"rewrite history to justify her decision for leaving. That's a common theme you'll see around here often."
Yes, this makes sense to me. I would hear things like "I can't recall a single happy time we had together in the last 12 years". I'm not exaggerating at all, this is what she would tell you. This puzzled me for a long time and I couldn't understand how she could say something like that. Making a list of happy times I can remember is, of course, counterproductive.
After many conversations with her over time I've come to understand that for her the absence of happiness in our marriage is a subset of a deeper unhappiness that she feels with life in general. For a variety of personal reasons she has been depressed and hiding it since she went to middle school growing up or earlier. On the surface socially she puts on a persona of contentment, but underneath there is a profound sadness and depression. I didn't have the tools or knowledge to understand to be aware of this before.
To me awareness of her deeper sadness explains why I've been blamed for what is going on. If the problem is all with me, then she doesn't have to face the life issues going on with her. The problem with that strategy is "you can't run from yourself". No matter how much energy she puts into blaming her problems on external factors, the depression will remain because the problems that need to be dealt with are internal.
I'm doing the same kind of work as her right now, sorting out what my problems are internally. But, my life experiences has been different than hers and my problems are not with depression. My issues are more surrounding confidence, boundary issues, not having purpose in life, owning my shadow side and developing more congruence between my Self and the persona I present to people with whom I engage. And wow it's a lot of work to get all that aligned, but I've started.
