WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

Well.. what goes up must come down.

This morning was rough - nothing directed/communicated to W, but just feeling mopish, self-pitying, and a very low sense of worth. Looking for a job is just straight-up disheartening and I have no real network to speak of in this city - I never knew I was going to need to create one when I got here!

It gets ugly because I then start to mix up my need for survival/income/etc w/ the 'partnership' I had with my W, and how the position I'm in is in many ways a result of the way we had been living and moving from city to city in support of her success while I put my own needs on the back burner. Then I think about how much SIMPLER it would be to JUST change careers or JUST be getting divorced rather than both at once. And then it confuses things -- do I want her back just because it would be easier? To what extent does that play a role in things? Is it just about avoiding more change or is it just about loving her? How would I act differently if I had a job I was going to and felt a little more financially stable? How would I act differently if she was here and I didn't have to deal w/ both of these things at once? What would that feel like?

I think there is a part of me that fears the ugliness that may come from requesting spousal support, and another part of me has compassion for the 'pain' it will cause her. But I also feel like I need to be compassionate towards myself and recognize that I am also experiencing pain and I am in a far worse earning-position than she is at the moment, as we moved here (and the place before here, and the place before that..) for HER gig and I didn't have anything going for me. Another part wonders if it would be just another nail in the coffin...

Is it even realistic to think that she would really change enough for me to feel good about our marriage again? I know its a possibility, but is it at all a probability? What would motivate her to change? Is she really going to look inside herself and say "Holy cr@p I've been a really self-absorbed person!" When she has a support system (family) and people enabling her (friends) to do the things she is doing..?

What motivation does she actually have other than the possibility that she a) recognizes that I am not the person she was framing me as in her head for the past year or b) recognizes that her behavior is hurting her and getting in the way of a more authentic happiness?

Right now what I know is that she filed for D, and has only communicated in the briefest of terms. I know that we haven't spoken in nearly three weeks. As much as I am often okay with it, there is also times when I'm not okay with it and really miss her and having that companion. Even if its been kind of imaginary in some ways this year.. We never went a day w/o talking to each other for almost 9 years and its tough not to have that in my life right now.

I feel like I should respond/acknowledge my
W's email/text at some point soon. She might not even get them as I'm pretty sure she is on a vacation w/ her S this week. My intention would be to say "Thanks.. I had a great time and B/SIL are wonderful people."

I don't want to shut a door by just not responding.

Got back into town and W had left a cable bill in my mailbox and had removed the Change of address sticker from it. Continuing this weird thing of 'hiding' from me. I still find that a little insulting even if I know its her own drama.