Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Well, here I am again, after the long weekend camping. Don't have much time, but need to write a couple of things down. Amazing how much more motivated I am to write here than in a personal journal. Maybe here I feel like I am telling somebody my stuff, rather than writing it down where it will never be seen. Anyone reading, feel free to comment.

I know that this is not an Asperger's forum, but I happen to have that particular condition, and I have to say, sometimes it [censored]! One of the big problems for me is my failure to understand things that are not stated directly. One night, while we were camping, I was getting ready for bed, and W commented, "Aren't you going to get undressed?" I was wearing what I have worn to bed for the last couple of years, as W and I have not slept nude together, routinely, for the last couple of years. The first thing that went through my mind was, "Why would I do that? I never sleep that way." Struggling to understand what she was saying and what was expected of me, I stammered for a while, and reached for my waistband (nevermind the fact that I have been trying to do things independent of W, as a part of the 180). She saw this and got frustrated, told me to "forget it," and we both went to sleep.

Only later did the idea dawn on me, "Was she coming on to me?" And I guess that my reaction probably made her feel rejected. That's where having Asperger's [censored].

I realized over the extended weekend that I had some success doing the 180, but as soon as I saw W beginning to smile at me, I had an overwhelming urge to give up the whole thing just so that I could "drink it up;" this openness to me has been just what I so wanted, and it is hard to keep my separateness from her, rather than appearing desperate all over again. Sometimes I have more success, remembering to at LEAST pretend to enjoy the time together while remaining relaxed. Other times I totally botch it up, looking desperate, pathetic, and, I am sure, completely undesirable to someone who wants a relationship with a whole person, rather than a half looking to be completed.

Maybe realizing my current failings in this effort is just part of the process of learning to do it better. Anyway, I'm taking a deep breath, calming myself down, and learning to like myself as I am, as my therapist keeps telling me (by the way, my therapist was really impressed with the 180 list I showed her, and will be reading up on Michele Weiner-Davis's work).

Anyone reading, feel free to comment or contribute. Would love to hear.