And the beat goes on...

[Telemark]

"I am under the impression you have been fed up for some time now with her behavior."

Bingo. If it were just my W needing space & time to sort herself out, I could deal with that. But the EA/OM and the lying that goes along with that crosses my boundary. I feel like I am presenting myself as weak by not standing for my own beliefs and principles about our M.

You mentioned my goal. Not so many weeks ago, my goal was to keep W in the house, which I thought gave me a better shot at keeping our M intact.

But that goal is based on her actions, not mine. My true goal is to be as happy and satisfied with myself as I can be, and I'm finding that very difficult to achieve while living with my W.

But then the other little voice on the other shoulder whispers,"Stay the course. You promised to love her for better or for worse. She is at her worst right now; now is the time to show true unconditional love."

So really, I'll probably take a deep breath, hike up my britches and wade back into the fray.

How's that for mixing my metaphors?

[jbnati]

But the EA/OM and the lying that goes along with that crosses my boundary. I feel like I am presenting myself as weak by not standing for my own beliefs and principles about our M.

You may have to decide whether you want to be right or save your M. And really, what both of those look like.

You mentioned my goal. Not so many weeks ago, my goal was to keep W in the house, which I thought gave me a better shot at keeping our M intact.

I don't know how much closer to this goal you would be by taking back the bedroom.

My true goal is to be as happy and satisfied with myself as I can be, and I'm finding that very difficult to achieve while living with my W.

I think you've been making some positive changes. Look at your experience with Habitat for Humanity the other day. Things like that are getting you closer to that goal, in spite of living with your W.

Stay the course. You promised to love her for better or for worse. She is at her worst right now; now is the time to show true unconditional love."

This is truly where unconditional love is at its best - that's when she's at her worst and offering very little, if nothing, in return.

Perhaps you need to closely examine what's working and what's not working. Monitor the results.

Hang in there.

It's a marathon without mile markers and with multiple finish lines.

[Denver_2010]

Stay the course. You promised to love her for better or for worse. She is at her worst right now; now is the time to show true unconditional love."

This is truly where unconditional love is at its best - that's when she's at her worst and offering very little, if nothing, in return.

^^^^^^

This is sometimes very, very difficult to reconcile with our own desire not to be taken advantage of and to not be a doormat.

It is up to you to find that balance.

I'm still working at it myself.

Hang in there Tele.

BITS
Denver

[~ kd ~]

TM, in my sitch, I moved to the living room couch... then the basement couch... then out the door to another building...

When things were still "OK" (maybe late 09 / early 10) and I would go to the couch. I started doing the "that is MY bed, too. I WILL sleep there." And so I would go back to the bed.

Even now, I think to myself "We are not D, we are not legally separated, that is still MY house, too." And I think about moving back in. Not sure how well that would work.

Why did I go back to the bed? To prove a point. But was I proving a point to HER or to ME?

What statement would I be making if I moved back into the house? Would I be doing it to prove some point?

So the questions to ask yourself are:

+ WHY would you move back into the bed? To prove some point?

+ In what way would it HELP the situation?

+ In what ways might it HURT the situation?

+ Do you think it might neither help NOR hurt the situation?

And then what ever you decide, you get to live with the consequences...

OR ?????

[Telemark]

You just can't make this stuff up...

Took SS21 to the dr. Monday for some routine tests. His father met us there just to talk to the dr. about some issues. After the appt. we started to talk in the parking lot. Some of you may know that I was the OM in his marriage to my now W. Not proud at all of that, but it is what it is.

He (I'll refer to him as XH for clarity) is aware of our sitch, and was very sympathetic. The reason we were even talking about it is that W unleashed a torrent of abuse on him last week; I described that episode in my previous post sub-titled "Oh, the drama...". XH talked about what she had said to him, and then described her behaviors during their breakup. It was a carbon copy of what she and I are going through. The lying, the evasiveness...even the words she used were the same.

I then apologized to XH for all of the hell I had put him and his boys through 12 years ago. He hugged me, told me he had forgiven me long ago and that I was always welcome in his house. His new W felt the same way.

