"I really don't think it will make that much of a difference...you still will not trust me and you will still snoop"
Well, there is some truth to this. You shouldn't trust him, and you SHOULD snoop, at least for a while.
Confused, the onus (duty/responsibility) should be on him to prove himself to rebuilding trust.
Snooping?
Yes,
Trust, BUT; verify.
You should even tell him you are going to, and in time it will go away once you trust him again.
This is the part of DBing that is hard. Because now come the consequences of poor actions/choice by the spouse.
Quote:
He says our problem is that I expect to much from him
IF he wants to be married and work things out, he should be willing to jump through hoops for you, and you should be willing to make those hoops fewer and farther between as you begin to trust him until none exist at all if he lives up to them.
What you are describing is fraught with peril at cost to you.
Taking the wayward spouse back at any cost?
No boundaries?
An apology is great! But without penance on his part, knowing and wanting to win your trust back? I don't see his desire.
Now on your part.
You.
Have you forgiven him? Have you really? Do you bring up the past if you have? Cause that's not good. If you haven't forgiven him, don't tell him you have. Do not lie, be honest.
This is one sided, not defending him; only have your story.
Take a critical long look at yourself, is there any truth to what he says?
Address those issues...but hold him accountable.
HE wanted this, he should ALSO be working for it, maybe even dancing a jig while he does. But do not be cruel either.
If he cannot, he cannot, and there is your answer.
He shouldn't come back because its easier. You shouldn't let him back because it is easier. You'll be back here again if you do.
This is work, this is hard, and he doesn't seem to think it should be.
Too bad for him if he is not up to it. Oh...and YOU are NOT the bad guy if he cannot. It is simple HE broke trust and if he is unwilling to do what it takes to fix it, his LACK of Ability or Desire does not mean you are the bad person here...just the stronger person.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
