Can I save my marriage? (long; please be patient)

[jbnati]

I definitely am trying to find more church activities to get into. My biggest issue right now is that I'm in graduate school so I have night class 8-10pm Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I was in a men's group that met every Wed night until summer started. Luckily I'll get to get back into that on August 3rd. I'm involved in Big Brothers Big Sisters but even that has been difficult because my Little often asks about W. We joined as a Big Couple. I don't want to let my Little down so I continue trying to be there for him even though W hasn't contacted him in months now.

Sounds like you have a good start. I would count the grad school as GAL'ing - you're getting out of the house. Stick with the BBBS thing. Proabably the worst thing you can do right now is stay alone in an empty house.

[♪CS♪]

mgm, man, I feel for you, I really do.

You need to back WAY off.

You're head is spinning, and it will continue to for as long as you try to control the situation.

What is your true motivation behind sending her all the scriptures?

Do you think it will "awaken" her?

I know how hard it is, and I know it will take many times before it sinks in. Just keep getting bits at a time.

For now, until you pull yourself out of the funk, until you start being the man you want to be, it will be extremely painful.

Do whatever you can to treat yourself well right now. Get yourself healthy.

[MadeToSucceed]

Sounds like you have a good start. I would count the grad school as GAL'ing - you're getting out of the house. Stick with the BBBS thing. Proabably the worst thing you can do right now is stay alone in an empty house.

The reason grad school doesn't feel like GAL'ing is because I'm still so consumed with it in my thoughts. I literally can be sitting in accounting or marketing and start thinking of her. I somehow made a 99 on my marketing exam and the first person I wanted to share it with was her but then I also knew I "couldn't."

[jbnati]

Yeah, I hear ya. Been there. Congratulations on the 99, BTW! It's kind of like GAL'ing, but it's really not much different than going to work.

[MadeToSucceed]

Ha! Well get this! I WORK in the undergraduate department of the College of Business at the University I'm doing my MBA in. So I literally advise undergrads all day, close the door to my office, change clothes, sometimes nap or work on schoolwork (or here lately, read) and then go to class. I'm on campus (which is my place of work) from 8am until 10:15pm Monday through Thursday.

Like you said. Not much different from work.

[MadeToSucceed]

mgm, man, I feel for you, I really do.

You need to back WAY off.

You're head is spinning, and it will continue to for as long as you try to control the situation.

What is your true motivation behind sending her all the scriptures?

Do you think it will "awaken" her?

I know how hard it is, and I know it will take many times before it sinks in. Just keep getting bits at a time.

For now, until you pull yourself out of the funk, until you start being the man you want to be, it will be extremely painful.

Do whatever you can to treat yourself well right now. Get yourself healthy.

Country,

Thanks for your words. I struggle with the answer to the question you asked me internally. On one hand I feel like it is still my duty as a husband to be a spiritual covering for my wife. On another hand, subconsciously I want her to see my deepened faith and either be "awakened" by it or notice the change within me. I know the latter of those two motivations is definitely not the right way to go about it but I have to be honest and recognize that is partially why I had been doing it. The reason I truly want to always be the case is that I want to provide her encouragement as well during this...if she says her hamstring is sore, I try to find something that will give her some comfort other than the old version of me telling her everything she needs to do to prevent it (one of my flaws: I'm a fixer)...and maybe that is where I'm failing. I still think so much about her feelings because in a sense, I feel like that is my obligation as a husband (at least according to my faith).

It's interesting because I just got back from bible study at my church during my lunch and I came to the realization that spiritually, I haven't truly given my situation to God because I keep on trying to change it. I've said all the right things and my heart is in the right place but I've kept my "hands" on the sitch through my actions. In truth, I thinking "letting go and letting God" is basically LRT. Backing off, not only for my piece of mind but also so that God can actually handle the sitch. I'm not sure how much religious talk is "allowed" on the boards so I don't mean to step on any toes but in all honesty my faith is more important to me than anything now so it is hard for me to NOT speak from that basis.

So I'm now committing to trying to pull myself out of the funk. I plan to use this to kind of vent when I want to reach out and maybe even digitally journal the progression of things but listening to all of your stories and words of wisdom is encouragement that no matter what, I'll be ok. Obviously I want to be ok with my wife but I guess it's just coming to grips with the fact that it simply will not be on my time.

[~ kd ~]

Pulling just ONE thing out of the above...

Being a fixer is not necessarily a flaw...

It's just... you can't "fix" your W... understand...?

You can "fix" the toilet, you can "fix" the car, you can "fix" the books... well, don't do that, it's probably illegal...

You can "fix" you... but only in the context of you...

So be a fixer... and fix things... make that part of your GAL that has absolutely NOTHING to do with your W or your M...

[MadeToSucceed]

I guess I understand what you mean KD. I meant to say the flaw is me trying to "fix" my W. That's what I know I need to focus on is me but that's also my biggest struggle is realizing I can't change my W and being "ok" with that.

[~ kd ~]

Sure, I get what you mean by it being a flaw... let me put it to you another way...

Wanting to "fix" your wife is not a flaw. You love her... You want her to be well, and happy, and all those things that we all want for our spouses... that's human... and of course, you want to "fix" her so that she'll decide to stay with you... that's normal, as well.

While it's semantics, wanting your W to be happy and stay with you is natural.

Here's the thing, because it could be seen and done in a manipulative way, and that is not so good.

The two of you liked each other, once. She fell in love with you... Leopards don't change their spots, although they might fade over time a bit...

Who were you back when you met your W? When you were courting her? How have you "changed"? (You may need to dig to figure that out) And what can you do to be that person again and then be so much more...?

Make sense?

[MadeToSucceed]

Makes perfect sense. And in a sense I can't go back to some of those things I was when we met because at the time I was just an immature 19 year old kid in college but I get what you're saying.

I've done some internal digging and tried to get back to the root of some of who "I am." In other regards, I'm also just at a different phase in life where many of the superficial things that once mattered to me don't anymore.

But I think I understand fully what you're saying. I definitely don't want to come off as manipulative and that is certainly not my intent. There are changes I've made and want to continue to make, not just to "get her back" but because they are the right thing to do and they will make me a better person.

The one thing I'm pretty confident of is that the people that actually have her ear are probably trying to convince her that these "changes" are temporary. It is always good to have sound counsel around you and I just can say she has that right now...her family included. She's "living the life" right now so to speak and with her being so far away and basically not giving a damn about what is going on in my world, it's hard for her to "see" for herself on a daily basis and be able to actual judge the situation.