Alright, I got my impetuous reply out earlier, so now let me try to be a bit more contemplative.
By all accounts, it is difficult to emotionally end a relationship from an affair. And because it included feelings of "love," your husband will indeed need to slowly but surely come "out" of love with this person.
That will require what I can only believe would be hellishly huge strength on your part, but I do believe that you must be prepared to make that effort to rebuild your marriage.
Your husband does however need a reality check on the load that he is expecting YOU to bear. And somehow YOU will have to deliver that reality check.
After an affair, and the breech of trust, he is going to have to find patience with your desire to KNOW FOR SURE. You absolutely should be able to expect FULL disclosure and OPENNESS in any areas that could have (and maybe WERE) used to decieve you.
He may not like it, but it's the LEAST he can do.
Now, that comes with conditions on YOUR part too. You don't get to lord this transparency over him, and you don't get to wield power over his life. You have to handle this with integrity, honesty, respect, and compassion.
I think it's ok to tell him there are things that will be difficult for you to hear, and maybe you would ask that he not verbalize them to you unless he feels he just must. I know you don't want to hear that he loves her, that he misses her, etc. KNOW THIS, he may FEEL that way. But that doesn't mean he needs to throw it in your lap. Maybe the two of you could devise a code word or something that lets you know he's in that KIND of funk, and you can leave him alone.
So...maybe this doesn't have to be done. Maybe there's more to the story. I sure think you deserve to know.
And I think he would deserve to know that the next time he speaks to you as though he's OBLIGATED or you're the NEXT BEST alternative...he's moved a heck of alot closer to the curb.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
