To be honest...I think I try to meet his because I want us to come out shining on the other side because of our D and because I have loved him half of my life, BUT...
I have finally come to the realization in my head that I can't do it at any cost any more. I do have "needs" and they are just as important as his and my Ds. For along time I pretended that my needs did not matter and I am just not pretending anymore!!!
I really appreciate your insight Jack...it's helpful!~
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Any suggestions on how to start this convo so that he'll actually HEAR me? I've tried to have conversations before and he will "listen" and then it all goes back to the way it has been. I'm guessing that I'm handling it all wrong....
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
There might be another option...well there are always other options. They might be another option I'd recommend.
Take a look at the post titled:
Piecing and Happy or Struggling
See if this is soemthing that sounds interesting to you. Figure out if your H is capable or willing to try this.
KLA = Keeping Love Alive
It's a program me and my wife listen to once a year. We started well after we were piecing, but I could see how it might have helped us sooner as well.
Up to you.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
The hardest thing in DBing is getting great progress, but it still doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like enough--especially for a woman--and having serious 'obstacles' like someone else trying to stop you from having your happily ever after. It's harder than saying, cross the line here, and you're done.
But expecting total immediate change immediately isn't realistic 100%. There is a point where it is realistic for you to want and 'expect' him not to be involved with her again. For you to not expect him to be human and fail ever, may not realistic, and when you may be near to a complete reconciliation, HOW you handle this is crucial because YOU DO play a part in these interactions.
Quote:
"I need you to cut all contact with OW(he was still talking to her via text) and he said that he would do that.
This was good
Quote:
I called him out on the email and he gave me a tale about it being "closure."
This was not a good 'excuse' on his part but more part of his confusion, hurt and grief. It's not 'ok' but it's not unforgivable, it is understandable, and you can get past it. You have every right to be hurt, angry and reactive. It won't get you what you want, and as fast as you want it.
The following article gives you a way of looking at the situation (although the examples in the article may seem more trivial than what you are living with). If you look at it as your husband loves you but has a bit of an illness, and he needs to heal, you would have a much different reaction than if you assume he's a jerk in love with another woman. You will react per each perspective you put in your mind. Actively choose the positive perspective and don't let anyone sway you if you want to heal this.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again because I don't trust that he loves me. Are we doomed??? Do I have to swallow all of my needs in order to make our marriage work? Do I pretend that I feel completely secure in him? Because I don't feel secure AT ALL. I think he's just hanging out here because it's the easier of the two options and I feel like I'm just the best he could do under the circumstances.
If you think you can--you will. And if you decide you can't -- you won't. It's up to you. What's your goal?
Quote:
Thanks Jack!!
Any suggestions on how to start this convo so that he'll actually HEAR me? I've tried to have conversations before and he will "listen" and then it all goes back to the way it has been. I'm guessing that I'm handling it all wrong....
In KLA we will help you learn to have these conversations. I'd encourage you to get the materials, it's only $25. You can go through it with us whether you have them or not, but Michele's examples are incredibly helpful. And you get to hear both partner's examples.
It may be great for your H to agree to do this with you.
(I don't make commission or get paid, I just believe in it because I KNOW it's life changing because it has changed my life and continues to make it better.)
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
One thing that will most likely be very helpful in the healing after his infidelity is setting limits on the R discussions. Once or twice a week, you get 20 minutes to talk. Something like that, and he has to hear you and reassure you. You don't demean him, or tear him down, you just tell him your feelings and what you need reassurance on. Then you give him a break. Your D can only take so much of this stress as well.
He may have something to say to you, too, about improvements he needs from YOU. Really listen. You have a right to not do it, get angry, say forget it. It won't get you what you want. Making him happy doesn't make him a 'cakeeater', he is going to have to do work too. He might be more motivated and grieve less if he is growing happier with you.
When you talk to your friends or even folks on the board, they will want to side with you and make you feel better. They might do that so much, they might discourage you from the things you can do to build your warm, loving family. Don't let them.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thanks for the reply!! I have asked him to send the OW a no-contact letter and he will not do it. He says our problem is that I expect to much from him. I just don't see it as expecting to much for him to tell the OW that he is completely finished with their relationship...
It's not -- it's completely reasonable, based on his past infidelity and deceit, and with this very same woman to boot.
The key is for you to make this about YOU and not about HIM. It's not "You need to end all contact," it's "In order for me to accept you back, you need to understand that I CANNOT LIVE IN A MARRIAGE WHERE MY HUSBAND IS STILL IN CONTACT WITH A WOMAN WITH WHOM HE HAD AN AFFAIR. That doesn't work for me."
See the difference?
Try to find the old threads and posts by a poster named pearlharbor. In her case, it was a long-term boyfriend and not her husband, but she was very good at this. She would say "Look, this is what I need in a boyfriend; whether or not YOU think you can BE that, that's completely up to you, but this is what I need." -- and then she'd completely detach.
SG is right -- it's going to take a long time for your husband's feelings to return; he can't just "flip the switch" overnight. But the distinction you need to make with him is, that's AFTER he ends all contact with OW. That IS a decision, and a "switch" that he can CHOOSE to flip (or not). If he does decide to end all contact with her, he CAN, slowly over time, get "those" feelings back for you. If he DOESN'T end all contact, then it's pretty much impossible (unless OW does something on her end to implode the relationship, and even then it's common for your husband to do the "pining" thing and still have feelings for her).
You needn't apologize for feeling what you feel, nor needing what you need. And it's only FAIR to let your husband know what those things are that you need. Whether or not he can MEET them, is entirely up to him.
Thanks for the reply!! I have asked him to send the OW a no-contact letter and he will not do it. He says our problem is that I expect to much from him.
A: "Then I guess we both have some very important decisions to make." And end the conversation.
It's important that you don't try to SELL him on what your Boundaries of Personal Integrity are (such as "I cannot live in a marriage where my husband is still in contact with a woman with whom he's had an affair"). You may even want to say that: "Look, I'm not going to SELL you on this; you asked me what it would take for you to come back, and I'm telling you 'This is what I need in a husband. If you're saying you can't be that, then I thank you for being honest with me, and we both have some important decisions to make."
