This is going to be really long, so please bear with me....
It's been a long time since I posted, but my H decided that he wanted to come back home. I told him that it had been almost a year since he had been trying to decide whether he wanted me or the OW and that it was time for him to decide where he wanted to be. I told him that I would give him a week to decide what he would like to do. He was very receptive to that and the conversation went really well. He had pretty much been living here for the last month anyway. After the week was up, he said that he would like to give it a shot and that he would like for us to be "married" again.
However, it started to go wrong right from the beginning. We have tried to have R talks and he just says that he felt like he was a great H until last July and that all of our marital problems were my fault. I let that comment go and just tried to focus on doing what we needed to do to work on our marriage. He asked me what I needed from him and I said "I need you to cut all contact with OW(he was still talking to her via text) and he said that he would do that. She emailed him this long gushy email declaring her undying love and how people did not change..yada yada. He didn't email her back and I thought that he was really serious, but then he and my D went to the beach with the family and he replied to the email. He told her that he loved her more than anything and that he had to come back here because of our D, but that he would never love another the way that he loved her and all of that kind of thing. I called him out on the email and he gave me a tale about it being "closure." I've told him that if he loves her that much then he needs to be with her because obviously he doesn't love me that way. He still insists that he wants us to work out our problems because he thinks we can work it out versus him trying to be with her and work things out with our D who was VERY angry with him.
On one hand, I'm glad that he wanted to come back to work on things because our D was having a VERY difficult time, but on the other hand I don't want to be with a husband who's heart is somewhere else. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again because I don't trust that he loves me. Are we doomed??? Do I have to swallow all of my needs in order to make our marriage work? Do I pretend that I feel completely secure in him? Because I don't feel secure AT ALL. I think he's just hanging out here because it's the easier of the two options and I feel like I'm just the best he could do under the circumstances.
I know this was LONG, but I desperately need HELP. Am I selling myself short by trying to work out a marriage to a man who is obviously head-over-heels in love with another woman? My other question is, if he were so in love with her why did he spend most of his time here? I need some guidance...will someone please give me some ideas? Do I go back to GALing and all of the other DB stuff that I was doing before he came back or what?
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
This is the problem with communicated deadlines (as opposed to INTERNAL deadlines, that you set for yourself): the wayward spouse will inevitably, one day before the end of the deadline, promise you the moon and the stars for you NOT to give up on them.
Happens all the time.
Affairs are highly addictive, as you have seen. My best advice to you would be to ask your husband to send the OW a no-contact letter, the content of which is to be proofread and approved by you, and it's to be DELIVERED/mailed by you (so that he doesn't add anything or subtract anything). He needs to change his e-mail address, and his cellphone #, with detailed billing on the new #, and the bill coming to you.
COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY.
If it were me, I would also ask for MCing, with a good, pro-marriage MC who specializes in infidelity.
Do you think he would do that?
The recidivism rate on infidelity, even WITH these things, can be significant; WITHOUT them, it's probably 75-90%. Even if he WANTS to end it with her, he's going to be very hard-pressed to do it on his own, and every new contact with her sets back his "withdrawal clock" to 0:00:00. IF he can maintain no-contact, you're looking at several weeks of HARD WITHDRAWAL, followed by up to 6-24 months for complete withdrawal.
Have you done any reading up on affairs? It CAN be done, but it would be best if you knew what you were up against, and decided to ask for the above as your list of "dealbreakers" if he wants to come back.
Thanks for the reply!! I have asked him to send the OW a no-contact letter and he will not do it. He says our problem is that I expect to much from him. I just don't see it as expecting to much for him to tell the OW that he is completely finished with their relationship...it would make me a whole lot more secure in him. I have explained that to him and his response is "I really don't think it will make that much of a difference...you still will not trust me and you will still snoop" I think he sees it as controlling and he says that he will not be controlled.
I'm trying, but at what point do you keep putting up with things to save your marriage? I'm just not sure the best avenue to pursue on this. I mean he's living here and we are "married", but it's no different than it was before he moved out. He is still "confused" about what he wants although he says "I want to be here...if I didn't, I wouldn't be." However, he's doing nothing to make me feel like he really does want to be here. He doesn't want to do anything that will help reassure me. For instance, before he moved back in here, he would text me ALL DAY, but now I can hardly get him to text me at all. I'm just completely confused. I just don't understand why...
Do I tell him that if he cannot have complete transparency with me and completely end things with her that we are done? That's where I am right now!! Part of me just wishes he would go back to his sister's and leave me along....it's sooo frustrating.
Any help from the veterans out there would be greatly appreciated~~~
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
"I really don't think it will make that much of a difference...you still will not trust me and you will still snoop"
Well, there is some truth to this. You shouldn't trust him, and you SHOULD snoop, at least for a while.
Confused, the onus (duty/responsibility) should be on him to prove himself to rebuilding trust.
Snooping?
Yes,
Trust, BUT; verify.
You should even tell him you are going to, and in time it will go away once you trust him again.
This is the part of DBing that is hard. Because now come the consequences of poor actions/choice by the spouse.
Quote:
He says our problem is that I expect to much from him
IF he wants to be married and work things out, he should be willing to jump through hoops for you, and you should be willing to make those hoops fewer and farther between as you begin to trust him until none exist at all if he lives up to them.