I was speechless.

Later that night, I received a private message on Facebook from SS24 (his oldest son). I had sent SS24 a birthday card & letter this past Sunday and told him that regardless of what happened, he would always be family to my 2 kids and me. SS24 wrote that he was devastated by his mother's actions, that he would never allow me or my kids out of his life and that he, too, had forgiven me long ago for everything. He was proud of how I had stepped up to take care of his brother (SS21) and felt that I was just what his mother needed, but she was too selfish to see it.

It was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that W's XH, his W and her oldest son were supporting me in this sitch. The true meaning of forgiveness was shown by all 3 of them.

Today, nothing between W and me has changed. We've had a couple of R/M talks that have gone nowhere; she remains confused and conflicted. But thanks to my faith, my continued personal growth, the love of family & friends and great advice from people on this board I am not going to give up on my W or my M until I know it is time to stop. That time is not yet here.

[alamo76]

Good for you Telemark, in terms of your conviction as well as the awesome support you're getting from your stepsons, and their father & wife. What you have is rare and precious, and is a result of your changes and a little amount of luck!

Family backing is great, but having support from in-laws, or like in your case, truly helps our own morale and motivation. I'm glad you have that.

[jbnati]

Telemark, that's great! Use this to extract the positive from the negative situation with your W. You may not have learned about this forgiveness if your situation had never happened.

But thanks to my faith, my continued personal growth, the love of family & friends and great advice from people on this board I am not going to give up on my W or my M until I know it is time to stop. That time is not yet here.

Good for you Telemark. I agree - I don't think it's time to give up on your W. She is fighting some serious demons on her own. Hopefully, she will learn something this time. It almost sounds like the movie "Groundhog Day", where history is just repeating itself.

[greenblue90]

Telemark
I too am happy to know you have all this support.

Just remember be her rock. Where she swerves all over the road, drive along her in a straight line ready to help her if she crashes. If she does remember it's not your fault, and don't let her blame you for it. Don't be confrontational just let her make her choices and follow her actions. Let her see the damage she is doing to both her families and herself on her own.

Only until she sees this will she be able to start healing. Good luck.

[Telemark]

Thanks, everyone, as always...jb, your reference to "Groundhog Day" made me laugh. It is very weird how the history is repeating itself.

gb90, you make a good point about being the rock, which is what any woman wants from her man, regardless of their relationship condition. My W is acting "as if" there isn't a problem at all - at least, that's how she is around me - but I suspect that her other relationships, especially with SS24, will unravel soon. Whether that allows her to see what is really happening is not up to me, and I stopped trying to be her moral compass months ago.

I made a promise to myself to be strong and non-judgmental in front of her. I'll come here to post and vent my frustrations and my successes.

It is remarkable how this miserable situation has allowed me to cultivate and grow relationships with my family, friends and myself that I had previously been neglecting, and to plant new ones with new people. I wish I could take this feeling and inject it into the other newcomers here who think there is no hope in what is happening to them.

I also think about the thousands of others who are going through what we are going through but do not have the resources like this site, or DB & DR, or the other resources we have been able to use. How desperate they must feel...

OK, I'm done waxing philosophical.

[jbnati]

Thanks, everyone, as always...jb, your reference to "Groundhog Day" made me laugh. It is very weird how the history is repeating itself.

Good. I think we all need an occasional laugh.

Just remember be her rock. Where she swerves all over the road, drive along her in a straight line ready to help her if she crashes. If she does remember it's not your fault, and don't let her blame you for it. Don't be confrontational just let her make her choices and follow her actions. Let her see the damage she is doing to both her families and herself on her own.

This is really hard to do sometimes, but it's very necessary.

It is remarkable how this miserable situation has allowed me to cultivate and grow relationships with my family, friends and myself that I had previously been neglecting, and to plant new ones with new people. I wish I could take this feeling and inject it into the other newcomers here who think there is no hope in what is happening to them.

^^^ I'll second that. I have built a lot of new relationships I would never have built if it hadn't been for my situation.