Can I save my marriage? (long; please be patient)

[~ kd ~]

Nice. So when following your journey (unexpected, but a journey for you, nonetheless), these would be GAL and 180s which will be for your benefit...

And if the secondary benefit is your W finds that attractive and wants to take another look at staying M... then at least you can make that choice if it happens and you still want it...

And yes, the WAS will see our changes as temporary, for any number of reasons. Which is why it's so important that these changes "stick", rather than "trick". They are for us and for real and permanent.

And here's what's cool...

she might be "living the life"...

but you are...

Living Life...

two VERY different things...

[♪CS♪]

So I'm now committing to trying to pull myself out of the funk. I plan to use this to kind of vent when I want to reach out and maybe even digitally journal the progression of things but listening to all of your stories and words of wisdom is encouragement that no matter what, I'll be ok.

Sounds like a plan.

Let her go.

Work on yourself.

Don't worry at all right now if she sees the changes. One, it is too early for her to care, and two, you're not ready. Just keep doing the work for now. It should be plenty to keep you busy.

If you feel like contacting her. Post here.

If you feel angry. Post here.

If you feel sad. Post here.

[MadeToSucceed]

Not doing too well tonight. I feel silly sometimes because I'm nowhere near as far along in my process as many of the DBers on the board. I feel like I'm just complaining. It's hard for me to understand how my W has been able to just keep on trucking along and smiling for pictures to update on her statuses and stuff and here I am in complete shambles. My ego is hurt too because I know she's just telling people who ask about us that we're going through a divorce and of course she leaves the part out about what she's doing out.

I talked to a friend the other day who was wondering what was going on and he was honest with me that he really felt at first glance that I had done something. It just [censored] that people that have been apart of our lives will be looking at me as if I did something. She chooses to leave as many people in the dark with this whole thing as possible. I think she honestly thought it was just going to be a quick process to get me out of her life and she'd just get to keep it moving. Now it's like she expects me to keep her secret or something and when bits of the situation starts to come out, she blames me for people knowing.

I find myself looking back on this process and wondering if I messed up talking to anyone about it (initially I was just trying to find help from anyone that could send it my way) and she even has me wondering if I made a mistake taking money from one of our accounts when I realized she was shutting me off from them. I guess I'm just hearing her voice in my head telling me "every time I got ready to or thought about coming back...." - essentially she blames me for the reason why she can't turn around. First it was me talking to people. Then it was because I wrote a letter trying to draw a line in the sand. Then it was the money. It's always one thing after the next.

I guess I had a small victory today though. I refrained from messaging her. Gotta start somewhere I guess.

[MadeToSucceed]

Are there any successful stories of H's who had W's have an affair, file for D and the H was able to successfully DB? Preferably I'm trying to find some stories with no kids. The reason I say this is as tough as I'm sure it is, it seems like the people with kids still HAVE to have some interaction with their S and as a result, the S is able to see what they're missing at times and have some involvement. In my sitch, no kids means no real reason for her to contact me. And she doesn't. Just trying to figure out how to DB while thousands of miles away and only communicating via text.

[jbnati]

It's hard for me to understand how my W has been able to just keep on trucking along and smiling for pictures to update on her statuses and stuff and here I am in complete shambles.

It's highly unlikely this is not affecting her like she's portraying on the outside.

It sounds like you're spending too much time worrying about what she is doing ot not doing. You can't control what she does. You can only control yourself.

Don't second guess yourself either. What's done is done. You have an opportunity every day now to make the right decisions. You won't be perfect. None of are. We all make mistakes along the way.

You're formulating a good game plan. Stick with it.

I guess I had a small victory today though. I refrained from messaging her. Gotta start somewhere I guess.

Good job. I know that was difficult for you.

[♪CS♪]

I feel silly sometimes because I'm nowhere near as far along in my process as many of the DBers on the board

You just started! Look at the timelines on this board. This takes TIME.

My ego is hurt too

Understandable. So, don't identify yourself with your ego.

people that have been apart of our lives will be looking at me as if I did something.

You are not your ego, and you are also not what people think of you.

I find myself looking back on this process and wondering

The past only has the power we give it. It has no power of it's own.

I guess I'm just hearing her voice in my head telling me "every time I got ready to or thought about coming back...." - essentially she blames me for the reason why she can't turn around. First it was me talking to people. Then it was because I wrote a letter trying to draw a line in the sand. Then it was the money. It's always one thing after the next.

It is bad enough to listen to our own voice in our head. Don't listen to hers.

I guess I had a small victory today though. I refrained from messaging her. Gotta start somewhere I guess.

Good start.

Look, this is only my opinion. And I admit, it has changed a lot over the course of my own journey.

You cannot even really begin this process until you really let yourself accept the facts, and then let yourself look at them for what they are.

Don't "dwell," but understand. Accept what is.

Then, you are in a position to act with sound mind.

To be more blunt for a minute, the texts, the friendliness, the telling her this, telling her that, it will not help. She in an active A. That just is. That is acceptance.

Let me ask you this, if you were having an active A, and your W knew. How would you perceive your actions if the roles were reversed?

