I can take that punch!

[jbnati]

"Yup, i had my boundaries too and you crossed them multiple times when i told you to be happy with what you had. But you chose to just get depressed and radiated it out which affected our family. That is when i decided to file for D because you crossed my boundaries"

How well did you listen to and validate this? IMO she gave you some valuable information.

But on a more serious note, on multiple occasions i told her that her not being able to reconcile with my family was eating me up inside. But she just kept saying as how i must just accept things as they are for now.

I don't think she wants to hear this. This sounds like an example of her complaint. Remember to be upbeat and positive around her. I'm sure it's likely the truth, but do you think she sees a strong and happy MK in this?

Just my 2 cents.

[~ kd ~]

Myk... she gave you a "reason"...

Don't own it... it's not yours...

So yes... this 2x4 brought to you by the number "stop analyzing her words" and the letter "believe none of what she says"...

[Redo]

How well did you listen to and validate this? IMO she gave you some valuable information.

Good point. I did agree that i could have done things differently.

I don't think she wants to hear this. This sounds like an example of her complaint. Remember to be upbeat and positive around her. I'm sure it's likely the truth, but do you think she sees a strong and happy MK in this?

Yea I agree that she does not. I guess my thinking was that i would never be okay if my family was mistreated. Then if i suppressed this, then it would become passive aggressive which is no good either. I guess i am trying to figure out how to handle these things in future.

See for a long time after the whole blow-up with my parents happened, i thought i could wipe it away from memory and just be happy with wife. But it never was 'okay' and i suppressed those emotions. I guess that is why things went downhill for me emotionally. Cannot repeat that mistake again.

Don't own it... it's not yours...

So yes... this 2x4 brought to you by the number "stop analyzing her words" and the letter "believe none of what she says"...

Gotta keep repeating that to myself

[JustStunned]

Mk, I am in another camp about what a boundary is.

For me a boundary is set to protect me. I use an action, consequence formula, for instance in the past STBX would often verbally attempt to draw me into an angry exchange. She would poke the bear in the cage with a sharp stick.

Shortly after reading DR during one of these I told her I was not going to be drawn into an argument and if she could not be more considerate she could leave. She ceased the angry rhetoric and that convo continued. I have used the same boundary many times since. I do not respond to anger and provocation. I ignore, I walk away, I do not return the call.

Looking back at the last few years I have been able to see where she has used the same provocations drawing me into an angry exchange. Toward the time frame of the bomb this was done in front of family and used to justify her abandonment of the R. I will no longer permit myself to become vested in the anger and react in this manner.

I suppose this could be considered a personal boundary, but I prefer to think of it as one of my 180s. I would think of not being passive aggressive as a 180 in your case. How you get there, if you use a personal boundary or not is how you get there. IMO the end result is more important than the means in this case.

"Yup, i had my boundaries too and you crossed them multiple times when i told you to be happy with what you had. But you chose to just get depressed and radiated it out which affected our family. That is when i decided to file for D because you crossed my boundaries"

Did she ever tell you this was a boundary? Did she ever say be happy with what you have or I will D you? Boundaries must be clearly stated and understood, else they are not boundaries. JMO if they were not clearly set then they were justifications.

My W explanation of her boundary and her needing to file for D because i crossed it was correct, right?

Don’t permit her to lay all of this at your feet. It is not all your fault.
You own your part.

She owns hers.

Since you acknowledge and own your part you can change. He!! you have changed.

Dig in your brain for old stuff, learn from it, grow from it. When you can no longer do that, stop digging.

It is what reflection is for. It is what history is for.

[Redo]

JS, I agree fully with you. Yup, boundaries are rules that i need to set for myself so that i can keep my N.U.T.s intact [no pun ]

Did she ever tell you this was a boundary? Did she ever say be happy with what you have or I will D you? Boundaries must be clearly stated and understood, else they are not boundaries. JMO if they were not clearly set then they were justifications.

Sadly yes, not verbatim. but she did say that i was affecting the family. But at that point in my life i honestly did not know who i was.

The sad truth to all this is : If my W had not filed for D in Jan. Had i not sought help, found the DB book, found this forum, read all the other books on relationships, started this whole process of finding myself: I would have been the same old person who did not know who he was when it came to relationships. In way my W did me a favor. I just wish the price i had to pay was not this bad.

[alamo76]

+1 to ^^^

[Redo]

Journaling...

I am going through a weird phase these past 3~4 days. I'll be ready to take any 2x4's my way

So while i have not be looking to meet anyone, during the early stages of our sitch i signed up on this website where you can meet other divorced individuals. I had an account, but i never created a profile nor submitted one.

Every now and then the website spams me with their matches and i usually delete them without opening. I know that i am emotionally at a weak state and don't want to compromise myself.

But last week when i feeling unusually down, i opened their matching list. Saw someone and now my mind is totally screwed up.

I have no clue what's happening in my sitch. Yup, i talk to D everyday and wife helps with D talking to me. We are cordial.

But at the same time W tells me how D will come and stay with me, how we should do things together etc. Which i guess points to a future where we are Divorced.

And on top of that, I have no idea what's going on in terms of her L not getting back with the draft decree that W was anxious to tell me.

Sometimes i feel that i am ready to move on completely, but then again i feel like i might freak out if the divorce does go through.

Now that i have seen this new person on the website, i think: should i just pursue that route?? Then again i feel that i'll be cheating on my wife because technically we are still married.

But sometimes my rational side tells me to just take a break from all this R stuff. While i agree with it, sometimes i just want that 'love' from another person. This lonely life i guess is just getting to me.

Man i wish i never opened that email Argh....

Just venting.

[jbnati]

MK - You do know that woman in the email is a potential future WAW, don't you?

Seriously, don't put the cart before the horse right now. This is not where you are. You should be wary, too, of any rebound relationships when/if the D goes through.

I understand. It's HARD being alone, even if you're GAL'ing like gangbusters. (or divorcebusters, if you will). You miss the love. You miss the companionship.

Hang in there and stay the course.

[Redo]

You do know that woman in the email is a potential future WAW, don't you?

lol...true

[JustStunned]

Mk, before I met STBXW I was my own person. I viewed myself ready for what I viewed as the next life stage. I was primed for marriage and a family. I was looking for a wife in every sense of the word as I understood it. So we began, it lasted 29 yrs. Our 29th is in 3 weeks.

My point: I will be ready for another R when I am my own person again, until then I work on me. When I am ready someone else will be ready. What will remain then is to meet that person. That doesn't mean I am alone. I have found surprising enough a growing group of friends and supporters

This is what is right for me. You will decide what and when is right for you. IMO we need to be ready, we need to be complete as our own person. I agree with jbnati.