WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[ESN]

Don't shut the door, then. Respond.

But wait, does she have a son? Just curious - you said vacation with her S?

You sound a lot like me, too, but you are even more articulate about your feelings, and it actually helps me get clearer about mine. I'm supposed to be working right now so I'll keep this brief:

Do deal with your financial stuff/career stuff. You must. No matter what. What's gone is gone (time focusing on her career or moving about). It is freeing to just be your own person in that way.

Her "authentic" way of being right now may not be yours. What's "authentic" to you may not be to her - but I do know what you mean.

And you have to move on regardless of whether things are possible or probable. No one can know right now and you can only take care of you.

I want to know what the HECK BF is going to do this fall. I have a kid with him for godsakes, but I'm moving along AS IF he will be gone. I cannot rely on him for much. Can he come back around? Sure. Will he? Who knows. At this point, I'm letting go of that thread to that hope or possibility or even probability - nothing much can really depend on him right now.

[aeolianchaos]

You're smart, you're hyper aware, you're sensitive, you have so much going for you... and you're... stuck...

You might be on to something here.

Yeah, I think there is a lot of truth about being stuck. I had some good forward progress going but any stall feels like a complete drop at this point.

I'm aware that I've got to work more at the 'action' part of things.

Yes, I am here. So one might wonder, how did that help me?
I can honestly say, it was once I realized and started doing that, everything got so much... clearer...

I dig that. I know that I have a lot of moments of clarity, but sometimes that clarity becomes more of a muddy river when my thoughts start to wander or my situation seems to take a turn in a direction I was trying to prevent.

I am not interested in making excuses for myself about it, but I will recognize that I have had success at this before in terms of balancing my 'thinking' and 'doing' in a more effective and healthy balance. Its funny because many times I think I convince myself that I want to avoid the doing/working part of it, but that is actually where so much happiness lies.

[ESN]

Its funny because many times I think I convince myself that I want to avoid the doing/working part of it, but that is actually where so much happiness lies.

Well, I suppose some might argue that the "being" is where the happiness lies...

One thing you might try to pay attention to is "stinking thinking" - like where in your head are you getting stuck?

I have thoughts like "This relationship will always be hard work."

"I'll never have enough money."

"I can't get this debt paid off" and so forth.

Things trigger the fears.

Maybe her leaving the cable bill for you triggered something? Upset you? Stirred stuff up?

Try to pay attention. Write them down. Then do some focus wheels (A-h explains) or even some Byron Katie "Is it true?"

So much has changed in my life when I started changing my thinking (fears) and started allowing other possibilities then what I had already sort of figured out would or might happen

[aeolianchaos]

Just updating.

Spent most of yesterday trying to not overheat (the weather is absolutely oppressive the past few days) and working on a cover letter for a Job that popped up on my radar. Really not sure if I'm doing things 'right' with that. The anxiety of 'getting it wrong' is pretty powerful. I find myself going to it and then going away from it repeatedly - reminds me of trying to write Term Papers in college. I am trying to use it as another opportunity to recognize an unnecessary anxiety that might be holding me back from greater things, or at least a better experience.

Still, writing cover letters = unhappy AeolianChaos

Just about finished up reading Schnarch's Passionate Marriage. A lot of interesting insights in there that make quite a bit of sense to me. It definitely makes me reflect about what I'm experiencing even at this point - and how it might be in my interests to confront myself a little more. He has some very interesting insights about how even when we think we 'aren't communicating well' we are actually 'communicating quite well, but just don't like what the other is saying'

Also there are concepts in there that build on the idea that even thought W is acting the way she is acting, I can choose to self-soothe and act from what is best in me, or be the person I want to be independent of what she is doing.

I am still in a NC pattern with W. At this point it would seem almost silly to respond to those texts from a week and a half ago.

I seem to be having more dreams about W, lately. Many of which are kind of positive. Waking from them isn't the most pleasant thing, but maybe there is a positive emotion in my subconscious that is promoting this? I don't know.

