Reconstructing the LBS

[Truegritter]

I cannot dwell on the loss I feel or swell with anger over her abandonment of our relationship and still heal.

No you can't.

This is a process.

And it has been compared to the stages of acceptance of death.

This is one person's take on it. This was posted by LostforWords:

Denial - Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst.

Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!

Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through. So many get stuck in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.

Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.

Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.

Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.

Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.

Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.

Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.

Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.


The thing is

It isn't linear. You can circle back on stages and recycle through them.

Also you really don't know what stage your in until you have been through it.

So I would caution using this as a playbook.

It happens for you when you are ready for it to happen.

I have always said it is the pain that is the catalyst. It motivates you to change, to move forward.

so pay attention to it.

[wawinla]

TG:

Thanks for doing this...it's very helpful to see what needs to be done so succinctly stated.

What I wrestle with is letting go of my M. I'm slowly moving through the phases (experienced with them as my father died a few years back), but haven't been able to bridge how my GAL and self-growth fit with possible recon. I know the M was not good for either of us, but it's a shame that there is no opportunity to try again with this new "lease on life".

I guess it's not true acceptance until then.

[Queen_of_Swords]

WAWinLa
If you are at all interested,I just finished the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing."by Susan Anderson.

I found there is a lot of help and understanding about why we hang on from a biological and psychological perspective as well as exercises to help us move past the abandonment and do the work of healing ourselves.

I recommend it highly.

[wawinla]

SC:

Thanks for the recommendation...I'll look Anderson's book!

Appreciate the support!

[♪CS♪]

Then you will know the freedom and peace that comes from knowing that NO ONE can ever take that away from you.

Right here. So huge.

This realization let's so many other things fall into place. It let's you drop the fear, the anxiety, and the constant need to try and change the situation.

It allows you to find your strength again.

[Truegritter]

Country

This whole thread was my thoughts for you.

I know what you have had to realize lately.

It is tough but this thing makes us better or makes us worse.

You are here so you are committed to making it better.

Yes?

You saw here what I hoped you would see in where you are.

Also, instead of just speaking to you directly as I originally intended...

I wanted others to see and feel free to speak here.

It is no exageration when I say this

This thing can break you or MAKE you.

See where you are today as when you came.

There is your peace. There is your proof.

[♪CS♪]

I appreciate it TG.

You will only get this awareness after standing through much pain

Unfortunately, this statement is also truth.

The pain is caused by the resistance. If we "agreed" with the events in our lives we are dealing with, if we saw them as "good," we would not resist them, and there would be no pain.

I think for all of us, at some point, we simply get sick of the pain.

Why? We finally ask?

The realization is, it is not the actions of another person that is causing our pain, but our resistance to it.

Accept what is, and the pain begins to die.

There is a spiritual saying "die before you die."

The way I read this, is death, is our consciousness shedding itself of the mind, body, and all earthly possessions.

By detaching ourselves from those things before our physical body actually dies, by realizing our "self" is a consciousness separate from them, we are able to "die before we die." The ironic result, is it allows you to fully live.

I think there is a DB equivalent. I'll call it "divorce before you divorce."

Now this may sound like I am saying to "give up." Or that divorce is inescapable. Not at all.

I am saying accept what is, at this moment.

Shed yourself of your attachment with the event, and realize your "self" is not dependent on your M or your S. Your happiness is not dependent on your M or your S.

This thing can break you or MAKE you.

See where you are today as when you came.

There is your peace. There is your proof.

Truth

[Truegritter]

Shed yourself of your attachment with the event, and realize your "self" is not dependent on your M or your S. Your happiness is not dependent on your M or your S.

And THAT is the process we go through here.

Great post Country.

[PEI]

Fantastic post Country!

Oh yeah, and you too Grit

PEI

[♪CS♪]

Thanks PEI, wish I could claim any of it as an original thought, but...

I have received a lot of good advice and have luckily found a lot of really good books.

Then of course nothing can replace a couple good kicks to the nuts.

I didn't know where to post this, so TG, hope you don't mind. I thought this might be a good place for general thoughts that may help some.

And Bworl, hope you don't mind me bringing this over hear. Just thought it was worth sharing.

Bworl posted this recently in MLC and I thought it should be passed along here. BTW Bworl, this was a great post.

One of the things I've learned with time is that the overwhelming "love" we feel for a wandering spouse, especially at the beginning when the bomb is first launched, is often more FEAR than LOVE.


When you have been in a committed relationship for sometime, one that you thought was relatively secure, and then suddenly find that your spouse wants out...well, that brings an emmense amount of fear into our lives.


In an effort to pull them back in, we convince ourselves that we were madly and truly in love with them.


Gosh, if we were really that madly and truly in love with them, we likely would have never got to the point that they wanted to leave, eh?


That fear/love makes the intial stages of DB'ing incredibly difficult. I see it in thread after thread, especially in Newcomer's. Fear drives us to focus on the spouse, instead of ourselves. Fear drives us to clingy, needy behaviors that only reinforce our spouse's desire to leave. Fear makes us angry and vindictive, and that comes out usually at the worst possible times.


You can almost always tell when someone has finally conquered that fear. Almost overnight you see them lighten up and remove the direct and indirect pressure they were always trying to place on their spouse. Their outlook changes and suddenly things are managable, because they have finally realized that LIFE GOES ON.

This whole post is fantastic, but the first point, I hope for more to understand.

One of the things I've learned with time is that the overwhelming "love" we feel for a wandering spouse, especially at the beginning when the bomb is first launched, is often more FEAR than LOVE.

I post this so hopefully more people might see this in themselves.

If you can really step back, and look at things, what is motivating you?

If it IS fear.

Has fear ever helped you perform better?

Or is it when that fear is conquered that you perform your best?

Peace.