I sure hope my posts come through soon, this is so difficult and I would love to get feedback from those of you who have been doing this a bit longer. Reading is helpful, and posting is as well in the meantime.
Went to the gym before work this morning, and about halfway through began to feel some emotions bubbling up. Told gym buddy/coworker that I would be in the car. I think I just needed a good cry. I am feeling slightly better now.
Have a college tour with oldest son tonight. All of us are going to it, and will try to just keep it upbeat and about S17 and nothing else. Thanks to DB coach yesterday, I will have the tools I need. Always a work in progress.
Feeling a little stronger today, and hoping it lasts. Took S17 to college tour last night and it went well. Got along just fine and focus was on S. A bit of a bump when we got home, and H was pretty grumpy (reasons unknown and I didn't ask). I gave him his space. He later found me and said it was due to hunger, we didn't get home until late and he missed dinner. He apologized and we went about our night, no relationship talk. It is still the giant elephant in the room
H asked me if I could take S14 to basketball tonight because he would have to 'leave work early to go there'. I explained that I already had plans unfortunately (which is true, not playing games). If it comes to the kids I will be more likely to juggle I think. I don't want them to suffer. He never used to say "have to leave early" and was the one who wanted to sign him up for this. He has had much earlier games than this, and only recently has it been an issue. I don't want S14 to suffer, but for tonight I am going out (GAL) and he will take him to b'ball as planned.
At the suggestion of my DB coach I had the discussion with H that basically I would be giving him his emotional space and not bringing up relationship talk. There was never really a good time to speak so I left a note for him, that also allowed him to read and not feel the need to respond.
I went out last night and when I got home he was out at the bar. When he got home we had some small talk, but nothing serious. Right before he fell asleep he said "i got your letter, and thank you". Whether he will remember saying that is another story.
Well I guess I should update since my last post, even if just to journal and get it out. I think I can make more sense of things when I get them out like this...if anything makes sense right now.
So the past few days were light and friendly after the letter, no relationship talk. We had a family day on Saturday and again on Sunday. It was fun, and no expectations on my part. I could sense that relieved him. The kids joined us and seemed to enjoy the family time.
I've been working to GAL and it doesn't come as naturally as I would like yet but working on it.
Last night we had a bit of a slip and my initial reaction was old behavior and I eventually shifted back to DB, not my initial reaction just yet.
Condensed version here:
S14 was at the mall with friends and H was going running after work, S17 was working till 10. I decided to go to the movies while S14 was at the mall and would pick him up after to bring him home. In the past I would have just stayed home, cleaned, etc. H called me after work and asked what we were doing. I said S14 is going to the mall and I am just going out for a bit, see you tonight.
Fast forward to the evening, got home and had nice conversation. Later in the evening, there was a disagreement. He became upset and said "prior to the letter last week you were analyzing everything I do" and I said "that is not at all fair, I am the only one doing counseling here" (break out the 2x4, I know I shouldn't have pointed that out).
We argued for a few minutes and he was angry that I was so 'mysterious' about what I was doing sometimes when I say 'going out for a bit' and not specific enough. He said that he was tempted to do the same to 'get me back' (I realize how immature that statement is but was very hurt in the moment). He has plans with his friend tonight and was going to be cryptic to get even (as if his MLC is not enough I suppose).
After a bit, I had a lightbulb moment, and simply said "I'm sorry you feel that way" and rolled over to go to sleep. A few minutes later he kissed me and said I love you. Very confusing
This morning he was not angry, kissed me and said I love you before leaving for work. He took his bag with him so I suppose he is going to his friends directly, but I didn't ask any questions. Just told him to have a nice day and told him I love him too.
This is a rough road. I've been reading a lot and trying to post to others. I don't think I've come across this yet, is it a 'normal' reaction for the spouse to get angry when you start to GAL. He keeps saying that he doesn't have one (symptom of MLC) so I guess me getting one, is triggering him?
After reading another post this morning that basically could have been written by me, I realized that I was still too worried about what he is doing and not doing. This is for me and that is where my focus needs to be. I really needed to see that, and thankfully I did.
I think it is so confusing for me because we still live together and share a bed.
So glad to have that eye opening moment this morning Also very grateful to have a call with my DB coach tomorrow.
That is one of my new 180's, I am finding 5 things to be grateful for every day. It really does help with my mood and attitude.
Chances, I read your posts and your H is a textbook example of the unhappy spouse; I won't use the term WAS because you two are still living in the same house. That situation in itself is more difficult because you never really can give each other the space needed for self-improvement(I'm in the same situation, although my W and I sleep in separate bedrooms)
Yes, GAL activities frequently irritate the S. They aren't happy so why do you have the right to be happy? But whatever you do, don't slow down or stop. Let them see just how wonderful life would be without you making them the center of your attention.
Read any threads by those who have been here a while; you'll see their own attitudes change for the better as they GAL and pursue activities they had not pursued before. It is key to your self-esteem, self-respect and sanity.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Thanks Telemark, I really appreciate your input and I am trying to learn as much as I can to continue to better myself, improve self esteem, and most certainly sanity This can be quite insane at times.
Ironically right before I read this post, I got an email from H requesteing that we talk this weekend. He expressed his unhappiness and said he felt stir crazy. He wants to find a way to move on and have a happy, simpler life and specified "with you".
Nervous to even consider this conversation, and haven't responded to the email at all yet. Timing for my call with DB coach is very good. I think I will need it before the weekend.
Good idea to bounce that one off of your DB coach. As much as we want to grasp and believe every positive sign from our S's, it's always good to wait and see if (or when) their mind changes.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Ironically right before I read this post, I got an email from H requesteing that we talk this weekend. He expressed his unhappiness and said he felt stir crazy. He wants to find a way to move on and have a happy, simpler life and specified "with you".
That's interesting, if nothing else. I agree with Telemark - it's best to wait and see. I think you can take away some positives from that, but be cautious. You're right - it is excellent timing that you have DB coach session scheduled for tomorrow.
Your GAL'ing is for you. Don't let up. It sounds like you're doing a good job of it. You're doing healthy things. It also sounds like your H is taking notice.
Thanks jb, the ironic thing is that I am getting excited about GAL and initially it scared the heck out of me.
What I am realizing is (and logically knew already) that I was extremely young when I started dating H and didn't know what my hobbies would be. Finding out at this age what I love to do is very exciting. I started dating H when I was only one year older than my oldest child. It is odd to think of it that way.
I think my kids would really appreciate seeing me doing things that I love as well. In the long run, they will benefit from a happier and healthier mom.
Trying to keep focused on the positive in a tough situation.
Also very grateful to have a call with my DB coach tomorrow.