Should I contact her?

[MHL]

Hey Lonely,

I just got caught up on your situation and I am sorry that you find yourself here but this is a great place and you will find that this journey of self discovery that you are on will ultimately be the best thing that you have ever experienced in your life.

Typically the time you are apart from your spouse gives you time to reflect on your marriage/relationship and figure out the things that you did that contributed to the downfall of the relationship.

Beware......only own your half.....do not make excuses for her shortcomings. (more on that later). First identify those things in YOU that you would like to fix.....and then go about fixing them for YOU not for your W or for your Marriage. Whether your marriage is saved or not YOU need to be a better you.....right???

The second thing that you are doing while you are working on number one is "getting a life" (GAL), this should be easier for you because it was not that long ago that you were "JUST YOU" meaning before you met your W. What were you doing then?? Who did you hang out with??? I know you are in a different country however I see that as an advantage for you......it will make you even more attractive when you GAL in a foreign country.

Let me clarify.....anyone would expected that you would have a difficult time, meeting new friends, taking on new activities, learning a new language.......so when you do those things you become even more ATTRACTIVE. That is the goal here.....to become more attractive.

Now I do not know what culture you come from but I believe that in most cultures women like to be with a man that is secure in himself, confident and sure of his words and actions. Women want and crave to be with a man that they "feel" safe with. IT IS A FACT.

I know that in some cultures that it is common to have "extended" families living under one roof and where ever you are living now that very well may be the case but I see that as the major thing that changed in your situation.

You said that you looked at places and your wife always found a reason that she did not like them......right???

I am going to take a guess here and propose that there probably wasn't anything wrong with the places you were picking........it was YOU........I am sorry if that stings a little. Allow me to explain.

Women react to three basic fears in some form or another....

they are fear of

isolation
deprivation
loss of security

Think about your wife and the thought of leaving her parents home.......

What is she getting there.....

Relationships with her family (Isolation)
Family will provide shelter/food (deprivation)
She will not be harmed (security)

She might not be feeling that good about your ability to provide for her in those areas if you guys move away from her parent's house.

Ask yourself.....Why might she feel that way???? (do not ask her!!!!!)

Again I do not know what country you are living in so I do not know the standard of living for where you are at.

That being said.......You live in a "room". You have no kids, no other financial responsibilities you might otherwise be able to shed??? Why can you not get a place of your own???

Maybe you can but are afraid you will send the wrong message......

If that is the case then that is EXACTLY what you need to do.

You need to be able to provide a place or at least have a good plan for you both to be able to provide for a place that she will "feel" safe in.

Is this making sense?????

This is one of the things that makes you "ATTRACTIVE".

If this is not within your financial means right now then what are you doing to change that????

This is only one thing that you need to look at when trying to improve YOU.

Make YOU and YOUR life something that is sooooo irresistable that she would leave the comfort and security of her parents home to be with you. She still cares about you and probably still loves you but is "not attracted to you" and she does not know why.

Now for the things that she did or did not do in the marriage.....you can not help her fix herself.....however you can let her know in a constructive way that your "needs" are not being met.....whether it is the "need" to have a "tidy" home or "physical affection" or whatever it is that gets under your skin.

All to often we communicate in the wrong way....we withdraw, we get angry, we accuse our partners of "making" us feel a certain feeling. It is up to us to communicate to our spouses that we have feelings and that there is something they are doing or not doing that is contributing to that feeling and then let go.

Let your spouse digest the information and let them "decide" if they are going to do anything about it, that is all you can do. When you communicate in the wrong way you instill fear into your wife if you are a man.

If you are a woman and you communicate in the wrong way with your husband you will instill "shame" in him. It is a common problem in marriages.

I apologize for the length of the post.

I know you are in pain......you are looking for what to do next.

I could tell you but if you are not ready then YOU will just mess it up further......I did. That is why most times the distance is good. It gives you the TIME that is needed to work on YOU.

Know this.......it will take TIME......much longer than 5 weeks.

In your case I agree with Bill, you need to "woo" or "attract" your wife back.

I think an invite to lunch would be appropriate. I think you have done a good job in limiting the contact with her family. I would suggest to keep that up. It sounds like your W might be receptive to you contacting her.......if you choose this, do so with NO EXPECTATIONS......imagine the worse thing that could happen and EXPECT that. That way you will not be disappointed.

If she accepts, come back here for advice.....avoid all relationship talk.

Hope this helps.



Cheers