I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

[faithisbelieving]

I need to catch up. CTH...your one that's worth coming back for. Just a quick hello for now. I read that you are D'd. I'll say to you what Frank D said to me:

"You'll be OK".

FIB

[ClingingToHope]

Ugh ... that was weird. I'd been told that XW was joining Match and there she was in my matches.

I clicked the button to not see her again.

Still ... dealing with an emotion I can't really identify. Not pain. I can't describe it. My heart is racing a bit.

[mishka422]

Ugh. That's a bit of a stomach churner isn't it? Sorry.

I had that happen too, of course my xh was still 'hot and heavy' supposedly with his OW so it gave me a laugh at the same time.

Hope today is a better day for you buddy!

[whatisis]

CTH,a sure fire way of avoiding this in future is to change your search criteria, start looking for men!

[ClingingToHope]

Wii ... that is funny.

My brain has been churning about seeing XW as one of my matches last night, but after a lot of swimming I'm getting tired.

Let's see, in no particular order.

Seeing her on Match shows motorcycle guy was nothing or at least whatever it was is over.

She told the girls after we split that she'd never remarry and then that she'd never even date. Now she's on a dating site. So loneliness is setting in.

She's an extremely shy and withdrawn person -- or at least the person I met was -- and joining a dating site, putting your face out there for all to see was difficult to me and I'm someone who isn't easily embarrassed so it had to be hard for her.

And finally -- from the 1 percent of my heart that will never give up -- she won't realize what she gave up until she gets back out there so in that respect this is a positive.

And the final finally, the picture didn't look good. Of course, she's never taken particularly good pictures. She never mastered smiling on demand. My best pictures of her are reaction shots when she didn't know a picture was being taken. She doesn't do fake happy well.

I'm not sure why that last point jumps into my head. I looked at the picture she posted for about 15 seconds. I wondered, if I didn't know her, would I email her?

Had D8 go to a friend's house for the day. D12 had three friends over swimming. We are all tired now. Tomorrow is D8's birthday party. It is going to be a long, trying day. But it'll occupy my mind.

After this week, I don't have the girls for three weeks. I can catch up on work, meet with others about possible new careers and ... file for bankruptcy. I want that wrapped up by November. I want to be setting up all my finances for good by December and hit 2012 with a clean slate.

[ClingingToHope]

Rough night. Couldn't stop thinking about XW. D12 rode over there at 9 p.m. to see if she could stay there Saturday because she doesn't want to be here for D8's sleepover.

The house she was going to all of the kids have a nasty cold.

When she came back she said XW wasn't there and she wasn't answering her cell phone.

And I couldn't let it go.

I thought for a while when I would be able to let that go. Will I just wake up one day and not care? Or will I always care but just not think about it much?

I remember back in September or October of 2009 talking to a woman on the phone about divorce. I had to deal with her through work and she always seemed a little crazy.

She found out I was going through a divorce and gave me her story. She said finally, four years later, she feels normal.

That scared me. I told her I didn't want it to take four years. Now, it's two years three months since the separation and six weeks since the D became final.

I wonder which clock I'm working on. The split clock or the D clock?

[kat727]

Someone was listening. Nice.

Kat

[ClingingToHope]

GM ... For some reason XW has been on my mind all week. I think part of it is all the vacation time. I get pretty keyed up for these weeks off with the girls. I've always tried to make summers as much fun as I could for them because you only get to enjoy your children's childhood once.

But then it comes and there's lots of mentions of XW, lots of reminders either from stuff you did in the past or things they've enjoyed without you.

So it's a tough balancing act. I really look forward to these weeks alone with the girls and then it emotionally wears me out.

Of course, I'm still too sensitive as well and the 1 percent of my heart that won't let go plays a part as well.

Today was just a roller coaster.

Birthday party went great ... but now it's over and there was a little bit of a letdown.

D12 skipped it. She stayed at XW's rather than hang out with D8's friends.

I texted D12 to see if she'd make it over in time to go to church. She said no, she wanted to help XW paint the house.

We go to church. It's week four of a five-week series in how to stay in love. I've been ambivalent about it because whatever I learn is going to feel like its too late. Today, was perfect example. The teaching was about how in any marriage there is a big gap between "expectations" and "behavior." You can choose how to react when the spouse disappoints you. You can "believe the best" or "assume the worst."

I have to admit, as the years went on, more and more I assumed the worst. And I'm sure XW knew that.

I was so pumped by the revelation -- the teaching is by Andy Stanley, you should look him up -- that I was crazily thinking about buying the CD, mailing it to XW with a letter simply saying "I'm sorry."

After getting home, D12 finally came back over and she told me about all the people helping XW paint the house so it can be sold. It included one of her coworkers who I really liked and .... I was just crushed.

The 1 percenter again. I have this fantasy that a group of people around XW will tell her what a big mistake she made.

It took me a few hours to snap out of it. I really felt down.

D12 noticed and we talked over a few things. By the end of the night, the three of us were doing very well. I won't see them much over the next three weeks and then I have one final week of vacation with them.

Tomorrow? Back to work and I have a full schedule so my brain is going to be occupied and I'll continue to tick off the days and someday something great is going to happen to me.

[whatisis]

You're grieving, CTH. The D was final not too long ago and you're now having some reaction. That's OK. Allow it and then let it go.
Btw, Andy Stanley is great!

[Golfgirl1]

YOU make that something great happen. YOU give to yourself what you need. YOU validate, self-soothe and love yourself like no one else can.

I don't think you're in any kind of place to even think about dating. Be selfish and take this time for you. It's okay to grieve and if you don't now it will come up in a future relationship.