Frustrated with W not admitting OM

[Grocerykartman]

1) W hasn’t disclosed anything, but I can’t approach her with what I know, so I pretend not to know. Is there anything I can do to encourage W to be straightforward? Attempting to talk about us won’t work… W would consider that nagging, so I leave it alone. The clock is ticking, and I’m not sure whose side time favors.

There's nothing you can DO to stop her behavior. She has to make decisions for herself, she's an adult. You are correct, she will not disclose her behavior for the reasons you stated, either to spare you the details or so as not to suffer the consequences. Either way, you can't really enocurage her to be straightforward. If she wanted to be straightforward, she would have been. Straightforwardness that is coaxed by you rings hollow, if you ask me.

Taking it a step further, are you sure you want to know the details? If so, why?

In my opinion, now is actually the time to quit spying or gathering intelligence on her. You already know she is up to no good. I don't think you want to run the risk of letting your imagination get the best of you, and it can based on what you uncover when you spy. Mine did. Because after months and months of checking up on her, my mind dreamed up all these terrible scenarios of what my WAW was doing with OM, based on few, yet incriminating details. Made it very hard for me to ever think I could trust her again-that's why I think gathering intelligence backfires on YOU. At first glance into your situation, I think you need to chnage your persepctive to "ignorance is bliss."

(2) Their relationship is at the five month mark (six months is supposedly the average max), but it seems to be going strong. FYI, OM is 14 years younger than W. What’s the possibility/probability this could be more serious than just an affair?

She is having it both ways right now, as she gets to enjoy the confort of her home and the "excitement" of OM while you're not there. Disgusting. I suspect it's easier for these things to fizzle out when she actually is more heavily involved with the OM, like when they actually get close enough to have major fights of their own. If she's coming home to you every night, they probably never spend enough time together to get close enough to find out why their relationship wouldn't work out.

Not sure about the utility bills though. Sounds like she is just being taken advantage of. What do you think about this issue, specifically?

3) Page 216 of DR suggests finding out what OM offers that I don’t. How would I go about obtaining that info? Since W isn’t telling me of OM, you can’t possibly be suggesting I casually contact OM…that would be risky.

No, I don't think that suggests you contact OM. What that means is, be subtle and listen very well to her when you are having a conversation with her. Now, I don't personally believe in dignifying the other man's existance by talking about him. But if you do, or even if he never comes up, I think it means you should try to ascertain what makes her happy that you were not providing. But the key is, even if you find out, and you think you can improve, you have to improve for YOU, not for her.

Forget risky-I really do believe you shouldn't even dignify the other man's existence by so much as acknowledging him.

[=caughtoffguard] (4) Blood is thicker than water. I’m sure W told her family of her unhappiness. I wouldn’t think she’s told them of OM. What are the chances I can seek their advice on how to win her heart again? More importantly, can I do it without them circling back to her only to backfire on me? [/quote]

Don't even THINK about it.

That may be the single worst thing you can do if you want to DB. When it all started to go down in my situation, I spilled the beans to some very good friends of mine, (who were friends that my WAW had only met a handful of times.) Yet, immediately, I felt like garbage and that that was a mistake. Because I realized that if things were to work out, they would never be able to look at her the same again, she would never be able to look at them the same again, and I would be uncomfortable anytime we would all meet together for a party or cookout or anything.

I thank God to this day that about the only exposure I ever did regarding her was to them, and not her family or my family or our closer friends. What if things could get better between you and her, but things are majorly strained and uncomfortable every time you'd be around her family. Not a chance that is worth taking. DON'T DO IT!

I wish you well.