Can I "fake" GAL?

[Very Confused]

Sometimes I am so down regarding my M and situation, I can hardly stand it. I still haven't forgiven myself for treating him so badly that he had to leave. I am trying to make myself the kind of woman he would want to be with. I pray that he gives me another chance, but with each passing day, I think my odds are decreasing. I'm in the infancy of this whole process, but each day feels like an eternity. What I wouldn't give to wipe the slate clean and start over. I meant it when I said for better or worse.

I'm just afraid that he's looking for the "next best" thing before he decides to let me go. I've heard of this referred to as monkeying..where they don't let go of one branch before they grab another. I guess this stems from what I read in his dating profiles. Also, the fact that he even had them up while I'm studying DB, 5 LL, this board, getting IC and he's out looking for "the one" seriously upsets me. I was trying to work on myself and the M all while he lied to my face, saying he was working on himself, and had those profiles on the internet. I guess I am still a little upset over all that. But as my momma used to tell me, "Honey, life isn't fair sometimes."

I know all this is not up to me, it's all his decision, but it still hurts regardless. I'm just tired of living alone. I hate not coming home to anyone besides my kitty. No one to share my daily life with. I know either way, I will be ok, but I'm just scared I'm going to lose my best friend.