XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined....

[XYZ]

I'm not in a good space today. I've realized that I don't trust my wife. Her actions don't match her words. They never have. A big part of our problems were that she's say one thing and do another; then get mad at me for not knowing what she wanted or believing her actions when she wanted me to believe her words or vice versa ("I always told you...." to which I'd reply, "Yes, but you did....").

Pre-bomb, she went from "we'll be ok", to "maybe not", to "done" in 20 day days. Then she was done, then she wanted to try, but didn't DO anything to try, back to "done", back to "try". Now, "I'll schedule counseling" - but doesn't, to "sorry, been busy, I'll do it", but doesn't. To "I'll follow up", but doesn't. Great (really great!) words the night she asked me to try again; and then they are gone.

Before piecing, I believed nothing she said. What she said didn't make sense and it didn't match what she did. Now, she SAYS what I want her to say, and I believe it? Why? Just because it's what I want to hear? That doesn't make sense.

I'll tell you something, only 2 things have changed: (1) what she SAYS and (2) me being hopeful again. And that [censored], because now it hurts again to be disappointed. When I was detached, I didn't give a crap what she did/said, it didn't matter, now it does again and I'm pissed at myself for letting it.

I'll repeat after Jack, "today is not the day I quit", but I really want to. I just want to say F this.