I'm back from my SS14 Baseball tourny, It's got me thinking that I'm actually really lonely, for close companionship. I'm seriously thinking about moving out,and moving on completely. A year and a half of this has grown old and tiring. Why should I continue putting myself through this? I am feeling less and less hopeful everyday. Whats worse is I'm really feeling as if I just don't care...
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
I had an interesting text exchange with W today, has Nothing to do with R or M but about SS14. When we were leaving the BB tournament yesterday the coaches had set up a time to meet to carpool back for today's game. Both W and I work and it is a 2 hour commute to the game so I asked another parent that is a close friend if he would be able to give SS a ride if necessary he said no problem!
I sent W a text stating that SS had to leave at 2 and that our friend said he could take him. She said that she had made arangements at work and she would be able to take him, I said no problem and told my SS that W was taking him that if he wanted to drive up with friend he would need to talk to W.
Well, today at 11 This is the text convo we had:
W: Sarcastic, thanks!!!! SS14 is really under the impression that friend is driving him. His words " I was told that friend could drive me". This is the $hit we were talking about last night. Thank you again for really leaving me out of the loop. He too doesn't even think about S9 or me. WTF!!!! To much selfishness in this situation!
W:forwards a text she sent SS14 S what $ucks out of this whole situation, you never respond to any of my texts... I am the only one in your life that has always been there since the day you were born. I have always given you my all at everything you need. And it breaks my heart to know that you dont want me in your life. I keep trying and all u do is push me away. I love you dearly, always have and always will. Good luck at your game. Play hard.
This is what I sent SS14.... I have lost him to you... This is proof!!!!! It whatever you say he will listen to. Thanks!!!!
ME: I'm really sorry you feel that way, I have not, and I do not want to take SS14 from you. I can completely understand how you feel. I believe that even if I was available to drive he would still attempt to go with someone else. As I told you yesterday there were no plans made for him to go, it was mentioned and that sounded good to SS. I was not trying to undermine anything you had set up. I can understand that you hurt by this, please try and see that he is a teenage boy trying to manipulate the situation so that it suits him. Not me, not you, him. We can easily make this about you and I but I choose not to. If you would like the blame to fall on me, so be it.
W, please don't let him get his way. I know this is difficult but he is acting like a baby throwing a hissy fit. he needs to realize that he cannot get his way when he does this. I had already told him that you had made plans to take him and that there was no need for friend to drive him. If he goes with Friend he will feel like he has the power over everything, please don't let him pull one over on us both.
W: Please set him up w a ride. I am picking up S9. The rest is up to you two, as it was yesterday.... Silly of me to have wanted to be involved as a mother to my child. So you run the show H. I have work to do.
He doesn't need the stress before the game as he does not need the stress of the details I shared with you!!!!
M: I am done with this. You and SS14 need to deal with the issues between you two. I will no longer attempt to have some sort of option set up to try make it easier on us both. We step in and help other parents all the time, they often offer to help us. I had simply made sure we had another option available to us.
YOU are making the choice to blame me for the relationship you have with SS14, that's fine. I will no longer make any parenting decisions in regards to him. All I have done is be a father to him and you find fault in that. I no longer want to be involved in this at all.
W: As I mentioned this is something you started yesterday... Please find him a ride. I am not blaming the relationship, I am stating what occurred and what he heard yesterday... I was not there. All I will do is drop him off at in n out.
M: I was clear in my communication to him I was clear that you were taking him, he chose to manipulate, you chose to bite. I am no longer going to find myself getting beat up by both of you by getting caught up the middle.
It ended there no response from her I hope they figure it out. I feel like I did well in communicating with her any feedback?
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
From my seat, the convo sucked. There's a lot of psych that points to either direction. Either be the dad or back off and let SS14 and his mom figure this out.
The question that I would have is, how important is SS14's emotional well being, to you?
There's a reason why organizations like big brother exist. For teens who are going through life's challenges who need support...
So I'd say be there for him, and do what you can to support him, without getting in the way of his R with his mom.
His well being is extremely important to me. I call him SS on here just for technical reasons. In my eyes and his I am his father. This has never been an issue until our sitch got to where it is. Not sure what direction to go with this. My understanding is that if we get D I have no rights to be able to see him
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
My W had an R and D13 was born. I've been her dad since she was 2 and she's legally adopted. So my sitch is a little different, at least for future legal.
But I will always assert my father role with my D13. I love her like my own and will always support her, guide her, be there for her. When she has issues with her mom, I am always there to listen to her and talk to her.
