Hey Guys! **I originally posted this in "Piecing", but I thought I would move to newcomers to try and get some different perspectives***
This is going to be really long, so please bear with me....
It's been a long time since I posted, but my H decided that he wanted to come back home. I told him that it had been almost a year since he had been trying to decide whether he wanted me or the OW and that it was time for him to decide where he wanted to be. I told him that I would give him a week to decide what he would like to do. He was very receptive to that and the conversation went really well. He had pretty much been living here for the last month anyway. After the week was up, he said that he would like to give it a shot and that he would like for us to be "married" again.
However, it started to go wrong right from the beginning. We have tried to have R talks and he just says that he felt like he was a great H until last July and that all of our marital problems were my fault. I let that comment go and just tried to focus on doing what we needed to do to work on our marriage. He asked me what I needed from him and I said "I need you to cut all contact with OW(he was still talking to her via text) and he said that he would do that. She emailed him this long gushy email declaring her undying love and how people did not change..yada yada. He didn't email her back and I thought that he was really serious, but then he and my D went to the beach with the family and he replied to the email. He told her that he loved her more than anything and that he had to come back here because of our D, but that he would never love another the way that he loved her and all of that kind of thing. I called him out on the email and he gave me a tale about it being "closure." I've told him that if he loves her that much then he needs to be with her because obviously he doesn't love me that way. He still insists that he wants us to work out our problems because he thinks we can work it out versus him trying to be with her and work things out with our D who was VERY angry with him.
On one hand, I'm glad that he wanted to come back to work on things because our D was having a VERY difficult time, but on the other hand I don't want to be with a husband who's heart is somewhere else. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again because I don't trust that he loves me. Are we doomed??? Do I have to swallow all of my needs in order to make our marriage work? Do I pretend that I feel completely secure in him? Because I don't feel secure AT ALL. I think he's just hanging out here because it's the easier of the two options and I feel like I'm just the best he could do under the circumstances.
I know this was LONG, but I desperately need HELP. Am I selling myself short by trying to work out a marriage to a man who is obviously head-over-heels in love with another woman? My other question is, if he were so in love with her why did he spend most of his time here? I need some guidance...will someone please give me some ideas? Do I go back to GALing and all of the other DB stuff that I was doing before he came back or what?
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
emailing my former affair partner and telling her I love her more than anything or anyone in the world...
That is NOT closure...
That is called making a decision.
I'm sure others will disagree with me. And I haven't gone back to read your story like I probably should have. But honestly?
I would have told my spouse to leave under the circumstances you described. I would have told her that when and if she gets done playing with other people, she would know where to find me...assuming I'm still there of course.
What a phallus head...
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks for the reply! That is EXACTLY what I told him. I told him that I wanted him to go back to his sister's and be with the OW if he loved her so much. He said "I think we have a better shot of making this work than the other way around (meaning trying to have a relationship with OW and not making our D angry again). I told him that he is choosing our life because it's easier.
I'm just at a crossroads...I really don't know what to do. I think I made a REALLY big mistake letting him live here again even though he said that he wanted to be with me, because now if I make him leave again then my D is going to be doubly hurt...UGH!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
I think the general consensus around here is that blatant affairs, either EA's or PA's, are not to be tolerated. Nothing will happen as long as your H is still gaga over the OW.
It's your time now. Let him wander around in the dark all by himself.
"Don't let the door hit you in the a** on your way out, honey."
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
You guys are Awesome! Thanks so much! I feel the same way, but anytime I say anything about it, he just rolls his eyes and says "whatever". He thinks that as long as he doesn't see her or talk to her then he has done his job. The problem is that they work for the same company (not the same building though) and they have to interact occasionally.
Can anyone give me some suggestions on talking to him about this so that he hears that I'm serious and that it's either complete devotion or he can hit the door???
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Tell him you're worth more than being someone's second choice. Maybe eventually he'll realize that you *are*!
Then, maybe he will have the ability to truly commit to restoring your relationship.
Sounds like he has been suffering ano-cephalic transposition (I work in healthcare, what can I say?), and a large dose of consequences might result in an extraction of his head from the place where it seems to have been lodged.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
Alright, I got my impetuous reply out earlier, so now let me try to be a bit more contemplative.
By all accounts, it is difficult to emotionally end a relationship from an affair. And because it included feelings of "love," your husband will indeed need to slowly but surely come "out" of love with this person.
That will require what I can only believe would be hellishly huge strength on your part, but I do believe that you must be prepared to make that effort to rebuild your marriage.
Your husband does however need a reality check on the load that he is expecting YOU to bear. And somehow YOU will have to deliver that reality check.
After an affair, and the breech of trust, he is going to have to find patience with your desire to KNOW FOR SURE. You absolutely should be able to expect FULL disclosure and OPENNESS in any areas that could have (and maybe WERE) used to decieve you.
He may not like it, but it's the LEAST he can do.
Now, that comes with conditions on YOUR part too. You don't get to lord this transparency over him, and you don't get to wield power over his life. You have to handle this with integrity, honesty, respect, and compassion.
I think it's ok to tell him there are things that will be difficult for you to hear, and maybe you would ask that he not verbalize them to you unless he feels he just must. I know you don't want to hear that he loves her, that he misses her, etc. KNOW THIS, he may FEEL that way. But that doesn't mean he needs to throw it in your lap. Maybe the two of you could devise a code word or something that lets you know he's in that KIND of funk, and you can leave him alone.
So...maybe this doesn't have to be done. Maybe there's more to the story. I sure think you deserve to know.
And I think he would deserve to know that the next time he speaks to you as though he's OBLIGATED or you're the NEXT BEST alternative...he's moved a heck of alot closer to the curb.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
