Can My Marriage Be Saved, Pt 2

[a girl]

Thanks - you guys are right - it's just masochistic to ask questions I know the answers to.

And I guess I can take some comfort in him actually respecting this boundary, even if he didn't respect our marriage.

I have a call with Jody in an hour, but I'm not sure what the point is - he's moving out, he's in love with her, they want to be together - so what's left to try and save?

Feeling low this morning. Maybe the call with Jody will help.

[~ kd ~]

AG,

You asked in another topic about the concept of "already dead".

It's is a frame of mind that we go forward without concern of consequences (of death) because we can not die. Not because we are immortal. Rather, because the dead can not die. We... are already dead...

Samurai had this mind set and often referred to here is a clip from the show "band of brothers" titled "already dead":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKYJLfWqTBY

How would you be? How would you act? What would you do, if:

+ you had lost everything
+ your self esteem was completely gone
+ everything you cherished was no longer available to you
+ if you were already dead...

Would you simply allow yourself to be burried?

Or would you get up, dust yourself off, and do all those things that fear of loss, fear of hurt and harm, that fear... had previously prevented you from taking the risk, and doing.

Because if you are already dead... all fear... and all risk... does not exist... and you can do amazing things...

If you fear divorce... it is because you are not behaving like you're already divorced. If you were already divorced... what would you do? How would you be with your kids? How would you be with your X?

[a girl]

AG,
If you fear divorce... it is because you are not behaving like you're already divorced. If you were already divorced... what would you do? How would you be with your kids? How would you be with your X?

That's a really good perspective. I'll have to noodle on that.

Talked with Jody - lots of good stuff that I'd love input on, but I'm off to a meeting. Will post in a bit.

[a girl]

Feeling a bit better now. Still occasionally get hit by what feels like a punch in the stomach, but I'm getting my sea legs, I guess.

Jody was really good - she gave me a lot to think about and work on. Number one is that it's ok to set boundaries - it's ok to say "You can't do that in my house, and you can't be in my house while you do that." It was really helpful to be reminded that I don't have to allow anyone to disrespect me.

She also reminded me that anger at H just causes guilt, and feeling bad around me highlights how good he feels around OW.

So, with that in mind, I'm going to be friendly and cordial. I was all last night, and it went pretty well. It will be hard, but I think it will be worth it.

She told me not to think about if I want to reconcile or not - I'm not there yet. She said Step 1 is just coming to terms and living life as a single person with a child. Step 2 is finding a way to friendship with him, and the end of Step 2 is a crossroads - which I don't have to worry about just yet.

She was pretty convinced that his relationship won't work out, but that's not the point right now. Right now it's about being cordial and pleasant, but not letting him walk over my boundaries.

[~¤DG¤~]

It sounds like your talk with Jody really helped you.
I wish I could afford a DB session, but I can't.

It's a good thing I like my IC a lot.

[a girl]

It sounds like your talk with Jody really helped you.
I wish I could afford a DB session, but I can't.

It's a good thing I like my IC a lot.

You know, I know it's not what you intended, but it's good for me to stop every day and think about the ways in which I'm blessed - good job, good friends, good people surrounding me - it's good to keep perspective.

I love your new signature, btw.

[~¤DG¤~]

Thanks! I found it on a site that I visit daily.
It really spoke to me and it is very fitting.

I know I am blessed in many ways, I just need to remind myself of thatm

Keep your chin up!

[a girl]

We had a good evening with talking - general chatting and then conversation about how to handle parenting S7.

And now that S7 is in bed, he's gone out to his office so he can chat with her. I know, I know - don't focus on him, focus on me. But it still hurts.

[~¤DG¤~]

Of course it hurts. You are human and what he is doing is hurtful.

[a girl]

Of course it hurts. You are human and what he is doing is hurtful.

Thanks. You know, the funny thing is that I truly believe that in his not-quite-right head, he thinks that by leaving to do it, not talking to her in my house, it's hurting me less.

Weird.

Anyway. Every day the minutes where I'm sad are fewer. It's so slow, but I can see it getting better.