This is my first time here. I have a lot going on in my head, so I hope not to ramble or provide TMI or TLI, as I attempt to summarize. Let me first say that of the different marriage/divorce books I picked up, Michele’s DR is the one book I can’t put down. Thanks, Michele, for your wisdom, tools and PMA regarding the sanctity of marriage. It's refreshing.
"ILYBNILWY" and “It’s not you, it’s me” is what W told me one evening after dinner four months ago. W said there was no OM, but that she was tired of being committed and wanted to experience life on her own. W gave us until the end of this year to stay together, for the convenience of serving out our apartment rental agreement as well as our DD being a December college graduate. At that point W would consider a D, and until then we could be amicable.
This came out of left field. To say that I was caught off guard would be an understatement. I had made W the center of my marriage, so this news really stung and I even lost 22 pounds without trying. Although we did not have the perfect marriage (there is no such thing), it had never been afflicted by alcohol, drugs, abuse or infidelity of any kind. It did have ups and downs, filled with laughter and joy, as well as tears and frustration – as would any marriage.
W’s epiphany of unhappiness made me immediately wonder if there was an OM. W’s story had flaws. In the following days, I began to notice contradictions in other normal everyday conversations. It became evident W was telling half-truths and providing misinformation, either to save face or spare me from the harsh reality of her digression, or both.
After reviewing our joint checking account, for which W is responsible, I found several suspicious transactions. One such transaction was for a cell phone payment not belonging to us. Assuming this was a charge W authorized for the (unknown) OM, I nonchalantly mentioned my intent to contest the charge. With a look of panic, W advised it was a one-time favor for (named) OM. Then, with a look of disapproval, W expressed annoyance that I had the audacity to look at our joint account. A few days later, a similar scenario occurred. At that point, W moved from our bedroom to the guest bedroom, as well as opening a personal account, as a means of separation.
Although, W still initiates a kiss on the lips goodnight, there are no ILYs or other forms of PT. W spends every evening/night at home and we still have light-hearted conversations, but when we do eat together it is quick-prep take out. During the day, when W is not at work, I’ve discovered she is with the OM, as he works evenings. W & OM breakfast/lunch together at restaurants with table service. I also found that W decorates OM’s place and is the named individual on OM’s utility bills, and this causes a little more concern, as I feel this could be more serious than just an affair. Furthermore, without getting too graphic, on more than one occasion the contents of the laundry basket have strongly suggested a PA.
(There's oodles more info I know, but in the interest of simplicity and not providing TMI, I'll leave it out).
Bottom line, I don’t want a D, but I feel time could be running out. I think there are four major questions I have:
1) W hasn’t disclosed anything, but I can’t approach her with what I know, so I pretend not to know. Is there anything I can do to encourage W to be straightforward? Attempting to talk about us won’t work… W would consider that nagging, so I leave it alone. The clock is ticking, and I’m not sure whose side time favors. 2) Their relationship is at the five month mark (six months is supposedly the average max), but it seems to be going strong. FYI, OM is 14 years younger than W. What’s the possibility/probability this could be more serious than just an affair? 3) Page 216 of DR suggests finding out what OM offers that I don’t. How would I go about obtaining that info? Since W isn’t telling me of OM, you can’t possibly be suggesting I casually contact OM…that would be risky. 4) Blood is thicker than water. I’m sure W told her family of her unhappiness. I wouldn’t think she’s told them of OM. What are the chances I can seek their advice on how to win her heart again? More importantly, can I do it without them circling back to her only to backfire on me?
Your thoughts and insights are most graciously appreciated.
Thank you! ___________
Me: 43 W: 44 Married: 14 No children together, 1 darling step-daughter: 21 OM: 30 ILYBNILWY: 3/2011 ???: 1/1/2012