[aeolianchaos]

So, a quick update. I'll see if I can't write some more later.

Finally got that resume/cover letter submitted. I hope these get easier with time - reading a lot about careers and work and all sorts of things. Just trying to get some perspective and see what kinds of things I could do right now without needing to go and get yet another degree. It is hard to look at the kinds of work that is out there, because I see a lot of stuff where they expect you to have x years of experience or skill in things that... well.. yeah.

Not sure if anyone has much experience w/ networking - I did find a fellow Alumnus of my undergrad working in a place I'd really be interested in. Is it kosher to just cold-contact them and ask to buy them coffee and discuss the company?

As an INFJ, most advice pushes towards counseling or psychology fields, which would be awesome except I have no academic background in those things. So in the meantime, I'm trying to find jobs that pay decently but also enable me to build or cultivate relationships, help people or teach them something, and perhaps give me opportunities to learn about what its like to be on the for-profit side of the world for once. Any suggestions for what those job titles are??

AND for relationship news:

WAW e-mailed me today. Partially functional, but also seemed to be trying to open some doors. She wrote "I feel like we should talk, but I don't know how to go about doing that.. or if you're up to it."

This could mean, she wants to get down to dividing up assets. Or it could mean she wants to talk. I'm going to respond.. its been almost a month of NC and I didn't reply to the last few things she said via txt/email.

Any ideas ?

[aeolianchaos]

Ok.

So I wrote WAW back and kept it short. Relatively speaking at least - acknowledged what she said, and asked her two questions about what she said

WAW "I feel like we should talk, but I don't know how to go about doing that.. or if you're up to it."

My response: "What would you like to talk about? If you feel unsure or worried about it, would you feel better doing it with someone else present to mediate or moderate?"

I feel like this both validates her feelings and confronts her with some of what I really feel is over the top dramatization of things. If anything comes to where she is staying, she peels off the COA sticker and it magically arrives in my mailbox.

Ironically - I know where she is because somehow my magazine subscriptions got redirected there, too, when she changed her address. I really don't care where she is staying. Its her own mythology that I would somehow be following or pursuing her. I think I can say I haven't even looked at her FB profile in almost a month - so why would I waste time and the car's gas peeking around?

I have better things to do with my time - like pick my nose or draw shapes on a piece of paper.

I have been reading a lot of Pema Chodron lately, and I'm struck by this theme that comes up - about standing on the edge and not being right or wrong.. allowing yourself to be groundless and just experience. I can't help but think of a) how it relates to what I'm experiencing right now and b) how it relates to much of Schnarch's Passionate Marriage.

What does it mean to just allow for that kind of destabilized feeling or to in fact willingly move into it? I think its a way of accepting fear, acknowledging it, but staying true to yourself at the same time. But then, what is the self? This is where I get a little stuck. I'm pretty familiar with the concept of Anatta (not-self) but I have always felt like it referred more to the idea that much of what we see as "us" is actually not us at all, and is certainly not solid. But that there is a self that exist behind that (this pops up a lot in Eckert Tolle's work as well) and that self sees the folly in much of what our other self places so much value and weight on. But does that 'self' evolve, too? Or is it a question of expressing that self more fully in our lives?


One thing that makes me feel a little sentimental - The Harry Potter Movie. When W and I were on our honeymoon, she picked up one of the books for the plane ride across the country. We ended up both reading the entire series that summer and we've seen all the movies together. So, its a little sad that the last one is finally out and we won't be able to see it. I'm okay with that sadness - it isn't about HP7 - its about doing things together and realizing that its gone.

[♪CS♪]

But then, what is the self?

It is the conscious that asks the question

I think your response was very well done.

A lot of wisdom in your post.

The answer is in the questions you ask.

Be well.

[~ kd ~]

Just my two cents... I might have suggested shortening your response to simply... "What would you like to talk about?"

I feel the "mediator" comment might have seemed a little... confrontational... even if it wasn't intended that way...

