I have read that during the crisis they become the opposite of what they were.
During the crisis as in 'temporary' Or, more like they become this way...during the crisis...and end up permanently this way? I'd hate to think she is going to be this messy person forever...
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At the same time, as an LBS, I have read that the you will become the opposite of what you were through your journey as well.
Same question as above. In my mind, if the MLC spouses' 'changes' [for the worse] are temporary, and the LBS spouses' changes [for the better] are permanent, that's definitely a good thing. However, I'm scratching my here wondering, what's the guarantee that the good changes are permanent, but the bad changes are not? I guess there is none. I guess it's all a crap shoot in some ways. All I know for sure (at least at this moment in time) is that I really like the person I am becoming and hope I stay that way. My dear wife has never really the ability nor desire to engage in self-reflection. She's a conflict avoider. I hope that someday soon she finds the strength to overcome...well, to overcome her own ego I suppose. She's not just fighting to conquer demons. She's fighting to conquer herself, or at least the person she thought she was. Can't be easy...
It is now literally four weeks away from when my wife can legally file for divorce...but she has made zero mention of it during the last 6 or 7 months. Hasn't even uttered the word in my presence.
This ^^^^ sounds like a man that is afraid of divorce. So if this is indeed the case, what are you afraid of?
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On the contrary, some of her 'actions' during the last few weeks definitely seem more positive than negative. But, positive in what way, i have no clue.
Mental….let me as you a question. What DO YOU NEED to see to know that YOUR W is having a change of heart? What does that look like to YOU?
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About a month ago she approached me about enrolling our daughter in a pre-school type of exercise class. We took her to a trial class about a week or so ago. While we were there she had me fill out the enrollment forms for the class, and sign the papers as her 'husband.' In my brain I'm thinking, "What the hell just happened here?!?!?!" Then, as we were leaving the place, we walk right by a State Farm insurance office, which happens to be the office of the guy who sold us our homeowners insurance policy. As we're passing the office she points and says, "Oh look. That's the office of the guy who sold us our insurance policy for our house.
1) You are married so filling out forms you should have put yourself down as her husband. 2) MLC = confusion 3) FTR, my wife had a discussion with me about…. a. Adding me to her life insurance policy b. Remodeling the bathroom c. A plan to pay down debt Then about a month later she filed!
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Is it typical for the MLC spouse to become a messy person during/throughout their crisis?
That was my experience. My W stop cleaning or doing much of anything. Hey Mental do you agree that your W is in a crisis and that in some cases they revert back to “teenage” type behaviors? If so, then ask yourself…as a teenager did you clean your room?
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During the crisis as in 'temporary' Or, more like they become this way...during the crisis...and end up permanently this way? I'd hate to think she is going to be this messy person forever...
Can you or I control what type of person she ends up becoming? Hmmm…if she is going to be messy does that mean that you are no longer going to stand? Mental – I have to say that everytime you post it is about HER. It is about what she is doing? It is about what she may be doing, thinking, feeling. It is about if she uses charmin what can that mean. IMO, you are still so focused on HER. Now I may be wrong and maybe it is just that you do not post about things going on in YOUR life – only you know the answer to this. I guess my only point is that the more you continue to look at her every action, every word the more you take away energy from living your life. So Mental, what are your dreams – what things to you want in YOUR life – regardless of if she comes back?
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I supposed I did. Man, I must be getting good at this MLC stuff! Ha, ha...
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This ^^^^ sounds like a man that is afraid of divorce. So if this is indeed the case, what are you afraid of?
No sir. This is indeed not the case. Just venting/wondering about where her heart lies at this moment in time.
Question. I've read a lot of people on this and other MLC sites make reference to the "shark eyes"...but primarily in reference to women. Do guys in crisis get the shark eyes as well?
I supposed I did. Man, I must be getting good at this MLC stuff! Ha, ha...
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This ^^^^ sounds like a man that is afraid of divorce. So if this is indeed the case, what are you afraid of?
No sir. This is indeed not the case. Just venting/wondering about where her heart lies at this moment in time.
Question. I've read a lot of people on this and other MLC sites make reference to the "shark eyes"...but primarily in reference to women. Do guys in crisis get the shark eyes as well?
Shark eyes. Men have this too, yes they do. It's that flat dead look in their eye. No pupil dialation when they look at you, just lifeless, like the sparkle is gone. Hurts to see it in my H's eyes.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Wow. It's been over a month since I've posted here. Time flies when you're living life!
