Dazed and confused...

[~ kd ~]

kinda joking here... I don't have to read it...

ummm... letter sending is generally frowned upon...

Writing letters is ok, if you just write it... then throw it away...

If you do send... short and sweet...

"HONEYDO, I love you and wish we were back together, I have no idea why you won't do what I say or ask. What's wrong with you?"

or

"Loveydovey, I love you, I'm so sorry, I did everything wrong and wish you'd take me back, oh please, please, please..."

Those will generally not get you too far.

But something like:

"I just wanted to say that I've been thinking alot about how I have become someone that was not quite me, any more. I apologize for how you have felt about me or my behaviours. I appreciate I had the opportunity to be with you. Salutations."

You can pick amongst those...

Sorry if I'm making light. I understand that you are feeling emotional. None of this is ever good. But we learn, we grow, and things get better.

[♪CS♪]

cali22,

One thing I am not clear on, is your W still having an active A?

[lstincali22]

Kaffe understood, thanks,
Country as far as I know she is not but that's not necessarily the truth. She may have gotten better at hiding it. I am operating as if she is not.

[♪CS♪]

Well cali, I guess it's one of two things then. Either she has just had, or she is having a PA.

Now, I know there are a lot of words in your letter that talk about letting go, moving on, etc.

But you know that's not the case. You know what you want from the letter.

It screams "TAKE ME BACK! TAKE ME BACK!"

I see it.

Your W will see it.

And you know it.

So. Given the facts.

Is that the action of a strong and confident man?

[lstincali22]

Country your right about the letter, she's not getting it. As for the PA could you elaborate?

[♪CS♪]

As for the PA could you elaborate?

I'm not sure I understand the question. Elaborate on what?

[lstincali22]

Sorry other than the PA I already know about, why do you think she is either having or just had one.

[♪CS♪]

Sorry I wasn't clear. I wasn't trying to speculate.

I was only referring to the PA you already mentioned. I asked if you knew if it had stopped, and I believe you said you thought so, but wasn't sure.

So my only point is it is one of two things, either had, or having.

The point of this is not to dwell on it.

It is to understand and accept.

I believe if you do so. It becomes easier to understand how to move forward.

So you didn't send the letter?

If so, good.

One thing I know I did many times through this is write letters that I never sent. Good way to get this stuff out.

I think one of the reasons I resisted as long as I did was I blocked emotion rather than feeling it, processing it, and moving past it.

So don't block you feelings.

Just don't let them control you. Don't let them make you do something you'll regret.

Use this place to get them out.

Use a journal.

Write the letters then tear them up.

But keep moving forward. Don't attach yourself to these feelings. They are not you.

Ultimately, you seek to find yourself again. At that point. You can decide what you need to do to save your M.

Hang tough.

[lstincali22]

Thanks Country, I wrote in a journal until I got to the point that I felt I had come to terms with the PA.

I have since decided to work through whatever feelings came up. One of my biggest personal issues was I would always run away from whatever I was feeling or cloaked it in anger.

I was always afraid of being vulnerable, that is no longer the case. I just don't immediately act on those feelings.

I have been thinking about a few things, one complaint that my W had was that I would only show her affection in the bedroom.

She felt that I was ashamed to be with her. which of course was never the case. If i'm not supposed to be hanging all over her how can I show her that things can and will be different?

How can I show her that SHE means the world to me and I don't want to stay together just for the sake of the kids?


I am getting frustrated and need to keep finding a way to keep my hope alive.

there have been more and more days that I feel like telling her to get her stuff and leave so I can just move past all of this and move on with my life. I know I'll get the " what's keeping you from moving on" but really I guess I'm just venting.

I know if I would like this to work I have to be prepared for the marathon, but, this is exhausting!

on a happier note I spent most of yesterday fishing with S9. It was a great day, we didn't catch much but we had a wonderful time together.

Today we have a party to go to, ALL of us. This should be interesting....

[lstincali22]

Another weekend gone, Saturday was our anniversary didn't feel like anything at all.I gave W a card with the line still worth remembering written it and that was it.

The boys had a great time at SS14 team party. W was there as well. We didn't talk to each other very much but there were other parents there that we have known for years so it was easy to just relax and have a good time.

Sometime during the party I put my hand on W back and got "the Look" this was the worst one I had ever seen! I felt as if she was disgusted by my touch.

When we returned home I let W know that that I relized that I had touched her back and appologized for doing so. I told her I had not relized before that evening that she was disgusted with my touch.

She told me that digust is a harsh word that she would not use to describe how she felt.

She said that she doesn't understand how I expect her to just feel OK with me wanting to show her affection after i've picked her up and then knocked her down so many times. She doesn't undestand how I can expect her to just run into my arms and feel safe after the things that I have said to her.

I just listened to her, I told her that I understood and that by no means do I expect her to run into my arms. The conversation then lead into how uncomfortable things are with the way we are living. I asked if she would feel better If I would move out.

Her response was " I can't afford this place" I told her I would still pay for much of it, I want the boys to be comfortable. W said that it is not something she expects me to do.

I then asked her if she feels her life will be better without me in it and her response was "no, but there would be a lot less tension. I responded with " our life could have a lot less tension in it if we just let some things go." she said it was easier said than done.

I let the conversation die there.



Sunday after church W went to the beach with S9 he wanted me to go with them. I decided to wait for SS14 to get out of his HS church group so I could take him and two of his friends.

Not a bad time at all W was civil and actually spoke to me. there was a point that she needed to go to the bathroom, which was 2 blocks away, W asked S9 if he wanted to go with her he of course said no. I told her I would walk with her wile XSIL watched the kids. W said OK. we exchanged some small talk about the kids and the beautiful weather as we walked.

When we got back she said, "Thanks for going bodyguard." I laughed and said, "your welcome."

I then told her, " I'm trying W." she responded with," I know you are."

I left it at that. I have never been much of a beach person so I never went with the family.

I had some bad experiences as a kid and didn't like going very much. She always felt that I didn't want to be seen with her.

I had forgotten how calmimg the crashing of the waves can be and how relaxing it can be to sit there doing nothing.


It was a good day overall. I had a good time joking around with SS14 and his friends while driving and just as good a time siting on the beach with W as we watched the boys boogie board and skin board.

I'm not sure if this is leading anywhere, and I really don't care I'm just glad we all had a good,fun day.