Don't know where I am

[angel61]

OOps, I hit submit too soon. I was going to write in the 6th paragraph .... is this real detachment?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

W: Well, we really don't know what's going to happen. She doesn't know me, she doesn't know our marriage, she's only had 2 sessions with you. We don't know. I mean I hope we can use this to build a better marriage, but no one knows.

W: I'm not telling you I'm done.

hrnmmm...as in: Things that make one go hrnmmm.

[Harrier]

dammit jack,

i wanna take a break..especially after my hissy fit, but you keep posting stuff like this.

I feel like Richard Gere in 'An Officer and a Gentlemen.'

"I got nowhere else to go."

could you s'plain please or expand on what you meant?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Angel,

It sounds like you are dettached.

The proof however is in how you FEEL.

The deffinition is also highly subjective.

To me, it meant their good/bad/whatever day did not impact mine. Their drama no longer sucked me in, and I didn't care what they did. I didn't DO things with an eye on it having an effect on her.

But that was my definition.

What is yours?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

dammit jack,

i wanna take a break..especially after my hissy fit, but you keep posting stuff like this.

I feel like Richard Gere in 'An Officer and a Gentlemen.'

"I got nowhere else to go."

could you s'plain please or expand on what you meant?

If you wanted to you would. : )

I'll stop tempting you...or baiting you.

Her words basically from that context do not sound anything like:

"This is over, I like this IC! I feel so much better about all of this!"

[Harrier]

I swear if I didn't know any better, I'd think she's trying to DB me.

We had another talk after dinner. Dets later.

1. She basically said if I can't stand the limbo, I have a course of action. It's in my power. She won't stand in my way, but isn't going to help. (where have I heard that before)

2. She said something that I haven't heard for a while - she wants this to work out.

3. She admitted she isn't working on the M now but said there would be a time for that. After we got settled in with our ICs.

4. To your point. I don't think she likes my IC that much.

to the moving out thing. Still on, but she said something interesting during the talk. She said she was very unsure of her decision (remember me saying she was adamant) to the point where she thought it might not be a good idea and maybe she was overreacting. Until our MC told her it was a good idea, that helped her clear her mind on it.
I remember, I kinda encouraged her to see the MC. Get what you pay for I guess, but it was a good thing.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

This is going to seem like I'm beating you up a little bit. If you take it that way, I understand, however I'd rather you think about it for a bit instead and not see it as an attack.

I'll start with a little supposition on my part.

Your later life is one of entitlement. You might have been poor and clawed your way up and worked for everything you have. But once there, you don't wait for anything, you no longer have to. You did your time, and you can and are allowed to enjoy this. Its not a bad thing, but it hurts you right now with your wife.

You want a marriage or her to be working on it, she says she can't do that now...so she is denying/defying you; not something that you're used to, I believe.

The other part:

I think you are wallowing. We all hit a 'poor me' aspect. "Why isn't it different? Why can't it be better?"

When we hit this...wall. (running term, right?) We almost don't want to see the good signs. Maybe we cannot.

"Why can't you just let me wallow? Why can't you just tell me this blows and I'm right?"

Maybe you want her to reassure you? Don't do that.

More than enough people, friends and family will tell you to move on to make themselves feel better about you not hurting. But I think you have it in your to suffer through limbo, to suffer through 'the unknown' and that is all it is, not knowing the outcome of you and your wife until one is reached.

Right now? It is not yes lets be married, it is not no...from the words she has said, I feel it is more yes than no.

[XYZ]

You could have written that to me too, I think.

[Harrier]

The only quibble I have with your assessment is that I'm not like that about everything.

I hate to go back to this but running. I want to run PRs and run races and win awards. I have to wait for that. I have to put the work in that isn't coming to me.

Most material things I do that to. I rarely have to "have it now" In fact, I have a little self imposed rule that I wait on it for a day or so and if I go back and I really want it. I'll buy it.

At work, I don't expect our legal assistant to drop everything to the stuff I ask her. I let her do it on her own time frame (within limits)

With this...I guess you could say there is a sense of entitlement. (But I am used to her defying me :-))

I always think about something you said to someone else

something effect that anyone would walk on fire (coals, etc) for their spouse, if they knew they'd be on the other side.
But would they still walk on the fire, if there was no guarantee they'd be on the other side?

24-hrs from Monday eve to yesterday eve was bad. I got caught too much in what my IC said. She was doing what my family friends would do.

My W gave me some advice on how to deal with this. I need my IC to challenge me more and tell her it's okay to do so.

That's why i like your advice and think you'd be great at this. You have no problem challenging me or X or anyone. There are a lot of people here like that and I see that as a huge value to this site.

today is much better.

[Harrier]

You could have written that to me too, I think.

you were poor too?