you would think i could post the links to my other threads, anyone help me figure that out?
Starsky,
She cant drive herself cause in Ontario Canada, we have a Family Responsibility Office, they are supposed to collect child support for parents and if the pther parent doesnt pay, they yank the drivers license, passport gar. wages and at the majic number of $10000 in arrears of support they put you infront of a judge to have you put in jail etc. Really its just another waste of tax payers money, they havent done anything for me, oh wait they yanked her drivers license.
She wants me to remove the case from FRO so she can get her license back. I havent, and im not until if/when we actually work on us. I am going to protect my rights as a father and financially.
I make alot of stupid mistakes and back slide, but i wont give in on some things. Legally here, you can still be separated and live under the same roof. I have a list of things i have to follow from my lawyer and i will do them to protect myself and my family.
Hi Tank, I wanted to respond to your message about the cottage but your thread was closed.
First of all, you are a HEROIC husband and father for what you are doing to get your wife back into your kids' lives. The amount of forgiveness and magnanimity you've demonstrated is practically super-human.
I think your wife truly appreciates it and I'm glad she recognized your birthday.
That being said, I was a little worried about the cottage idea because by using it as an opportunity to reconnect with your wife, I'm afraid that she might perceive all of those fun mutual activities as "pressure." Pressure to act happy, pressure to act as a wife (something she's clearly afraid of)...you get the drift. You offered it to her as a place to collect her thoughts and be by herself...not as a place to start acting like Tank's wife if she's not yet feeling like a wife.
She IS coming around, but it is just happening very, very slowly (you'd need one of those time lapse cameras to perceive it, but from an outsider's perspective, it IS happening). So please don't jeopardize her progress by startling her into 'fun couple time.'
Think of it like feeding a wild animal. Sometimes you start out by just leaving the food and walking away. As the animal gains trust and confidence in your motives, you can eventually watch it eat. Slowly you may be able to move a little closer with the food, but it takes ages until the animal might be willing to eat out of your hand. If you move too fast, the animal bolts and all of the painstaking progress is lost. maybe the animal never comes back.
I'm just worried that by putting her in a position where the expectation is that she should be enjoying herself, if she's not, she might startle and bolt.
I'd hate to see that happen because you've literally accomplished a minor miracle by getting this woman back in your home. Let her join in activities on her own time - with the kids as buffer zones at first. Quality couple time still seems a long way off, but I think its coming.
Tank, I wish I could do what you've done. You are a decent, decent man to be there for your wife the way that you have with unearthly amounts of unconditional love. I feel your wife is just starting to see and appreciate that, but let her determine the pace from here on out.
I really believe that time is going to heal the wounds in your marriage - for both of you.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Yes Starsky... they do that in many provinces in Canada.
It does sound odd that the law would remove one's transportation to work in order to get them to pay support. That's why it's supposed to be a deterrent. And they expect you to use public transportation if that happens...
If that's what happened, then it's a consequence of her past behavior, and Tank shouldn't rescue her from that. Being her personal chauffeur -- 10 HOURS worth, round-trip -- so that she can have some "find herself" time, isn't the approach that I would advocate.
Consequences. It's healthy to allow them to kick in.
Yes, thank you, Kaffe. I keep saying "rescuing," when it's actually "enabling."
Folks love to point out (usually motivated by fear of making the tough choices) that "it's not my place to issue consequences to my wayward spouse; LIFE does that."
It's one of those "DB forum truisms" that get thrown around, without much introspection.
However, often these very same people aren't just not issuing consequences themselves, but they're actively doing things to SHIELD their wayward/walkaway spouses from the consequences of their OWN decisions.
well, I got a lot of input there from everyone. Thanks.
I do get the "enabling" picture. Sometimes i just need to sit back and wait for the 2x4.
Plans changed, i am not going to bring wife home. Her mother is going to do it. I dont know why, and i didnt ask. She just told me she wanted to do it.
I have spent the last couple of days at the beach with some friends. No kids, a little bit of alcohol and alot of fun.
Actually dreading going home tomorrow. Not sure why, but i just have a pit in my stomach. Hopefully it wont last to long.
I am really having second thoughts about her being in the house full time. Wondering if life wouldnt just be easier to sell it and start over.
Plans changed, i am not going to bring wife home. Her mother is going to do it. I dont know why, and i didnt ask. She just told me she wanted to do it.