What you are describing is fraught with peril at cost to you.
Taking the wayward spouse back at any cost?
No boundaries?
An apology is great! But without penance on his part, knowing and wanting to win your trust back? I don't see his desire.
Now on your part.
You.
Have you forgiven him? Have you really? Do you bring up the past if you have? Cause that's not good. If you haven't forgiven him, don't tell him you have. Do not lie, be honest.
This is one sided, not defending him; only have your story.
Take a critical long look at yourself, is there any truth to what he says?
Address those issues...but hold him accountable.
HE wanted this, he should ALSO be working for it, maybe even dancing a jig while he does. But do not be cruel either.
If he cannot, he cannot, and there is your answer.
He shouldn't come back because its easier. You shouldn't let him back because it is easier. You'll be back here again if you do.
This is work, this is hard, and he doesn't seem to think it should be.
Too bad for him if he is not up to it. Oh...and YOU are NOT the bad guy if he cannot. It is simple HE broke trust and if he is unwilling to do what it takes to fix it, his LACK of Ability or Desire does not mean you are the bad person here...just the stronger person.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Do I tell him that if he cannot have complete transparency with me and completely end things with her that we are done? That's where I am right now!! Part of me just wishes he would go back to his sister's and leave me alone...
That would work for me.
I hope you did some good DB'ing for yourself before all this came back to your home. I don't think you'll be seeing this one for awhile.
No one should have to ACCEPT a spouse who would rather be with someone else.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
It could have been closure. If he never sent another one, I'd let it die. Letting her off easy, with sweet words...who knows.
I KNOW it hurt you.
The proof however of his words? Would be in the pudding.
"I will always love you. I wish things could have been different. I will always be your friend."
THOSE were the words my wife used in her last letter to the OM.
words...wind...true?
She sleeps with me, tells me she loves me, and does.
At the time those words cut, but I kept my mouth closed against the pain. Time bore the truth out. Now? When she dreams of him, she yells at him to get out of our house. : )
Confused, he has lied to you...why do you only trust his words when they are directed at another person?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Wow! Thanks for all of the input. I'm going to try to address some of the questions that you asked.
You shouldn't trust him, and you SHOULD snoop, at least for a while.
I feel the same way and I've told him that. He says that since he is back that I should give him some slack. He says that he understands why I don't trust him, but that it exasperates him.
IF he wants to be married and work things out, he should be willing to jump through hoops for you, and you should be willing to make those hoops fewer and farther between as you begin to trust him until none exist at all if he lives up to them.
I told him that he would have to do things that he didn't want to do in order for me to learn to trust him again and he pretty much refuses. He's just gotten ALOT better at hiding things since I found that email that he sent to OW. My problem is that I don't know that I can trust him when I KNOW he is hiding things.
Take a critical long look at yourself, is there any truth to what he says?
Absolutely Jack! I have accepted all of the things that I did to push him into an affair and I have apologized and I have been working on myself since last September. I was in a deep depression that was brought on by an IUD and further agitated by losing my job. I was absolutely AWFUL. My personality had done a complete 180 and I didn't even like myself. The problem is that he has NOT apologized for anything. He thinks he was completely justified in his actions and that it was all my fault that it happened and I should just take what he will give and leave it alone.
Have you forgiven him? Have you really? Do you bring up the past if you have? Cause that's not good. If you haven't forgiven him, don't tell him you have. Do not lie, be honest.
I have not forgiven him completely for this and I have told him that. It will take a lot of time for that kind of forgiveness to happen with my whole heart. I do admit to bringing it up occasionally because I really want to understand WHY?? I'm almost obsessed with understanding why he would do this (I know that's detrimental to me)!
This is work, this is hard, and he doesn't seem to think it should be.
No he doesn't! He even admitted that he expected "everything to pretty much go back to normal when he came back". He was having a hard time understanding why me and our D were not just being ECSTATIC that he was back. I tried to explain that for me, I was still protecting myself because of the trust thing.
It has been very trying and to be honest I'm tired of putting in ALL of the work and him just sliding back into his little routine without making any changes or trying anything to help!!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Confused, he has lied to you...why do you only trust his words when they are directed at another person?
That is a really good way to look it! I guess I trust those words because he has NEVER talked to me like that and I can think of no reason that he would need to lie to her. Also, I think I've always believed what he said more than what he did...isn't that CRAZY??? I think that's why the words hurt me so badly and now I just having a hard time believing that he's here for any other reason than it's easier and he has said multiple times that he is just tired of being pulled in 2 directions...
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
I have done ALOT of DBing! I have really worked on myself and while I'm not completely there yet, I am 90% better than I was a year ago. I'm alot more secure in myself and I know that I do not need him to be HAPPY!!
I had actually got to the point that I was OK without him and I had finally detached and that's when he wanted to come back...ugh!!!!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
I'm one of the more tolerant and lenient people here. I was a WAH once, I was an LBS. I'd bet money most cases are not as one sided as they appear and I stress understanding and self improvement more than tricks and tactics...
That being said.
If he is unwilling to met your needs (yes I said needs : ) ) Why are you willing to met his?
This is piecing and it plays entirely DIFFERENT than the rest of DB.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
