Three years ago.................

[ddstartingover]

Jack, Mach - No, I'm no pining away. I did for probably the first 6 months, but life doesn't allow for much of that. I live. I cope. I handle everything thrown my way when it hits......whether it be floods in the house, minor and major maintenance, 3 major surgeries for kids over the past 2 years or a graduating senior preparing for college. Emotionally I'm on my own with all of that, and it's hard. Very hard.

Any major changes in ME since 2007 or 2009? What have I done for me? I don't know. I'm still working on that. I went from being a stay at home mom and working part-time for H to a full time working mother. I've attempted different things to occupy my time....new hobbies.....I read more than I did. Mostly my focus is on my kids and doing for them when I'm not at work...or mowing grass or shoveling snow. My two younger kids play competitive ball, and if I'm not at a ballgame, or a practice, I play catch up. I think I'm more patient. I am more flexible than I used to be (not physically......)....not always by choice. I take things as they happen and roll with the flow. I survive. I was never "dependent" on H. I've always been able to do most everything that needed to be done, and that continues.

I don't pine away.......but I haven't actively tried to "find me, who I am and what I want for my future." I know I'm different. Heck, when I first came here I didn't think I could live without H. I didn't want to most days. Life with him was all I knew and ever wanted in my life. Now I know that I can survive, and I do go days without wishing he was back. Not weeks yet, but I'm sure I'll get there. I enjoy my kids. I do find happiness being a family of 4 (even though it feels wrong). I work to make their lives as normal as possible and as I prepare to send my oldest to college, I know my time with them isn't forever, so I will continue to put them first.

I work to be the best person I can be, which I think I've always done. Other than a few close friends, I've let H keep his "secret." I've worked to keep his relationship with the kids the best it can be, and at times it has been a struggle - but I believe it's important, and whether he wants my help or not - he gets it.

I remember early on when I wrote that I didn't know who I was without my H I was told how lucky I was to have the opportunity to find out. I still don't fee lucky. I do look forward, but nothing is in focus at this point......and my past looks cloudier every day.

"MY" marriage is over when I say it is? I don't know about that. I'll need some help on that one, because it seems pretty impossible to be married by myself. BUT I do still wear my wedding ring, so................

Mint- thanks for your kind thoughts. In a way I "knew" that if my H left our home he wouldn't be back, but I kept "hoping" for a very long time.