I wanted to share a few recent developments that I am hoping some folks here can help provide some perspective on what direction this whole rollercoaster ride might be headed. I'll try and keep this somewhat brief.
If anyone here remembers, my wife moved out [by her own choice] over a year ago, and has been living in a one-bedroom apartment with our daughter ever since. As we all know, now is tax time. Welllll, since I stayed in the family home, and have been paying mortgage/property taxes as an individual/head of household w/dependent (our son), it turns out I will receive a very healthy tax refund. On the flip side, my wife will end up owing Uncle Sam a substantial amount in taxes. To put it blunt, reality, well, the financial part anyways, just up and smacked her in the face. I've been struggling to keep afloat financially throughout the last year. Long story short, my wife needs turned to me for help to pay off her tax bill.
I'm sure there will be varying opinions here as to whether or not I should help her. I've already agreed to help her because:
* She's still my wife * It's who I am * Plain and simple, she needs help
In any case, I guess I just wanted to share this first to kind of set the context for other things that I've noticed over the last couple of months or so. Another surprising development is that my wife approached me recently about enrolling our daughter in a Christian school. I don't know if anyone recalls, but I believe I posted back around Christmas that my wife took our daughter to Catholic Mass on Christmas Eve while my son and I were on a ski trip. (I asked her numerous times, she didn't want to go on the trip...) Anyhow, that really surprised me because my wife has NEVER been religious person AT ALL. At the very least, that experience told me she is/was still struggling very deeply with the confusion/depression. Fast forward to the present. Now, she wants to enroll our daughter in a Christian school. This is equally, if not more, surprising. To put this in better context, as some here may remember, my wife grew up in China, completely without religion [Western or otherwise] in her life. When we married she agreed to become Baptized into the Catholic Church. But, I believe it was more to please me than anything else since, aside from our wedding day and X-Mas Eve 2010, she has never attended Church! Now, we are about to enroll our daughter in a Christian school where the teacher teach the children to memorize Bible verses, and she is okay with that. To paraphrase her recent words, "That's fine for me. Probably she can learn something..." For me, it's like "Whoa!!!!! What Parallel Universe have I just entered??!!" Finally, in other smaller news, when we visited one school recently I had called her on the way to the school because I had gotten lost (she was already there waiting for me...). While I waited on the phone for her to ask an administrator for directions, I here her tell the lady, "My husband is lost. Can you help him get to the school?" This was pretty surprising to me because she typically [well, during the last 9-10 months or so anyways] refers to me by name or 'him' when referring me to other people.
So, no, she hasn't apologized, tried to make amends, expressed remorse, or any of that yet. But, her actions [continue to] suggest that she is moving in a positive direction. Of course, at least that's what I hope. During the last couple of months she has begun to talk in the future tense a lot more, and with an emphasis on "We" and "Us" instead of her 'MLC typical' reponse of "I" or "Me, Me, Me!!!"
Any opinions??? Thanks for taking the time to read... :o)
1) The one year mark came and went with (so far) no attempt on her part to file for divorce. She could legally have done so a few weeks ago.
2) To put #1 above in context, when we discussed her tax problems at one point she [meekly] mentioned that, "Hey, maybe it would be better if we did something about this so we don't have to deal with these tax problems next year." My response was, "I still love you. My position hasn't changed. If that's something you want, it is entirely depends on your choice and actions. But, I want no part of it." After some time passes, she replies with, "I don't know. Maybe I'll just change my tax with-holding so at least I can break even."
3) To put #1 AND #2 in context, when I told her I still love her, etc... I also VERY bluntly told her that is completely free to choose her own path in life, but that I will NOT allow that idiot in China [her EA partner, the guy I call DJ] to have anything to do with either of our children's lives. Her reply was, "That sound like a threat." I replied back, "It's not to you Kitty. I love you. But, if you still talk to him, you can tell him to stay the hell away from both of our kids. If you consider that a threat to him, then so be it."
Fast forward a few weeks and we're enrolling our daughter in a Christian school, and she's calling me 'husband' on the phone...
There's one more thing I forgot to ask about yesterday. In a previous post somewhere on this thread I asked about the 'shark eyes.'
For a long period of time I have seen the shark eyes pretty consistently with my wife. These days I still see the shark eyes from time to time, but definitely not as often as before. I guess I'm just wondering why I seem to see 'them' less often these days.
