First, I did what AJ and MHL said and looked over my shoulder. I've come a long way. The pain is still here, but nowhere near where it was. When I look back at the way I was and some of the thoughts that I had Dec-Mar, it scares me. I hate to admit it, but I was suicidal for a few months. My depression still continues, but the meds help. I've been slowly peaking my head out a little more often.
Second, I did a lot of thinking about the events of yesterday. It was the first thing I thought of this morning. I realized that man, SHE IS CRAZY. Some of the things that she said and the way she looks just makes me realize that no, she is not happy. She is very confused and lost. She seems to have crawled back into her hole too. She hasn't contacted S16 since I picked him up on Saturday. The past few weeks, she has been contacting him 1-3 times daily. It is very weird. There will be like phases or cycles that she goes through. Has anyone heard of this?
Another comment from yesterday:
"You're the good guy. You're the good guy in all of this. You're always the good guy. Of course, I'm the bad person and you're the good guy."
Whatever right?
As for me, I had a pretty decent day today. I wish that I had more of them. Maybe I am cycling like W? The boys and I tackled the backyard. (It had pretty much been ignored since December.) We cleaned the pool and got rid of the weeds and mowed the lawn. It was 110 out. Needless to say, I have an award-winning sunburn. This evening, we cooked some steaks on the grill.
I've thought about and missed W all day. I still miss her terribly.
In other news: I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TOMORROW.
Wish me luck.
Thanks for all of the wise words.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Good luck on the interview. Center yourself before you go. Do not bring up your situation on the interview..
You got this man!6
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Good luck with the interview. Eric's right, don't bring up your sitch.
Yes, MLCers cycle as do the LBS.
I've heard similar from my H about me being the good one and him being the bad guy in all this. It's all part of the script. All it says it that the MLCer does notice how we conduct ourselves and that they do feel guilt for what they've done.
Sounds like you're starting to emerge. Liked reading more about you and what you're doing and less about your W. Good for you!
Good luck Tad! I will say a prayer for you. Don't think of the sitch, this is FOR YOU!
And yes, we do cycle too. But a lot of times, it is because we let them drag us down, or else some other WAS related issue we have makes us feel down. or up.
Once you let go, it will be a lot less.... just your normal rythm (and we all do have those as well, right?)
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I'm late commenting on your meeting with her since my internet was down y-day due to storms but thought I'd respond to your meeting. First, I assumed that you were having a structured meeting with her--like with a lawyer, since this was supposed to be on legal stuff, right? Ok, I assumed wrong.
Second, it's my opinion that if you have to meet with her on anything legal, that you MUST have a 3rd party present. If you are at a stage where you are trying to negotiate this stuff without lawyers, you need a third party there. A friend. Someone who is calm, doesn't push buttons, just a presence.
Why? Because you are meeting to discuss legal arrangements and it's devolving into relationship talk, during which she is tearing you up one side and down another. Most people "don't go there" if another party is present. They summon the decorum to be more civil if they're being watched. If you do not start putting a third party there, your meetings with her will go the same as this one EVERY time.
You have got to stop giving her the opportunity to hurt you. You said you know that you feel better when you don't have contact, but you miss her. Think about that. You miss the OLD HER. You don't miss this version.
The old her is gone. FOR NOW. Possibly FOREVER. I know that hurts, Tad, I know it. But the sooner you can understand that, the better for you. Even if the old her suddenly inexplicably reappeared tomorrow, or in the midst of one of these awful conversations, would you trust her? Would you just take her back and say "ok, water under the bridge, temporary insanity, let's just go back to how we were before things went bad." It would then crumble again, eventually.
I think that we hang on to seeing the exes when we know they really are hurting us because we fool ourselves into thinking that if they went crazy overnight, they can become sane overnight. But it doesn't happen.
Miss her all you want. Cry, scream, look at old pics, etc. Write her love letters you never send. But do NOT think that seeing her is going to fix the feeling of missing her. It will only make things worse.
Lastly, I know it helps you to write down everything she says, but really, think about the energy it's taking for you to hear it and to remember it SO clearly. My impression is that in your mind you are trying to build a case that she has or doesn't have MLC, and to that end, you're taking the opportunity when you see her to "collect evidence" by way of memorizing everything she says. After you post it, you go back later and post more things if you forgot them. Do you see how this is hurting you? This process? You're fixated on HER words, HER meaning, and you're taking YOUR energy to memorize and then kick it all back out, where you can read it over and over if you choose.
You are punishing yourself, Tad. Stop it.
In summary:
When she talks, have a third party present. This should cut down on what she says.
The second one negative thing comes out of her mouth, your goal should be to internally say "la la la I can't hear you" and create some sort of white noise so you don't memorize it.
Unless it's TRULY life, death, or the terms of a divorce settlement, do not interact with her. AT ALL. Interacting with her will NOT change the course of events right now. It will only prolong your agony.
GOOD LUCK WITH THE JOB INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
The red shoes comment is priceless. But I'm curious... if you wear them, do you have to share the car with others?
You are gaining perspective Tad. You are seeing the craziness. You are seeing that she is not the person you loved but rather something/someone else. I can tell you I heard almost every bit of those things word for word at some point so far. If it helps.
Good luck!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
