturday prompted her to be more loving to me.
Who knows. I don't really want to assume anything although assuming the last sentence from above inspires me to keep going. Not because I want her to be loving to me, but because I've been actively working on it for 8 months and it's nice to see it changing my life. It's difficult for me to be positive in the sitch, but I feel very proud of how I am handling things. The challenge for me is that I still want to protect myself from her. Even if she is being pleasant, she also said that she didn't want me in her life. I want to continue working on me, but want to set up some good boundaries so I don't put myself in hurtful situations. Like assume she cares.
What to do..what to do.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I'm not sure why w is being so thoughtful or kind.... maybe now that she has the D conversation off her chest, she can be nice. Maybe seeing how loving I was to her on Saturday prompted her to be more loving to me.
Please focus on you, on your GAL, on your 180s, on your real changes. Appreciate that she was expressing herself in a kind and thoughtful manner.
Please do not make my mistakes and attach meaning to a few kind words or actions at this juncture. She can afford to be kind, she thinks she is getting what she wants and you’re taking care of her pets. Appreciate that you had a pleasant conversation. Do what works to have another without sacrificing your integrity/boundaries.
I guess I am trying to reinforce this
Quote:
I want to continue working on me, but want to set up some good boundaries so I don't put myself in hurtful situations. Like assume she cares.
IDK if it is, but the last bit about assuming her level of caring seems a little self defeating. You are stronger than that or you would not have made it this far.
What are your boundaries?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
JS That is a great question about boundaries. I'm still trying to figure it out.
She came over to drop off the keys last night and we talked for an hr. Great conversation. She said she has been thinking about me all week and wanting to text me. She says maybe its because she released some of the shame.. she doesn't know. Idk.
It is very confusing. I'm trying to not attach meaning to anything.. just confused. Mainly because she so definitely expressed that we could not have any kind of relationship, friendship, etc. Too much work. So I feel it's easy to be nice to me when she can handle it, but when the work comes in.. she cowers away.
Boundaries right now are that I'm not initiating any contact with her. She knows I'm there and that I care, its up to her to take that step. No saying it a thousand times, no pressure, no tricking her so she let's me in. and that if she wants any kind of relationship/friendship.. she contacts me or makes an effort. I'm moving on with my life. I expressed that I would like her to be part of it, but she doesn't want to. It's too much work. Therefore I'm done pushing it. I care and I'm nice, but the street has to be two ways
She has not contacted me about rock climbing. I don't know if she will.. I don't know what I'll say if she asks. Part of me wants to validate her effort by hanging out, but part of me doesn't want to assume she is making an effort to be part of my life (ie.. the comment about not caring). She is very wishy washy with what she says. Saturday - she didn't want to have me in her life. Last night - we spoke like our old selves. I guess I'll cross that bridge if/when I get there.
I'm rambling. Point is.. I'm taking small steps. Eventually she will have to make the effort... because what's the point of her being in my life. Relationships take work. Friendships take work. When I have the strength, I will set that boundary. Won't happen today or tomorrow.. but I'll get there.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
You can't mentally hold her to something she said (Don't be a part of her life) either in an angry moment or
at a time when she wanted to be sure she was setting her own boundaries with you.
Let me ask you this...
if you two did somehow reconcile, how would marriage to YOU today
be different than before?
Specifically, how have YOU changed?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Val, yes small steps and all relationships take work.
I used to tell my kids that friendships need to be serviced when they were having relationship problems as kids. When they got older they didn’t want advice from Dad. Surprising how they are coming around for advice now even with this drama in our lives.
IMO, what you’re describing as a boundary sounds self-imposed and more like going dark than a boundary for your W to respect. Although I generally disagree with Starsky’s approach he did define boundaries in a manner I understood. “Action then consequence” or words to that effect.
I my own sitch STBXW was coming by and inciting chaos. Intentionally trying to provoke a response. Poking the bear with a sharpened stick. My stated boundary was you’ll get further if you speak to me with courtesy as if I was another person. I will not respond to angry words.
I am not saying this is a boundary you need or should use. I am using an example from my sitch as an illustration.
Boundaries are for you and her safe detachment. Use them for your health and hers.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
@ 25. I'm sure she is. I understand where she is coming from. it is safer for me to just assume she meant what she said on Saturday, ignore her and cut her off. I know I'm not to that point (and I don't really want to), but it hurts and some days, it's hard to keep going.
