Lastly, I know it helps you to write down everything she says, but really, think about the energy it's taking for you to hear it and to remember it SO clearly. My impression is that in your mind you are trying to build a case that she has or doesn't have MLC, and to that end, you're taking the opportunity when you see her to "collect evidence" by way of memorizing everything she says. After you post it, you go back later and post more things if you forgot them. Do you see how this is hurting you? This process? You're fixated on HER words, HER meaning, and you're taking YOUR energy to memorize and then kick it all back out, where you can read it over and over if you choose.
You are punishing yourself, Tad. Stop it.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ well said Antonia.
Tad, I know - we ALL know how difficult it is for you right now. My heart hurts just thinking about what you are feeling and how fresh the pain is for you. I know that I used to listen to everything my H would say and analyze it, tear it apart, internalize it. and it does no good Tad. they don't even remember saying it!
Is a crazy person going to admit that they are crazy? Heck no! I laugh at myself when I think about in the beginning when I would print off information on MLC and give it to my H thinking that he would actually be able to read it and say - yep that's me! how can I stop?
H would read some of it and think I WAS THE CRAZY ONE for thinking anything was wrong with him. To him he was finally free and in control of his life for the first time. He would say that I was "living in my own fantasy world" thinking that there was something wrong with him when it was just me he wasn't in love with any more. like I was trying to come up with excuses.
Now 2 months ago, H hit rock bottom emotionally. He was for the 1st time able to look back and see the path of distruction he had created. He ASKED me for more information on MLC and read it all. He told me in a very emotional conversation that what he was reading was like reading his own bio.
Did his discovery of his MLC bring him back to me? NO. but I can tell you that his discovery changed him. He is much more loving, caring and emotional now. Aside from still being with the OW - we are closer friends now than we were when we were married. we laugh, are thoughtful of each other, he does anything I ask (that i think is because he feels soooooo guilty). Has he come out of his MLC - heck no! but he isn't insane and unbareable anymore. H is in the "holy sh*t, what have I done?" stage, but he is still incapable of making decisions and is still standing in one spot letting those around him make the decisions for him so he doesn't have to take responsiblity for anything. he has a long journy ahead of him.
I say all of this because I don't want you to get caught up on thinking that if she just admits she is in MLC it will change her back to who she was and she will come running home. She will never be the person she was before AND NIETHER WILL YOU.
You hang in there my friend, time heals all wounds.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
