Back and Ashamed....

[Bling Bling]

So much to vent about… Yesterday was pretty awful. Please excuse me as I ramble on and just let it all go. I’m trying to look for the positive. So I guess I’ll start there.

1) Deleted everything I can think of that would cause me to slip or cause her pain. Deleted all old emails, facebook account, cell phone contacts, etc. I can’t even think of where else to look. It feels like taking the alcoholic out of the bar approach. I don’t want anything around me that I can slip back into.
2) Started reading a codependency book that she’s been trying to get me to read since she started working on herself. The sad part is it’s all so clear now. She was trying and I was still slipping.
3) Did a lot of crying… Just letting go. Admitting to myself I have a problem. It doesn’t seem like much but it was a big step for me. I hated myself and that’s why I constantly was looking for someone to tell me I’m worth it. I put on such a strong face. Its sad really. But that stops now.

Now our interactions yesterday. In the early morning she called and told me how much she hated me and wanted me to die etc. Wanting to know everything. I wasn’t ready yet. I didn’t know if it would be right to tell her. So I kept walls up. The same lies, twisting of words I’ve always done. A lot of screaming by her. And trying to tell me I love the OW and she means so much to me and how I’m going to just go call her right after. Saying I’ll be with her tonight. Etc. I stopped trying to tell her why I thought I did it. What I wasn’t getting from her. Etc. I just listened and absorbed the pain. I’m different than her that I need to talk to someone when I’m happy, sad, etc. So had talked a friend of ours. That made her mad because she thinks they will judge her and think she’s so stupid. I said that’s not what friends do. But I know she’s ashamed and I told her, that I’m the one that is ashamed. She has no reason to be. It’s my fault. The call ends with more spewing of venom and me absorbing it…

Then I got home after a “wonderful” day at work…. Yeah right. Took some time to decompress. I try to call her (knowing I shouldn’t) and she doesn’t answer. I leave a quick voicemail. Just saying I’m sorry and I’m here to talk if she wants. She replies with a “Don’t cry to me when you are the one who made the conscious choice to cheat on me repeatedly. Don’t call me again don’t text me.” I deserve this I know.

So that’s when I start reading. And completely breaking down. Just letting it all go. I’ve lived with these little lies my whole life. I’m done. Never again. I lie to myself, I lie to her, I lie to family and friends. They aren’t major lies but they add up. I just can’t carry them anymore. I wish I would’ve realized it sooner but I can’t change the past. I can only change the future. It really has been a burden off my shoulders. It’s hard to explain but I physically felt lighter. I’m not carrying the lies any more EVER! What ever happens, happens. I’m willing to fight but I can’t control it. I can only control me and my actions.

Then at about 10:30 she calls me. Screaming about how I’m with OW right now, physically, mentally or texting, etc. I said no. I haven’t talked to her since I told W I stopped talking to her. W said she had it in black and white. W says she’s looking at the phone bill and can see I’m still texting her, even after we talked last. I said no. I honestly haven’t. She blows up about how I’m not a big enough man to admit it. So I don’t know if there is a delay in the postings of texts on the phone bill or if she’s looking at the right number or what. I had only text two people yesterday. Both were guy friends just to talk. I ask her to please call Verizon. W says the bill is right because our text times match exactly. I said maybe it’s different with different carries, etc. The conversation goes back to where it was this morning. Yelling, screaming, accusing me of being in love, being with her, how much I hurt her, what she wasn’t giving me, it’s her fault, etc. I listen. She then asks me to tell her everything. I said what do you want to know. She asked specifics. I told her everything. I was done lying. I’m not carrying it anymore. I told her the details she wanted. Some she wouldn’t believe but I can’t control that. I truly let go for the first time since we have been together. GOD I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT DOING IT SOONER!!!!!! I don’t know where it started or how it got to where it was but it’s done. And it feels so much better. I’m sooooo sick.

Anyway, the conversation continues. Every now and then her telling me how she has no feelings left for me and there will never be an us again. More venting. And then we lose connection. I freak out. I don’t know if she is hurting herself because she was talking about how she doesn’t know how she can even wake up tomorrow to go on. She won’t answer my calls. I finally text and say I’m calling 911 if you don’t call me back. She calls me back and calming says she lost connection at the cabin. She didn’t even know we weren’t connected. Our conversation continues in a much lighter mood. We lose connection a second time. She calls me back. Then we lose it a third. She calls back and in a calm voice. She didn’t talk about us or how she hated me. She talked about how the dogs were doing and how they know she’s sad. And we had a light conversation about that. I think we both just spent but it gave me hope. I don’t know if I should think that but if she hated me and had no feelings for me why would she want to tell me that stuff. We lose connection again. She texts back “I am losing service. And going to bed.” I wanted so badly to text Ok I love you and the dogs. But I knew that wouldn’t work. So I just said, “Ok. Thank you for telling me.” The end.

What a day… Sorry it’s so long. I just had to let it go. It’s probably all over the place and people can’t follow (or want to spend an hour reading it . Oh well. If you get through it. I’d love to hear peoples thoughts. Thanks.