I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

[kat727]

She seems to do that stuff an awful lot. Next time say that you aren't able to make it, already have something scheduled for yourself. She is leaning on you and isn't really feeling the "oh, I am divorced. I can't keep calling ex for everything". yet. Right now, I get the impression she thinks she can call you and you will be there at the drop of a hat.

I can see helping out on occassion byut it is like she is setting this stuff knowing that she is going to have to ask for help. Sorry if I am off base.

kat

[ClingingToHope]

I think you are hitting it right on the head Kat. She has her mom and sister here but they always were a lousy support system. And her two best friends are divas. Really, I always felt sorry for XW because all of the people "closest" to her are no real help at all.

A few weeks ago she even asked me to take a key to the house in case something happened to her because she said at least I'd respond.

The Wednesday situation shaked out even more strangely. She got someone to switch with her so she could leave work at 5 p.m. Then she asked if I'd come to the appointment with her so WE could explain what happened with D8 at horseback riding camp a few weeks ago. She texted that "she didn't mind" if I came.

I'm not up yet for sitting down with this particular doctor. I called her several weeks ago asking for reports on these counseling sessions -- I'm entitled to them -- and she never returned my phone calls.

So that upset me. It feels like she is XW's doctor.

PLUS, her partner was the counselor XW was seeing without my knowing back in 2009. So there are files in that about our failing marriage.

So right now, I want nothing to do with that doctor or that building. Maybe some day in the future, but that day isn't today.

So I texted her, "No. I have to be somewhere by 6 p.m."

Then at 5 p.m. I dropped the girls off at the old house before XW got home and took their friends home.

Now, if things go well I shouldn't HAVE to see her again until August.

Funny, my blood was too thick at the plasma center. They had to shut the machine off and send me home. Now, I'm heading in to do a little work and then clean and then four more days with the girls.

[whatisis]

Co-parenting is making sure that what needs to be done gets done. If she needs your help and you're not otherwise obligated then do it! We should never use parenting as a means to make the other person feel the divorce. If she becomes overly demanding or if asking becomes a regular occurrence with no return then it's time for a talk, otherwise help each other out. She has said that she'll meet you there and take over from there, that's her trying to hold up as much of her end as she can. You can ask her to help you out to. Voldemart asks me to help her out at certain times e.g. swamped at work but she also covers for me when I need her to. It doesn't matter whether it's her week or yours. What matters is that your child's medical needs get attended to.

[whatisis]

Voldemart? It sounds like a grocery store gone bad! I gotta learn to spell her new name properly. LOL

[kat727]

I hear what you a saying wii but she is doing this all the time! She needs to learn to be responsible during her time and not continually plan for clinging to cover for her.

As they get to a point where they are a bit more detached from the hurt and mess of divorce, they will get to where it isn't so much an issue. I am coming up on 3 years of divorce, you about the same time being separated but still married(so you fall into your own catagory) while cling here just got divorced. They are going to need some time.

kat

[ClingingToHope]

I'm well ahead of where I was last year and I think -- hope -- I'll be really a lot farther along next year.

A little part of today is that right now I'm more concerned about D12. In my mind, she's the one that needs the help more. She has the teen angst coming on, plus the D is hitting her harder and she's heading into a new school.

XW refuses to believe that the D is playing any part in D12's issues. She said that D12 says she's upset about the D because "that's what you want to hear."

Wii, I had decided that I would take them to the appointment and waited for XW to get there. Instead, she got off early, but I drew the line in my head at going with her to the meeting.

When it comes to XW's work, I still help when I can because that's the most important thing in the world to her -- and I need her on my good side for switching because of all my part-time jobs.

Now, if she asks me to adjust because of a social thing or her family, I've tended to say no.

Baby steps.

She texted back asking what night WOULD be good for me for D8's next appointment. I said Tuesday or Thursday so it looks like she is going to set one up that I'll have to go to.

If that happens, the next baby step will be, OK, I'll go, but I'm speaking to the doctor alone.

