I can take that punch!

[JustStunned]

Mk, I am in another camp about what a boundary is.

For me a boundary is set to protect me. I use an action, consequence formula, for instance in the past STBX would often verbally attempt to draw me into an angry exchange. She would poke the bear in the cage with a sharp stick.

Shortly after reading DR during one of these I told her I was not going to be drawn into an argument and if she could not be more considerate she could leave. She ceased the angry rhetoric and that convo continued. I have used the same boundary many times since. I do not respond to anger and provocation. I ignore, I walk away, I do not return the call.

Looking back at the last few years I have been able to see where she has used the same provocations drawing me into an angry exchange. Toward the time frame of the bomb this was done in front of family and used to justify her abandonment of the R. I will no longer permit myself to become vested in the anger and react in this manner.

I suppose this could be considered a personal boundary, but I prefer to think of it as one of my 180s. I would think of not being passive aggressive as a 180 in your case. How you get there, if you use a personal boundary or not is how you get there. IMO the end result is more important than the means in this case.

"Yup, i had my boundaries too and you crossed them multiple times when i told you to be happy with what you had. But you chose to just get depressed and radiated it out which affected our family. That is when i decided to file for D because you crossed my boundaries"

Did she ever tell you this was a boundary? Did she ever say be happy with what you have or I will D you? Boundaries must be clearly stated and understood, else they are not boundaries. JMO if they were not clearly set then they were justifications.

My W explanation of her boundary and her needing to file for D because i crossed it was correct, right?

Don’t permit her to lay all of this at your feet. It is not all your fault.
You own your part.

She owns hers.

Since you acknowledge and own your part you can change. He!! you have changed.

Dig in your brain for old stuff, learn from it, grow from it. When you can no longer do that, stop digging.

It is what reflection is for. It is what history is for.