Thanks all for the feedback. It's good to be back and have y'all keeping me in check.
Microsoft, pizza joints and chicken suits aside, aren't we all here because we've locked on to a singular decision we made about one woman/man in sickness, health, etc.? In the context of a M, committing to decision is critical. Or else none of us would have had the fortitude to stick it out through the shizzit storm. Upon hearing the bomb, I could have walked because my sitch changed, but I committed to a choice I made 12 years ago.
I know we constantly need to adapt, improvise, overcome in life (channeling Clint in Heartbreak Ridge), but does it apply to our Ms?
I am afraid that the moment I stop working toward the goal of getting my W to counseling sans OM, then I will have quit (which I don't accept well).
From a superficial standpoint, it s*cks when someone sees me out with my friends and assumes I'm straying because they don't know what I've endured and what choices my W has made. Its the least of my concerns, but in my small town, superficiality rules and unfortunately may status in the community (I serve a couple non profit boards) suffers.
I am afraid that the moment I stop working toward the goal of getting my W to counseling sans OM, then I will have quit (which I don't accept well).
Maybe short term goals will work better for ya ?
Small things, that are measureable on your own ?
Long term goals, especially relationship focused ones right now , can take the focus off of you , and when you don't see movement on them immediatly, your frustration levels go through the ceiling....
They are okay to have, just keep them in check....
From a superficial standpoint, it s*cks when someone sees me out with my friends and assumes I'm straying because they don't know what I've endured and what choices my W has made. Its the least of my concerns, but in my small town, superficiality rules and unfortunately may status in the community (I serve a couple non profit boards) suffers.
Crushed - this is hard for me too. I am an ED for a Symphony and I have an important role in my community that I take very serioulsy. The gossip that has gone around this past year makes me cringe. I want people talking about my organization - NOT ME. but people in small communities love gossip. I have no control over what others think, do or say. I only have control over my own actions. This is what I tell everyone who comes up to me and says,"guess what I heard!"
As time goes by, someone elses crisis will become the talk of the town and I will be left alone as old news.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I saw I have ED...and I thought, Oh damn TAMF that [censored]...wait a second... TAMF is a chick! I still do not know what an ED for a Symphony is, but it's GOT to be better than what I thought it was.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
That was a classic exchange! Hopefully this will be the only time ED appears on my thread.
FTR, in the nonprofit world ED is Executive Director. I work closely with two of them. Ironically, they are both women.
TAMF, thanks for the input. There is some sensitivity around "appearances", but much is out of my control. There's a huge message sent when appearing at a fundraising dinner and the place setting next to me is vacant. Tongues wagging big time. Your perspective is appreciated big time. I don't like being in the limelight.
Well, the silence has been broken with requests for a divorce. She never was willing to try. I am working on forgiveness and moving forward.
I have maintained that I do not want a divorce. She countered that it was mediation or attorneys. I have maintained that I would not go to MC unless douche was gone. But, I am considering breaking my only boundary in the face of the end game.
There is nothing to lose. If I offer to break my boundary, let her select a counselor, and she still declines, then I can walk away knowing I've done everything I can possibly do to save this M. It is the one thing that is keeping me in around (besides my kids, of course). It is the uncertainty that maybe there's more I can do.
She actually said it wasn't supposed to be like this. Like it was a play?! What should have happened? "You should have fought for me." I am fighting for us. "By working on yourself?!" Yes, by improving myself. "You can't, you were never taught love. You can't love me the way I need." "It's too late"
The tenor of the conversation was clear. I did everything wrong in the marriage and I should have done something huge to make up for it. Her affair is justified.
Her latest spew came when our neighbor allegedly calling her a whore on FB. She raged that I did not defend her. I suggested that maybe neighbor was experiencing a lot of pain resulting from the break up their friendship when W moved out. Perhaps investigating why she might have done something like that. "I don't need to forgive, I don't need people like that in my life" she replied.
I countered that you don't have to pardon her, but the other type of forgiveness releases YOU from the hold they have on your feelings. "I don't care what she thinks"
One last Anger sandwich please. I almost delight in the thought that someday I will not be in the crosshairs of her rage. But it's not comforting. I know there will always be some manufactured slight that I will have offended her with.
Taking a poll: Counseling for three? or no?
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
I don't invite her anger. I'm relieved when I don't have to communicate with her. I don't know how to proceed. Do I agree to mediation or stand firm? Standing pi$$es her off. She claims she doesn't want to be mad anymore, but she can't help it. For this I feel sorry for her. She is blinded by it.
Selfishly, I am angry she won't attend in counseling, but I'm most upset about her putting her affair before her kids. She would rather have OM than investigate the possibility of a future as a family. I give her no promises. Would just love to have an honest conversation about what happened. Perhaps we'd be equally challenged about each of our influences on the M.
No 'never' and 'always' are absolutes. Agreed. Just letting history get in the way.