[aeolianchaos]

I feel the "mediator" comment might have seemed a little... confrontational... even if it wasn't intended that way...

It was intended to be confrontational in the best of ways - she has been acting in a way as to suggest that somehow there is a large amount hostility and that she is scared, or that I am going to jump down her throat. Neither of these are true - nor have they been true since she walked out. I literally stopped begging or pushing the day after she left (and read DB the next day which only further solidified that choice). Basically, I'm playing along with her actions and taking what she says at face value when I respond to her. I'm hoping that by reflecting what she says, she might take a little closer look at it.

She responded to my e-mail last night -

She says that none of my magazines have arrived where she is staying. I have doubts about that - customer service had that address on file as the mailing address. I will let it slide - she could be telling the truth - but I am still unsure about confronting her about this whole hiding her address business. I do find it offensive, but as someone posted in Denver's thread "This isn't the hill you want to die on" (I love that line btw)..

She brought up that her lease begins on sept 1st and she wants to put some stuff in storage while she is on tour overseas. I think this might be more to the point of these communications -- she wants to make sure she is covered when she leaves. This brings up a mix of issues -- I need to find a new place to live, but I don't have a job. Without a job, it will be a little tough to get a new apt. Without a job, it will also be tough to know where to move - I plan on downsizing, big-time, and ideally living somewhere that my commute will be mercifully brief.


In response to my questions regarding if she felt like she needed someone there to mediate: " I'd like to think that you and I can talk freely to each other...maybe we can start with emails and then meet at [Coffee Shop that I live at lately] or something."

If this is the case, why would she be avoiding me so intensely? I am happy to communicate with her (I see the opportunity here for me to hold on to myself and stay centered..) but considering its been a month since we last talked (and I thought the last conversation was a worthwhile one) I'm wondering if this is purely going to be for functional purposes or if she has something she actually wants to express to me.

She mentioned this: "I knew that week was a pretty significant one for your family, and you guys were/are in my thoughts a lot. I'm so glad that it went well."

I don't know -- is this more of the "I'm really not a bad person" kind of communication, or is it perhaps more sincere? Its hard to know anymore -- my trust has been so eroded by all her actions that without being around her, its hard to get much sense for what is genuine from her. She may well be trying to regain/find her integrity.

In other news:

Woke up this morning pretty chatter-brained.. but then I got a Faith No More song stuck in my head (Star AD), which was better than what I was thinking.. so now I'm feeling a solid groove and looking forward to talking with IC this afternoon and a yoga class this evening.

[aeolianchaos]

Just had the mother of all R discussions. Yoinks.. nearly 3 hours and most of it focused on our relationship, her feelings of guilt and regret, my issues, the list goes on.. it kind of felt good.

To be clear, I validated and acknowledged a lot of what she said that was accurate or true.

I also was clear about the fact that just because I feel the way I do, doesn't mean I expect her to feel the same.

I did a lot of "you feel like... can you give me some examples of that.." instead of arguing, just trying to understand where she is coming from better.

A fair amount of tears, but no anger and a lot of really constructive conversation. I think my kind demeanor really unset her in some ways -- like she didn't know what to feel about it.

She still has this concept of "co dependency" that I feel is a little flawed -- she thinks I was dependent on her and that she was dependent on me to give her that role of caregiver. To that end I get the sense she feels like if she were with me now it would be continuing that pattern. I guess she really doesn't recognize how I wasn't dependent on her in the ways she thinks I was.. I was dependent on her in other ways, for sure, but not in that way.

Of course she still believes getting a divorce is the right choice, but I guess that isn't really the point of the discussion, is it? I acknowledged that and told her that even though I disagree I recognize that its her decision to have.

i did call her out on a lie, where she said she wasn't thinking of leaving me earlier this year when I had seen a convo between her and OM about how he didn't want her to leave me for him. I wasn't aggressive, I just told her that I didn't expect her to stay married but I do expect honesty.

I got an answer on the hiding address thing.. I'll get to that later.