Part of it is we have a toxic relationship. It's not like when I see her I think, boy it was nice to see XW. I'm glad to see she's doing well.

When I see her, all of the emotions I'm trying to conquer fly back to the surface and she just can't win with me. If she's a b*tch, then I'm mad she's acting that way. If she's nice, I'm bitter she's cake-eating. The only thing I want to hear her say is "I was wrong."

So a meeting with the psychologist, ex-wife and me would be counter productive at this time. I still don't trust the psychologist. I need to do that first.

So much goes into every day. With that mini drama playing out, I have been messaging back and forth with a couple of Match women.

One lives in a town 20 minutes south. She's a teacher with four kids all D8's age or younger. I am not all that interested, but she's going to sign up for the divorce class at my church and I'm a table leader so we've been kind of comparing stories.

The second one also is a teacher, lives in my town, is very pretty. We've exchanged several and -- since I don't know how these online things are supposed to progress -- tonight I asked her out.

She likes movies and mentioned Crazy Stupid Love. It opens next Friday and I'm free next weekend so I asked her if she'd like to go together.

I like everything about her profile except that she's a conservative. I'm a liberal. My three best friends are conservatives. We stay friends by not discussing it.

I'm jumping ahead already. First things first. Will she accept the offer?

Tomorrow, I will send Church_31 a text. I haven't texted her since July 3 because I got the hint that she didn't think of me the way I was thinking of her. Still, it's wrong of me to entirely cut off communication. I'll check in on how she's doing.

The big birthday party is coming up Saturday. D8 is pretty excited. I'm a little worried about how I'm going to keep these girls occupied from 1 p.m. until whenever they nod off.

[kat727]

I just want to let you know that you may never hear her say it. Try to come to peace with that. The fact that you still have these feelings bubbling up indicates that they haven't been fully dealt with. Mostly it will take time but some work on your part.

For the birthday, little surprises through out the day are nice. Don't try to hard and I am sure everything will work out fine.

Kat

[whatisis]

CTH, a few weeks after we had told our kids we were separating, my eldest daughter was found cutting up the inner pockets of her winter jacket with scissors. She did not like the jacket, wanted a new one but had been told that this one would do. Cutting things up is not my D's style. I mentioned to wife that I wondered whether this was some angry reaction to our separation announcement. I was told "don't psycho-analyze everything, she just wants a new jacket" OK. I think that when one party has instigated the end of the marriage they have a very hard time seeing and accepting the pain that those actions cause everyone around them so they hit the denial button. Voldemort is in the helping profession and her response was always "it's just her" never that the destruction of our family may have caused certain behaviours. On the plus side, my kids are healthy and happy today! I think the path I've chosen in dealing with the destruction of the marriage has played a major role in supporting my kids. You can and will choose a path that works for your kids too!

[KellyF]

Quote: I like everything about her profile except that she's a conservative. I'm a liberal. My three best friends are conservatives. We stay friends by not discussing it.

Sorry if I'm jumping in, but at least you'll know she'll like your friends! Best wishes.

[ClingingToHope]

That's a good line -- KF.

Alas, the teacher said no. She said after a couple of weeks on Match the online dating thing is not for her.

I said I understand. I was just hoping to see a movie with an adult. The last 50 or so have been with my daughters.

And I said it was a standing invitation. That worked with the Match girl back in December. She gave me the brush off and then a few weeks later, out of the blue, messaged me again.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Funny thing today -- and it's part of the reason I don't want to do a three-person conversation with the psychologist -- but D12's friends stayed the night with the girls at XW's. When they came over this morning, they were kidding D12 about how bossy she was.

Her friend said "you were acting like your mom."

Alarm bells, alarm bells, alarm bells.

I really hope my girls don't grew up like XW and I worry that'll come out in any meeting. I need time to learn how to cope with that worry.

Little sentimental today. Summer is slipping away again. It's expensive and tiring but summer was always important to me growing up and I do my best to make it memorable for the girls. I get sad when it gets on the downside.