What would you consider to be strong and confident?

True love can be shown in many different ways. Trying to change her mind through 'antics' does not show true love. It shows insecurity, lack of acceptance, lack of confidence, etc, etc.

I believe you do really love this women, that is why I think most of us are here. What we often learn though, is a very different way in expressing it.

There is a powerful part in DR, and I am going to paraphrase and I am sure butcher it, but here I go.

The part talks about becoming ourselves again. That this depression, this sorrow, this insecurity, this is NOT us. This is reacting to a situation. This is because we are attached to the situation, but it is not US.

So, I guess to summarize this post that I never expected to be so long.

Find yourself again. That is the first step. You can not improve YOU. Until you find YOU.

[GAL Man]

Following on from what country posted, I posted something like below on johnnie1 thread, hope it can help

DETATCH, DETATCH, DETATCH

Bloody hard, but you MUST DO IT, or work to it. Do not try to do it, do it....... Trying presupposes failure, so as Yoda says, "no, try not, do or do not, there is no try"

Let go of what you have no control over, you control YOU. Ask yourself these questions (these are some of the ones I asked myself)

1) Who is mgm?
What I mean by this is not the person you had became, not the person you were at the end of the marriage, and not the person you portray now, but who is the real mgm, what wonderful traits did you have when you first met W, what makes you tick. Think who you really are. You are a lot more confident deep down aren’t you.

2) Acceptance (this is just the start of this one!)
Recognise your faults, how you contributed to the failure of the marriage. Acknowledge them, accept them and own them. Learn from them, but don't dwell on them. Only then will you be able to forgive yourself and others and move forward.

3) What do you want? (Different to need, but some may be the same)
You only get one chance at life, and most experts say one major f up/mistake. What do you want out of life? What makes you happy? Where do you want to be? What vision do you have for this? How will you get to this vision?

4) GAL
How can you enjoy life, think of activities on your own, with friends etc etc etc

Do what works, do not do what does not work, like the books and good peps here say

Say to yourself over and over to start believing it, “no matter what happens I can handle it”

[MadeToSucceed]

[quote]Let me ask you this, if you were having an active A, and your W knew. How would you perceive your actions if the roles were reversed?

What would you consider to be strong and confident?

True love can be shown in many different ways. Trying to change her mind through 'antics' does not show true love. It shows insecurity, lack of acceptance, lack of confidence, etc, etc.

I try to ask myself that and I guess it is so difficult for me because despite my own faults I just truly can not picture myself putting her through what she is putting me through. That being said, for the sake of role playing, I'd probably be wondering what was my W thinking and surely she had to be a fool...but I think I would only be thinking that way because I was "that far gone" and in a pretty bad place myself.

And I suppose the last portion is what I'm starting to get...at least I think. I'm showing her that I'll take her back no matter what. That I'm here. That I NEED her. While OM is probably able to show a persona that is much less "needy." As a result, she doesn't respect me and thinks I'm a begger and who wants to be with someone that is like that.

So I get what you're saying Country. I have to get back to being a confident person in myself. Being true to myself...somewhat independent of her. My sitch, despite how long it may progress, is only temporary. The pain, the depression, the sadness...that stuff doesn't define me so I can't operate like it does.

[MadeToSucceed]

Do what works, do not do what does not work, like the books and good peps here say

Say to yourself over and over to start believing it, “no matter what happens I can handle it”

Real sound info all around. I especially like the last part. For whatever reason, I just continue to beat up on myself and I have got to stop doing that. My mom used to tell me there are enough people who will kick you in life when you're down, no use in kicking yourself.

I've been through things in the past that, at the time, I felt were the hardest thing I'd ever been through and yet I came out on the other side of it and I'm still here. This thing won't break me.

[MadeToSucceed]

Ok...so there's a development and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. My grandfather and my W always had a great relationship and it has pained him that she hasn't reached out to him during this process. It is natural that she wouldn't IMO. She doesn't want to deal with the guilt.

Well yesterday, my grandfather (we, including my W, call him PawPaw) tells me he called and left her a voicemail. He told me he said to her "Hey W, I hope you're doing well. This is PawPaw. Just wanted you to know that whatever happens with this thing you'll always have a special place in my heart and you'll always be my #1 granddaughter-in-law. Take care. Love you." Now the irony in this is that my W is his ONLY granddaughter-in-law but you get my point. I wasn't upset or anything when he told me because he's grown and he can do as he pleases and I didn't really see anything wrong with the message. I didn't instruct him to do it (although I could see how she might perceive it that way). Anyways...here's the development part.

This morning (about 30 minutes ago) she just text messaged me:

"Your PawPaw called me at some point yesterday. Left me a voicemail. I appreciate he and your mom reaching out."

Now earlier in the process (back in May), I know my mom reached out to her via text in similar fashion. I guess I just don't know if I should respond and if I do, how.

Part of me wants to let her know I didn't ask them to do that because I didn't. Part of me wants to ask what was said (even though I think I know what my grandfather said). I don't know. This is the first time she has contacted me on her own and not just been responding to something I've sent but it's about something in particular. Should I respond and if so, how?