Three years ago.................

[ddstartingover]

My H moved out 3 years ago. I can't even believe I am writing "3 years ago"...........he's been a part of my life for 30, but "gone" for 3. I still love him. We are still married, but only in a legal sense. I know that he is done - but still unable to file. He was done in the beginning - when he first said that he was, but I couldn't or wouldn't believe it.

It still feels wrong. I still don't believe that any of this is right. He isn't the person I always believed him to be, but he is who he is now. That is what I accept.

I still feel cast aside, like it was me that wasn't good enough to want to stay and do the work for. I wish that I didn't. I wish that my heart could believe what my brain tells me, but this is where I am still stuck.

I think that he has reconnected with old friends and his mother. In the beginning of all of this his mother would contact me and we would talk, but no more. In the beginning she felt just as abandoned as I did, and she sympathized with me. She doesn't call the house to talk to me or the kids anymore and mails cards to them at his address. Mail that I have sent goes unanswered. Our mutual friends that in the beinning seemed to understand what all of this meant to me and seemed to care about what was happening have stopped contacting me. I feel like I've lost my past. I've lost what I thought was my future, and am now living a life of uncertainty.

I've faced the fear of being alone and being on my own. I handle day to day well. My kids are still wonderful. I thank god daily for them. I have found a new faith that I didn't think I had.

I know that my marriage is over - and was over from the minute he decided that it was. I know that D will happen, and I accept that. I still feel incomplete. I still feel that all of this is wrong and not the way it should be.