Divorce on the horizon?

[AntoniaB]

I'm late commenting on your meeting with her since my internet was down y-day due to storms but thought I'd respond to your meeting. First, I assumed that you were having a structured meeting with her--like with a lawyer, since this was supposed to be on legal stuff, right? Ok, I assumed wrong.

Second, it's my opinion that if you have to meet with her on anything legal, that you MUST have a 3rd party present. If you are at a stage where you are trying to negotiate this stuff without lawyers, you need a third party there. A friend. Someone who is calm, doesn't push buttons, just a presence.

Why? Because you are meeting to discuss legal arrangements and it's devolving into relationship talk, during which she is tearing you up one side and down another. Most people "don't go there" if another party is present. They summon the decorum to be more civil if they're being watched. If you do not start putting a third party there, your meetings with her will go the same as this one EVERY time.

You have got to stop giving her the opportunity to hurt you. You said you know that you feel better when you don't have contact, but you miss her. Think about that. You miss the OLD HER. You don't miss this version.

The old her is gone. FOR NOW. Possibly FOREVER. I know that hurts, Tad, I know it. But the sooner you can understand that, the better for you. Even if the old her suddenly inexplicably reappeared tomorrow, or in the midst of one of these awful conversations, would you trust her? Would you just take her back and say "ok, water under the bridge, temporary insanity, let's just go back to how we were before things went bad." It would then crumble again, eventually.

I think that we hang on to seeing the exes when we know they really are hurting us because we fool ourselves into thinking that if they went crazy overnight, they can become sane overnight. But it doesn't happen.

Miss her all you want. Cry, scream, look at old pics, etc. Write her love letters you never send. But do NOT think that seeing her is going to fix the feeling of missing her. It will only make things worse.

Lastly, I know it helps you to write down everything she says, but really, think about the energy it's taking for you to hear it and to remember it SO clearly. My impression is that in your mind you are trying to build a case that she has or doesn't have MLC, and to that end, you're taking the opportunity when you see her to "collect evidence" by way of memorizing everything she says. After you post it, you go back later and post more things if you forgot them. Do you see how this is hurting you? This process? You're fixated on HER words, HER meaning, and you're taking YOUR energy to memorize and then kick it all back out, where you can read it over and over if you choose.

You are punishing yourself, Tad. Stop it.

In summary:

When she talks, have a third party present. This should cut down on what she says.

The second one negative thing comes out of her mouth, your goal should be to internally say "la la la I can't hear you" and create some sort of white noise so you don't memorize it.

Unless it's TRULY life, death, or the terms of a divorce settlement, do not interact with her. AT ALL. Interacting with her will NOT change the course of events right now. It will only prolong your agony.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE JOB INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!