It's all I can do, but I would never walk from that. No matter how I get frustrated when my W and D13's co-dependency kicks in and I just want to get out of the way as they both spew venom at me...
I would just suggest to be the best dad you can be for your SS14, unless the law says otherwise.
If not you, then your SS14 may find his support in other ways, and they might be a lot less healthy than any anger your W has with you because of the R you've formed with him.
Our anniversary is comming up on Saturday. I'm not sure if I should just ignore it. Things seem to be getting worse, in the sense that we don't talk about anything other than the kids.
I guess it's not worse, it just feels that way.
Living together alone is really tough!
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
Thanks again Kaffe, good advice. I'll have to think about it a bit more.
I think that with my anniversary being around the corner I am getting caught in the emotions and not feeling very detached. I am thinking about sending my W This letter not sure if its a good idea, any thoughts?
Hello W,
First off, I know that no matter what I say or do, you will never feel as if I have forgiven you for the decisions you have made and the actions you have taken. If it’s one thing I feel that I have a solid understanding of, is the fact that everyone makes mistakes. Big or small we have all been there. I cannot hold a mistake you made over you. As your Husband, a fellow human being and a believer in Our LORD Jesus, it has been necessary for me to come to terms with what occurred, forgive and let go. That does not mean that the pain doesn’t resurface occasionally, but, the pain is something that I must deal with personally with God as my partner; God makes it so much easier to get through these storms of life.
I have forgiven you. I do not, and will not hold any contempt toward you. I know that the actions and words that came in the months following me learning the entire truth have made you feel as if that was not the case. At that time I allowed my emotions to get the best of me I acted out of anger, fear and despair. That is no longer the case.
Along with forgiveness for you I have learned to forgive myself. It took me far too long to really “hear” what you had been trying to tell me all along. I also needed to forgive myself for my part in allowing our marriage to get to where it is today. By no means do I expect to forget the past. It would be wrong for me to even think that it could be possible. I need to remember that the past is there for me to learn from, not something to run and hide from. By forgiving myself it allows me to learn and move forward.
There were many actions that I took through our relationship that weren’t healthy. You’ve explained so much to me over the past year that was difficult for me to face and take ownership of. I now have a clearer understanding that no matter what the intention were behind my actions, I took those actions without taking your thoughts and desires in to consideration. I made decisions for our family without your input, and in turn that made you feel as if you didn’t matter and that you where not loved. Of all the things that I have done in the past, this is the one I regret the most.
I don’t believe I could ever put into words how valuable I believe you are to me and our family. I feel as if I could spend an eternity attempting to do so, but I would never do it any justice. All I can do is thank you for contributing so much to my life and to our family. The contributions are invaluable and will never be forgotten.
I have come to a point in my journey were I have to completely let go of the past In order for me to continue moving forward.
I have heard you loud and clear, at this point, you have no interest in starting a new relationship with me. Whatever we had in the past is dead and gone. It is but a bitter sweet memory, I will never forget you, or the great times that we shared, but none of that exist any longer.
I believe that I have carried the flame of our old relationship long enough. I need to let it burn out completely in order to move forward and that is what I am attempting with this letter.
I have been spending much of my time searching for a clearer picture of the man I would like to be and the man God intends me to be. The LORD has laid a path before me that I must travel. I have been blessed in having had our paths cross and intertwine for some time now. I couldn’t be the man I am today or, the man I will end up being, without having had experienced all of the things that I have with you.
I’ve told you time and time again that the three greatest gifts I have ever received from another human being have come from you, the love you have shown me and both of the wonderful young men that you brought into my life. For those gifts, I will be eternally grateful. I will move forward with a growing inner peace, in knowing that this is the path I have been blessed with.
As much as I believe that God has put us together for reason, God has also blessed us with free will. You are a strong woman, and God has given you every right to exercise the free will that you have been blessed with. I have attempted for too long now to exercise my will on you; I have tried for too long to tell what is best for US, when you and God are the only ones who know what is best for you. As hard as it has been, I realize that your journey may not include me any longer, only you, with the help of God can decide what is best for you. I now must move forward believing and praying that if it is Gods will that you and I begin anew, it will be done.
Until then, I must bid our old relationship farewell and take with me the lessons I have learned. I don’t know where this path leads, but I am sure that with God’s guidance, the commitment to self improvement that I posses, and the belief that every day is a blessing and a fresh start, I will become the Man, Father and Husband I was meant to be.
I will continue to pray that, if it is his will, one day Our Heavenly Father will bring our family back together. Until then I will pray that you are blessed with all the joy, happiness, love and success that you strive to find.
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