Changes in me are that I'm alot more positive. In work, in life, with friends. I don't judge them for their decisions. I really try to not react, see where other people are coming from. I realize that no one is 100% right or wrong, therefore there is always empathy, validation, and understanding in every conversation. I'm being strong and realizing when I need support vs. being needy.
@ JS - You are right, they are MY boundaries. I think perhaps it's because that's who I'm focusing on. Me and My Codependency. Maybe I set my boundaries because I know deep down if I set boundaries for w to respect she wouldn't.. unless they were "don't talk to me" or "I want you out of my life". I think setting my own boundaries will help me become a better person and will change my dynamic with all r.. including one with w.
Yesterday was my anniversary and although it suKed.. it was bearable. For some reason, today is a little rougher. Perhaps because neither of us acknowledged it. Who knows.
Day at a time. That's how I live. Some times.. its an hr at a time.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Not really too much to report in the past week. W continued reaching out to me. Spoke again on Friday when she landed in Chicago. I texted her on Sunday to congratulate on her 1 yr sobriety in OA. She kept on with the conversation. I ended both!
Got a little upset when we separated phone bills and she was able to upgrade her phone and I wasn't.. at first. Didn't call her though and was able to calm down.
She hasn't really reached out to me this week. She did respond to a Facebook post from yesterday morning today. The only she would have seen it is if she looked at my page. I guess she could have continued looking at older posts. If she is looking though, I find that interesting.
I still find it interesting that she tried to set the boundary of not being in my life, but tracks and comments on it.
I also find it interesting that she never says she is doing good. She's honest in saying that she is ok, sitting in her feelings, admitting the other night that she is "not dealing with anything". It's interesting that I am the one that's doing better out the two of us. I'm working on myself and continue to push myself to be a better person. Not perfect, never will be, but dammit.. I'm gonna keep going!
When I hear about how her life isn't great, I have such empathy for her. I wish I could be there for her but I always have to remember that she knows I'm here, she chooses not to allow me in. Very typical behavior but this time, I'm not pressuring or forcing the situation. My door's open, but she has to walk through. I'm there when she can open up.. when she can't, I'm doing everything I can to let it go.
Who knows what tomorrow brings. Good thing is that I only get to work on and enjoy today. It's only been 3 months and although I had the D bomb dropped only a week ago it's amazing how quickly I can calm the storm. How each day is a day I get to enjoy vs a day where I'm desperately trying to make it through.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, A nephew of mine currently deployed complained recently on FB how bored he was, not much was happening etc.
If he was a REMF in the rear with the gear I’d responded those were the breaks.
He’s not, he’s a grunt. I responded telling him now is a time to work on himself and his gear to keep it ready for when he needs it. That boring was not a bad thing if he uses his time wisely.
I am not saying you are board. I am saying
Now is an opportunity to work more on you and your things. You are each experiencing this time, good and bad. Leave the door open, but don’t watch it. This is as much her journey as it is yours she needs this experience also.
It is ok to wonder a little and prepare for when she makes contact. Just don’t let yourself get wrapped around the axle speculating. If she asks, help, like with the pets, but watch for cake eating and don’t get trapped into being a doormat. It can become a fine line based on your perceptions and boundaries. Keep it healthy for you.
Keep your FB posts upbeat. Highlight the positive the strong, and resolute. Be genuine. You are changing, improving yourself, represent it. You are not having a party so don’t fake one.
My WAS is posting vehement angry victim like diatribes. Not attractive, I am very glad I am blocked.
Use this forum to vent and question, express your negatives here.
You sound like you’re making progress on you, so keep it up, make it real, keep doing what works.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
@JS. Mostly I FB about stuff on set. I work in the film business.. so I have plenty to talk about. 99% positive. Also always stating about what I'm grateful for or when I do something new. Never negative or about r or w.
I'm making a conscious effort to be positive on FB about life. I know it bothers her (she had mentioned a post that made her jealous and angry) but I'm not doing it to get at her. I made it very clear that we could try new things together or create a new dynamic back when we were separating. She chose this. I understand, but what am I suppose to do.. sit in a hole and die?? She wants me to be well, it's just for her to hear that I am.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
99% positive. Also always stating about what I'm grateful for or when I do something new. Never negative or about r or w.